Amazing Race 5
Lies, Damn Lies
Start yer engines... and race to the airport, because that's where the good stuff starts. We can just try real hard to get the image of Charla, on the counter, covered in chocolate... mk? Word of advice: if you're thinking of trying out for The Amazing Race... know how to drive a stick yo!
Good Afternoon Race Fans....
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Night time drive’en to the airport proves to be a challenge when a bit of mud makes everyone think they’re on the Eco Challenge. In a strange twist of irony, Charla manages to get herself tasar'ed by a cow fence trying to help Nic and Brandon. The Dwarf and her pet Hoe get lost, of course, when Nic and B take off . Meanwhile, Daryl and his other brother Daryl get a flat tire. Then it’s nothing but hate in the airport as they all vie for the few seats left on various flights to Patagonia. Dad and the cheerleader totally screw up and end up on the latest flight (they are kinda dim) while Mirna and mini-me get the Pizza Boys in a twist. Nic and Brandon (aka The WatchTower Team) burn Team Dwarf twice... and mini-me literally lies her miniature ass off to curry favor from strangers. The Mayor of San Carlos (Patagonia) clues the gang to one of the many chocolate factories where the choco master - another oompa loompa btw, has to watch a dozen or so strangers spit his chocolates all over his kitchen searching for one of twenty white creamy centers in a room loaded with eleven thousand dark chocolate centers. The Choco Master was prol’y not totally turned on by watching Charla STAND on the table gobbling and spitting chocolate like a scat queen so he didn’t give her his number. Daryl and Daryl are close to taking a contract out on the dwarf's pet Hoe, Mirna, but I’d fear for the killers if it comes to that. She’s like Inspector Clouseau with her dumb luck. The Pizza Boys can’t find white cream for shit... meanwhile everybody else shows up, eats a few choco’s and bingo! They dance away holding the white cream. Bwaahaha... It’s a race for first place between Colin and Christie and Team Dwarf as everybody scrambles up a mountain. Jim and Marsha (Dad and the cheerleader) are having real trouble... meanwhile the gangs are facing a detour choice between gliding down the mountain on a parachute or ramming red hot pokers in their eyes...er.. ok, riding a mountain bike (but seriously, who was gonna choose the bikes?) They all elect to tandem glide down the mountain with a guide. One of the Twins’ Para Guide must have been enjoying her perched in his lap... ‘cause he kept circling. One of the Rosie’s get scared before take off but they slapped her ass like a hesitant burrow and away she goes! It’s close to the checkpoint... so Mirna starts fixen herself up to see Lover Boy and they come in an amazingly lucky second to Colin and Christie. The twins dive into water and swim to the checkpoint, then Phil points out the shallow ford they had apparently not noticed. After choking back tears of laughter over the twins, we watch as Dad and Marsha (“Marsha Marsha Marsha... why does everything have to be about Marsha”) come in last place and get the boot.
Drive to Buenos Aeries Airport and catch a flight to Patagonia.
Find the mayor of some piss ant town and get a clue.
Boogie to a chocolate factory for a Road Block.
Make a pig of yourself to get the next clue (from a midget, btw)
Find your way to a mountain gondola and rider’er.
Detour down the mountain via Para Glider or a mountain bike.
Bang zoom it to the checkpoint.
Most Memorable Moment
Well... I want it to be the twins diving into the water without a second thought to options when they close on the checkpoint. Alas, (earwax) I can't get the image of Charla cramming her pie hole with chocolates, hunched up on the counter in the choco factory like a pet dog that discovers heaven when it's master isn't looking.
A bug just flew into your mouth...
"Can you help me? I need-eh to get to doctor-ee." Ok... besides listening to Charla and Mirna speaking english with fake accents, watching the little side show lie her ass off is hilarious.
"BITCH" ... bwaahahahaha... The Daryl's are driving past Mirna, as she hunches over to twiddle with a map and they yell a little love out to her... hahaha ... they don't know what they're messing with.
"I am sooo serious... we have to beat the midget." Colin, Colin, Colin... You should know better than to make the little people angry.
Ok... the boys you love to hate... the idiot New York Pizza Boys from Texas - who, btw, actually didn't know how to change a tire - are in the chocolate factory. It's a Road Block so only one player can perform the task... and the task, finding the white center chocolate, is totally beyond them. Z and I were high-fiving when Bob and Joyce hobble in and find a white center in like 10 seconds. The Daryl's were being totally demoralized by the experience.
The Airport scenes are getting nasty. The drill seems to be that teams band together to buy blocks of tickets... helping each other and screwing the people behind them in line. Mini-me and the Hoe actually stopped in the race to help out Nicole and Brandon... then N&B watch while Mirna and Charla miss their exit on the highway to the Airport. Ok... all's fair man. Then in the Airport, N&B agree to a ticket block with Mirna... then LIE TO MIRNA'S face when Mirna sees that N&B are forgoing that deal to get in on another ticket deal. The only thing in the world more dangerous than a woman scorned is an angry little circus act. I'm thinking there's some good revenge en route.
That "BITCH" comment is gonna come back to haunt the Pizza Boys!!
The Unbelievably Pathetic
So clearly, following the guidance of the lord, doesn't lend much to the notion of treating others as you would have them treat you. I mean, I know it's a game and a fight for a million bucks... but Nicole and Brandon brought up the religion angle first. Watching Brandon and Nicole abandon then lie to Mirna kinda makes it look like the whole god thing is a bit of a marriage of convenience for them.
So Dad comes back from a thousand stitches in his leg as the race starts... they manage to fight their way through the crowds... and then find themselves an hour behind the rest of them because Marsha forgot to buy the proper tickets at the Airport. Clearly they were not up to the task of this game. I mean, they got burned on every leg of the race. Their number was up on the docks at the get go.
... Checkered Flags & Crystal Balls
Yeah ok, the unremarkable Colin and Christie come in first for this leg... but her eyebrow maintenance routine has got to mess it up for them in the end. I'm still rooting for the Rosie’s, although Mirna's luck is kinda freaking me out. Maybe she'll get stuck on a door knob somewhere down the line... we'll see.
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