Amazing Race 5 Update!!
If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Dubai
It's all about... the money!! Hey look... it's every European's idea of what a butt head American is... and he's in a cab. Where's a suicide bomber when you really need one? Team CC reveals enough about themselves this time around to ensure that the calls will come rolling in when the game's over; calls from Abuse Support Groups, and Anger Management Consultants. I think the broken down cabs was a "fix"... but it's all good because they get to fly in air planes again, so that means more anger management. We're headed for the Persian Gulf and it's too bad Mirna's not here to push Colin over the edge.
Good Afternoon Race fans...
(aka “A speedy rundown of the show mechanics")
Cab it to Kilimanjaro Airport and grab a charter to Dubai.
~ If you can stay out of jail, the flights leave in a pecking order but lead to a location that is only open between certain hours, so they all bunch up.
~ " Burj Al Arab Hotel " the Worlds Largest Off-Shore hotel.
~ get to the Heliport on the roof and it's clue time.
~ cross the city to the “abra stations” (water cabs)
~ cross the bay to the Port of Dubai.
~ Detour to a plane for sky diving or to the desert for a four wheel'en adventure.
~ Clue it to the checkpoint on a camel with a GPS "this way" machine.
If they're lucky, the Rosie's (bowling moms, who both kinda look like Rosie O'D) will never spend any time in Vegas. Despite their dramatic crap luck, they didn't come in last! (second last is something man!) Their luck jumped up and bit them when their cab broke down and the Twins, having just stopped to help Cocksucker, didn't stop for the Rosie’s. And believe me... This was pretty well the only thing that qualified as "good" this time around. Chip made a play for preaching the way of kindness got allegorical with the bread-upon-the-water thing at Nicole when she started having her money fit on Blue Lagoon Boy but that lost it's "good" quality when Chipper found himself broke with a cabbie to pay. A lavish 20$ tip he gave the first ride of the night came back to haunt him. It appears that he was lucky... and I don't think the 97 lb cab driver was going to push it much with a 280 lb black american dude that was hugging him.
Ok, it's like this...
~ start in first place
~ get in a cab for a $100 ride
~ be a dick to the driver about "only paying if you keep the others from passing".
~ get a flat in bum fuck,
~ get a spare from the Twins, who stop to help
~ then be an ungrateful dick to the Twins
~ get where you're going second last
~ try and pay cabbie only $50.
~ again with the "be a dick" thing...
~ then get arrested for stiffing the cabbie
~ ignore your date as she pleads with you to just pay it (like everyone else did).
~ ramp up being-a-dick'ness
~ finally pay it...
~ give your date a heavy trip for cramping your "being a dick" style.
~ get an APPOLOGY from said date, and instantly become hated by almost every single woman in the television audience.
~ go about your business.
That's Colin’s experience at the Kilimanjaro Airport.
The local dude that was fucking laughing his ass off at Colin when El'Dick is walking back from the cop shop after paying is my hero.
The Exceptionally Pathetic
The really pathetic thing is that even after picking the Four-Wheel deal in the Detour, Colin and Christie manage to cross the sand and GPS their way to first place and win a vacation package. The suburban’s bust the dunes and get stuck (especially for the Rosie’s) but they get towed out quick like. All the Drivers get to the check point before the second sky divers. I hope he chokes on his own vomit after dinner.
It's getting easier every week to hate the Twins. They pick sky diving along with Brandon and Nicole, and there's only one plane. They get to the Airport first, but Thing One convinces Thing Two to turn around and go back... She mistook a route marker for a clue marker. In turning around they actually double back enough to be passed by Brandon and his Bible With Tits. This sets them back something fierce and they end up coming in last... and sadly, it's a non-elimination round. Phil robs them ... and they comment that without cash they may be fine in the next round. "We're young and cute..." I'm hoping for young, cute, blonde, and sold on the open market for a camel and two cans of gasoline. Will the Twins be left for dead in desert? Tune in next week... same bat time...
Checkered Flags and Crystal Balls...
Well Colin and the woman he oppresses, come in first. Lucky smack. The GPS thing was dorky, with a big LED Arrow and a camel dude leading the way. If you yelled at him enough he picks up the pace and jogs... It's like finding out a trick in a Nintendo game... "Yell at the little Arab type man, in English, and he runs." Pretty much sums up the Dick Cheney school of international relations don't it.
Colin's going to fuck up sooner or later and Brandon is just tooooo dumb to win. The Twins wont win... no freaking way. So that leaves Chip to contend with the Rosie’s. He's going to get burned... because so called reality TV can never reward kindness and sound morals... or the whole universe would collapse. So I'm still thinking the Rosie’s are the money girls.
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