Amazing Race 5
You Tripped Over The Desert?
Start yer engines... because you’re gonna need horsepower to drive back and forth over Mirna the evil cunt. Er... sorry, did I say that out loud? It’s all about the airlines again, but this time, there’s a clear winner and clear losers – and all the way through... that wretched Ho basically beats the shit out of the midget. There must be an international organization that promotes dwarf welfare, and you can bet they’ll be gunning for Mirna when this is over.
Good Afternoon Race Fans....
(the show in as few words as possible!
Finding a painting by Rembrandt... not so hard. The Daryl’s (brothers) just point at every painting... the twins simply ask someone. D’uh. The painting sends ‘em all to the international air port bound for Cairo, unless you’re the Rosie’s, in which case you end up at the domestic Air Port. It all evens out on the Frankfurt layover, however, Colin and Chris – the high maintenance couple – don’t have a layover in Frankfurt. They have a layover in Paris because they have the best flight by 12 hours. Meanwhile, back in the Franken-airport, Mini-Me and her Ho-bag are literally sneaking away from the crowd to snag a one hour advantage flight... I dunno how either of them can sit down with all those horse shoes in their asses. The Rosie’s even things out for themselves but still manage to keep a vice like grip on last place. The Tower of Cairo sends C&C on a fast forward to the checkpoint, and everybody else heads off to the pyramids. My brain started playing "Watching The Detectives (Elvis Costello) as Bitch...er.. Mirna sat watching Charla spelunk down a vast tunnel and pit to find this funkadelic stone puzzle in a Road Block. Mirna looks like she’s in a locker room trying to figure out how much to charge the whole team while Charla sorts out the mystery of the puzzle and they’re off to find a Detour and move some camels (Charla riding a horse... hahaha), but not before Mirna screams at Charla some more. One of the Rosie’s twists her ankle, and one of the Daryl’s is acting like his leg is going to fall off. The Detour is called "Rock and Role or Hump and Ride". Of course, Mirna goes for Hump and Ride, but alas, it’s camels, no the slimy Russian functionaries she’s used to. Most of the racers elect to move stone instead of moving some camels, and thanks to Chip actually helping Brandon, (and then helping Thing 1 and Thing 2, gah!!), they don’t all die at this stage. The Daryl’s are in a bad way... health wise, but then again, look at their lazy, overweight, shit head selves... no big surprise. The Fast Forward kids made an easy first, with Mirna and Charla grabbing second (how the fuck?) and everyone else stretching out the rest of the positions ending with the Rosie’s marginally behind Thing 1 and Thing 2. Fortunately for them, this was "one of four non-elimination rounds". Unfortunately for them, there’s a new twist and it’s basically that Phil (host) robs them. They will begin the next leg of the game penniless. UG!
Get up, get out and go to St. Petersburg and find Rembrandt’s Return Of The Prodigal Son.
~ clue it from there to bum fuck Egypt and snag the next clue in the Tower of Cairo.
~ Fast Forward available... (a simple thing, that Colin and Chris manage to fuck up, btw)
~ clue it to the plateau of Giza and follow the yellow brick road.
~ it’s a Road Block... down a tunnel to get a map
~ Requiring an actual brain to interpret the map clue
~ this takes you to a Detour, selling camels or moving bricks
~ zoom to check point.
Most Memorable Moment
The Road Block was presented in ominous terms as a journey down a ancient hole to a lower cavern below a pyramid, crossing an underground waterway and retrieving a sunken satchel with a broken "rock map" in it.
We’re just joking with each other about how terrible Mirna’s treatment of Charla is when she up and tells Charla to go down the hole!!! Bwaahahahaha... oh man, you are one lazy, evil, skank. When she said "I can’t do it... I’m scared... you do it." to Charla, I was choking on my coffee.
A bug just flew into your mouth...
"Charla... do a dance for us... entertain us." Man... this is from Mirna in a travel agents office as she tries to get the Daryl’s to hate her even more. (not actually possible btw, but whatever) Charla is like Mirna’s little play thing that she shoves in harms way to protect herself.
Well the game continues to be all about the Air Ports and the C & C team (Colin and Christy) really nailed the game when they did their homework on the flights to Cairo. They grabbed a flight that got them there at 4:00 AM while everyone else was 2:00 pm or later. That’s a major lead. Then they used a Fast Forward and really snaked into the checkpoint with enough time to use up all the hot water at the hotel before the others arrived! Now if they can press that advantage... Not forgetting, however, that the game is not even half over!
Ol Chip... what a guy. He walks away from his own game to help Brandon who manages to screw up the rock slide thing (picture "rolling" a giant rock on several logs, having to move the back logs to the front, blah blah blah). But his good nature gets the better of his common sense and he actually helps the little tramps, Thing 1 and Thing 2. This puts him behind a bit... so Brandon and Nicole arrive at the check point ahead of them. Now they cannot have been that much ahead, but I’m just saying... Brandon should have arrived at the check point and asked if Chip had arrived. When he was told "no" he should have sat down and waited for Chip to get there, and then finished AFTER him. That would have been very seriously good pool, but that would also be expecting dramatically more class from Brandon than his tight little curly head would allow.
Man those boys from NaYork, making pizza in Texas... what a couple of Momzer, Chiam Yankel’s!!!! Marshal’s leg is fucked... and based on his stellar great personality... zol er krenken un gedenken. (and that’s it for my Yiddish cursing!) They are forever being nasty rat bastards and I hope his damn leg hurts like a mutha! (nice huh... hahahaha)
The Unbelievably Pathetic
What is it gonna take for Charla to bring the smack down on Mirna. Cousins? It looks more like indentured servitude to me.
Well the Rosie’s need to find a new way to get nasty with the Twins. Those little girls are going to beat them if they’re not careful. In fact, they did beat the Rosie’s tonight except it was a "non elimination" round so... cool. Linda manages to TRIP OVER THE DESERT... (she said something about a hole, but I couldn’t see it) and hurt her ankle. Come on ladies!!!
... Checkered Flags & Crystal Balls
Man... if Colin and Christy can keep from killing each other, they may just wander towards the finish line. I mean, their working a twelve hour lead right now... and unless there’s some seriously "leveling" line to wait in down the road, this will carry them to the end.
And I’m a little disappointed in the Rosie’s game. I keep expecting them to be more in-your-face aggressive re: Thing 1 and Thing 2.
Note: I’ll be away next week... sorry. :D
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