Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

The Amazing Race 5 Update!!

Amazing Race 5

Put That Damn Thing In Your Mouth

Start yer engines... because it’s race-to-russia time and while the Hoe and her midget may be having trouble getting there, there’s no trouble like the trouble of a high maintenance woman trying to shove a vat of caviar down her pie hole. We have chicks in Salt Shock, Charla in Goalie pads and Colin about to hack Mirna’s head from her skanky little shoulders.

Good Afternoon Race Fans....
(the show in as few words as possible!
Up at 3:00 AM and out. Colin and Christie have the lead but Mirna and Mini Me are hot on their tails. They have to drive to a buss terminal and take a 20 hour bus ride to Buenos Aries to catch a plane. Colin is engaged in a halting conversation with the night cleaner dude at the bus terminal about when the next bus leaves. Mirna walks in, walks up to dude, and buds into the conversation. Colin, having left his broadsword at home, doesn’t lop her head off... but clearly wishes he could. When ticket purchase time comes, Colin buys enough seats to be able to squeeze Mirna out... obviously not enjoying her being a total cunt. Smarty Pants (Colin) leads the charge to sort out travel plans with a travel agent before the bus departs leaving peeps like Mirna et. al. to work out their details at the Airport. The Midget and her Hoe pull a couple of horseshoes out of their assess (which is a real trick for a dwarf) and manage to end up at a stop over in Germany along with the Ass Holes er... the Pizza Boys. Bob and Joyce aren’t so lucky, having bought Business Class tickets (they must use economy class) end up cooling their jets, changing their Depends, and are relegated to a much later flight. Touch-down in the land of Czars and Cars sent everyone to a battleship monument for a detour between hockey and vodka. Charla in full goalie padding has to be one of the strangest things in the universe. Mirna seems to be all about putting her dwarf in harms way... after pro-hockey players nail Charla five times... bwaahahaha... (can you imagine those players just killing themselves laughing) they are off to find Peter. Most of the others decide to go drink a shot of vodka off a saber in some ritual, with the notable exception of Brandon and Nicole... because Brandon was uncomfortable with the vodka angle... (everybody scream Pussy!) Peter The Great – having died in battle – is represented in a massive bronze statue riding a rearing horse. His statue directs the gang to the nasty Road Block. Generally the gang splits into two groups... front and back. The fronts make the Old Tower Restaurant early but the "backs" arrive to find Colin, Christie and Brandon, Nicole, still agonizing over the challenge; eating a full Kilo of straight Caviar. Sickening for sure... but shit, Christie is acting like she’s gonna die. I’m talking Academy Awards stuff here. Meanwhile Chip shows up and gobbles it down like a bowl of Captain Crunch and boom... He and Kim end up in first place. Somehow Nicole and Christie both end up eating the fish eggs and both all but expire in the effort. Mirna, of course, puts Charla in front of the caviar and ... well, we’re not in Wonka’s factory any more Charla. She gets it all down and despite their total screw up with the flight, manages to come in respectably at the pit stop. Bob and Joyce, the "Internet Dating Couple" (which CBS manages to make sound like some kind of contagious disease) totally blew it. They’re last and their out. There is no question what so ever that the Caviar Crowd all ran up to their rooms at the Check Point and puked their freaking guts out.

Technically Speaking
Wake up and get out of my villa!
~ make your way back to Buenos Aries and the airport (20 hours by bus)
~ find a flight to St. Petersburg... Russia.
~ go to the Battleship "Aurora" (fired the first shot in the Russian Revolution)
~ Detour: suit up and play nets to stop five shots from pro (hahaha) hockey players or get to this palace and drink a shot of vodka off a saber.
~ Find the Bronze Statue of Peter The Great*
~ Clue it to town of Pushkin and eat a kilo of Caviar at the "Old Tower Restaurant". It’s a Road Block so pick one player to chow down.
~ carriage ride to checkpoint... fabulous villa.

* If a monument depicting a soldier on horseback has four feet on the ground, the rider was never wounded in battle. One foot off the ground indicates that the rider was wounded in battle. Two feet off the ground and that rider was mortally wounded in battle. ( is the only easy reference I have for that one, but it’s a long standing truth. You can find examples everywhere. Peter the Great – Bronze Statue – has front legs raised up.)

Most Memorable Moment
Colin and Christie... They had a commanding lead right up until the caviar. He suggests she do the Detour and from that moment forward she is praying for his death. She gives him the had and then proceeds to act like she was going to die. I’m talking shaking, sweating and twitching. For some reason she kept trying to down giant spoons full of the fish eggs. She was literally acting like she was done... quitting. Then Chip and Kim show up... Chip runs over, grabs his bowl and honks the whole thing down pronto. Bwaahahaha... well, Christie manages to finish, while Nicole takes up the role of acting like the task will kill her.

A bug just flew into your mouth...
Mirna: "Being a lawyer, I have to deal with despicable people all the time..." um? Like other lawyers?

Mirna, revealing a wee bit too much, perhaps, about herself, berates the Little Time Bandit as she tries to eat her weight in Caviar;
"Focus on what you’re doing!!! (shouting) Put the damn thing in your mouth... Shove it in!"
Hell... you’d think Mirna was back at the brothel breaking in a new recruit.

Phil (at the checkpoint when Mirna dives in for her weekly grope): "Um... you’re donna hug me? ..." He’ll be beating her off in a few more weeks.

The Rosie’s make it the Old Tower Restaurant along with the Twigs... er... Twins... and they attack the Caviar-eating Detour. When the Rosie’s leave the Twins in their dust, one remarks "We beat the twins in an eating contest! Imagine that?" bwaahahaha...

The Good
The Rosie’s have such a great attitude. :D And watching them beat the twins was just priceless.

The Bad
Colin and Christie are professional sales people... and they both look like they’re very high maintenance. But man does she have a streak. She’s diss’en him and angry and then absolutely bawling her eyes out when she thinks she can’t finish the caviar.

The Ugly
Blue Lagoon Boy... Brandon, has some kind of serious patience built in. I cannot believe the crap he puts up with from Nicole as she struggles to eat the Caviar. He totally gets behind her and lets her LIE ON THE FLOOR AND TWITCH... mopping her brow. They get through it and it’s all sweetness and light ... but seriously ... who can act like this?

The Unbelievably Pathetic
What the hell is with Mirna? She’s just like this totally evil little snake. She totally earns the hatred the rest of them have for her and every time there is a challenge... she stuffs Charla into it like she’s so much cannon fodder. "My ass is too big." Laments Charla as she tries to get into goalie gear for the detour. I swear, listening to her yell "Come on Charla ... come on..." is driving me bonkers.

Bob and Joyce, The Internet Dating Couple are obviously a couple of sweet people... but not really all that smart. Of course, they have a combined age of about seven hundred so we can forgive a little slowing down. They went for the hockey detour and Bob did all the work letting his cat-like reflexes stop the pucks. :D Note: the game includes TWO people fully dressed as goalies and standing in on the goal line. So you gotta be a crack shot to find one of the few holes towards the back of the net.

... Checkered Flags & Crystal Balls
That god thing is going to get in the way of Brandon and Nichole’s rush for the prize... and Colin and Christie will have a full breakdown before this is over so that leaves the Twins, the Rosies, and Chip & Dale to vie for first. I’m not counting the asshole pizza boys and please god send a few bolts of lightening into Mirna ... soon.
So all in all... I’m still all about Linda and Karen (the Rosie’s) winning.

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