Amazing Race 5
Next Stop... The Bachelorette... you Ho!
Start yer engines... It’s "game on" time... and that means lying, arguing and ... apparently, sticking your hand in a cow's ass. They tango, they get groped by slimy Argentineans, and we watch the meltdown of two remarkably pathetic people.
Good Afternoon Race Fans....
(the show in as few words as possible!)
The Idiot and Miss. STFU are first out of the blocks on a midnight run to a downtown dance club that soaks the dancers with foam...?? The big challenge turns out to be, of course, reading a map. Thing 1 and Thing 2 get on each others nerves but they all end up on a ferry to Argentina... even though I really expected the foam to a) swallow the dwarf and b) be a stopper for Mirna... who no doubt enjoys dancing around covered in goo. The Rosie’s LIE HARDCORE to Jim and Marsha (Dad & the cheerleader) about needing to convert their American Dollars... and, amazingly, they fall for it. (bwaahaha). They all have to ask cab drivers to take them to Evita Peron’s grave ... and when half of them end up at the wrong cemetery we can all hear someone softly singing "don’t cry for me...". It’s hard enough for the dwarf to run, but running with a horseshoe shoved up her ass must be nearly impossible. The gang have just about reversed their positions in the race by the time they reach a "detour". This is all about walking a bunch of dogs or finding a face match for a picture on a dark tango dance floor. This is where Alison (Miss Shut the Fuck Up) and Donny totally lose it... The dog walkers find out the hard way that walking around a city block is impossible when you’re a FUCKING MORON. So most of ‘em end up trying to pick one Guido out of a room full dancing the tango. This, of course, leads to Mirna twirling... but then again, almost anything would. From dead last to a commanding lead, the oompa loompa and her Ho make it through the "road block" stealing clothes off an angry young cow... and no, CBS didn’t piss off Alison and tell everyone to have at her... they were real cows. Unbelievably, the dwarf her pet lawyer are second to the checkpoint behind the Blue Lagoon team of Bible Bandon and Watchtower Nichole. There’s a nasty game playing out between Chip&Dale and Thing 1 and Thing 2 but they end up in 8th and 9th. The decision to take the buss may appear to be reason Donny and Marie er... I mean Alison, are sooo far behind but the truth is that they’re at the back of the pack because they are two of the stupidest human beings on the freaking planet. They come in last and now they get to argue all the way to Hawaii.
Technically Speaking
Leaving in the same order as they arrived...
Teams split the Uruguay villa and drive downtown to a disco.
It’s a "foam club". Find beach ball, steal it form foamy disco kids and pop it open to find next clue.
Head to docks and catch a ferry to Argentina.
Locate Evita Peron’s grave.
Clue’it to a detour; walking the dogs or picking faces on a dance floor.
Cab it or buss it to a road block... one player plays "catch the little cow".
Then take a buggy ride to checkpoint.
Most Memorable Moment
Faced with the necessity of selecting one team member to enter a pen stocked with hundreds of calves, some with red scarves and retrieve a scarf.
Fine. So far so good. The instructions are pretty clear... "go in pen, get scarf, don’t hurt the cow." Well there’s Mirna trying to get Charla to go in to the pen and get trampled to death beneath the hooves of these little cows. Suddenly, all I can hear is "I don’t like the look of it, ooompa loompa doompadee dah!" And Charla starts going on about not wanting to stick her hand in a cow's ass... I’m not sure where that came from... clearly the instructions do not mention "Stick your hand in a cow's ass" but she assumes – for reasons undisclosed – that perhaps Mirna would be better suited for sticking her hand in a cow's ass. And off she goes. I was glued to the screen waiting to see Mirna being dragged around the pen screaming about her arm being stuck. Alas ... earwax.
A bug just flew into your mouth...
Thing 1 to Thing 2; "I’m not perfect... just better." Um... but I thought you were exactly the same?
Dad, while Marsha is strangely silent, "who’d have guessed... you have to go to Uruguay to find a Foam Club."
Okay... Mirna, trying not to pee herself when she and her Time Bandit make the doc, kicks the shit out of Spanish with "Possibl-la Boat Stopp-ee-a" bwaahahaha...
Donny: "You’re embarrassing..."
Alison: "You’re a loser..."
Gah... you can just feel the love...
And, my fav... when one of the Rosie’s gets the scarf off a cow... "WOW... You outsmarted a cow!".
The Good
When the gang gets off the Ferry in Argentina, Linda and Karen ("The Rosie’s") tell Jim and Marsha that they need to convert their American Dollars ... you know... American dollars that trade happily in the opium dens of darkest Asia... need to be converted to Argentine currency ... bwaahahaha... 23 years of military service hasn’t taught Jim a thing about the value of an American dollar. Any ways... they fell for it totally and ended up at the back of the pack cruising for Peron’s grave. Fortunately for them, the mix up between Juan and Eva’s grave, along with the dog walking fiasco put the Rosie’s behind Dad and the cheerleader. But still... I thought the lie was excellent gamesmanship. Go Go Rosie’s!!!
The Bad
Dad and the Cheerleader, who were so quick to LIE to Charla and Mirna last week, are totally on the war path about being tricked by the Rosie’s. hahaha... sucka! Get with the program guys... It’s a MILLION DOLLARS. Please expect to be lied to often!
The Ugly
Well... Chip and Kim start the show off by offering to lead Kami and Karli downtown... "follow us..." but Thing 1 and Thing 2 get lost. That’s the start. We end up watching as Chip "occupies" a seat in a cab that Thing 1 grabbed so that she cannot take off... To Kami’s credit, big honking burly black guy does not intimidate her too much. Another cab shows up and they split and race... all four of them think they are vying for positions 9 and 10... er... 9 and loser. When it becomes a foot race, I half expected Chip to stop and punch a few holes in Kami. Little did they know that Alison and Dipstick were way back there cursing at each other.
The Unbelievably Pathetic
Donnie and Alison are just pathetic. Every sound bite they get is used up calling each other names or saying stuff that would be good’nuf reasons to deliver a good swift kick in that ass in any normal relationship. His final quote is "This race has taught me to reevaluate my love for Alison." Well that’s sure sticking it to all those people that said he could never learn anything.
Losers
Thankfully... Donnie and Alison can go and fight on their way to Hawaii (they won a trip to Hawaii in the first show.) I wonder how many resumes and vhs tapes of her begging have been sent to The Bachelorette. Maybe she could be comic relief on an episode of The Apprentice.
... Checkered Flags & Crystal Balls
The Rosie’s are still on top for me.
(and for the record, Bob and Joyce freak me out. I keep thinking of John Larroquette from Night Court and can see him pointing at Joyce screaming "You’re Bent Barbara?")
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