Big Brother 5 Update!!
Project NFH - No Fat Here
BB5 kicks off this season with a little too much fashion sense and a house full of what seem to be genetically cloned pretty people and the required nods to tokenism. The Black Guy, The Lovely Homothexual, The Goober and The Goth-From-Plan-Nine carry the token-torch but the rest of 'em couldn't find a body hair or tooth decay if you paid 'em in big fat gold nuggets.
Space Vixen Julie (noticing her freakazoid silver outfit...) is practically creaming herself as she blurts out big-twist after big-twist... with a little dead-beat-dad revelation and a groove station twin thing kicking off "twist'o'rama".
Clearly, CBS is working overtime to get our attention and while they haven't represented any kind of age-range or body types beyond the pathetic clichés of steroids and eating disorders, there is little doubt that the show will entertain the faithful.
Loser say what?
(aka “The WEEK in as few words as possible”)
"Hi I'm Julie, this is my space suit and these are my freakish bottom teeth. I'd like to introduce you to this years crop of six pack abs, enhanced breasts, fake teeth, steroids, and eating disorders... oh and we tossed in a Bush supporter and a couple of hicks to reduce the hate mail." And with that... we're off and running with the "twist o'rama" edition of Big Brother. It's all about instant cliques as the UBCs (Upper Body Crew) form up, relegating the rest of them to be the "other guys" that will sub-divide based on more reasonable value systems like "capable of being in the same air space as Holly" and "willing to see past the fact that I call myself Nacromus". BB was gonna give them a great pantry of food thanks to their good effort with a strangely difficult food challenge but the retched cunt Lori accepted a ten thousand dollar pay off, so they all eat PB&J for the week. (How come they didn't fucking kill her on the spot?). Then we watch while Opy (inbred cowboy dude) realizes that he is Jennifer’s' ("but I was given the name Nacromus when I was 15....by my other goth dork friends while we burned incense in a graveyard at midnight chanting BettleJuice and told each other we didn't like listening to Orgy") half brother. He and she share a dad... who may just turn out to be his mom's older brother... Two - or more (insert ominous music here) of the house-mats left a twin sibling behind to come to the show but "big twist" number two is that one house-mat (and my money is on Drew - but I read something about Holly!!!) is actually playing both ends by switching places (in an undisclosed schedule) inside the house with their twin... begging the question "do they get to talk to each other between switches?". They pick a BDOC (Big Dick On Campus aka head of household) by running on a tread mill and answering trivia questions about one another. They end up with Jase... the guy with the jock strap on his head... and that puts the UBC's in the nice bedroom for the week. Mike - the Bush boy with a reasonable amount of body fat, and Necromus are on the block and now we wait for next week... to watch them evict Mike (my guess).
Marvin (token HUGE black dude): "all these anorexic white chicks..." word brutha!
Will: "I'm really gay, but I'm not going to tell anyone... but you. I want to spring it on them at the right time..." Meanwhile I will prance around in this bright pink toque.
Most Memorable Moment
Adria, aka Pink Bathrobe Chick, bawling her freaking eyes out when the goobers (Opy and Nacromus) were reading their letters from their shared daddy... the dead beat dude that's heading for a court ordered pay off to Opy's mom! She (Adria) is just killing herself... it's great.
Estrogen Is Your Friend
Holy freaking shit... I'm almost speechless... look at these girls... Do they eat?
~ Lori... is offered (and accepts) 10G's to trade the house-mats groceries for PB&J all week... and they don't lynch her seconds later. WTF? The deal was that BB was gonna offer each of 'em the 10G's and I figured they'd all demure to "stay with the program". It's very telling that the entire gang didn't walk up and close that money box one-after-another. You can dress'em up but you can't erase the stain of a self-centered-bitch.
~ Karen... seems nice enough... but there's something... some little thing...
~ Adria... bawling away like crazy as the shared-daddy thing is revealed. Expect many many tears from this girl...
~ Will... the Male Nurse... and yeah... nobodies gonna know your gay WITH THAT BIG PINK TOUQUE.
~ Jennifer, aka Nocromus, (I almost wet myself when she said she wanted to be called nocromus) is the well-tattooed, disaffected youth that is here to provide a foil to the panteen pro-vitamin dates that makes up the rest of the titty crew.
~ Holly... you know that sound you get when you leave the phone off the hook too long? They made that by just recording her talking... she's all hair, lips, teeth, and squeaky noises. The real question is whether or not her two remaining brain will survive the PB&J thing...
~ Diane is a weasely snake of a woman ... and she is already trying to figure out which one of the UBCs she will milk first. Oh, and when they were introducing themselves to one another, she does this thing with her hands... like she just pulled them out of a blender... gah!
UBC boys ... OMG... do you see these guys? Is that what guys look like now or did they make them? Ok I'll stop, but sheeeeeeeet.
~ Scott'O and his little bottom lip fur-chunk ... rather fancies himself ... don't ya think? You know Scott is gonna get axed as soon as the "outsiders" get a vote.
~ Jase has a great load of potential... he actually seems like he might be a nice guy...
~ Drew and his twin (I'm certain it's them) are an un-played card. But he does look like apple pie is gonna shoot out of his nose any second.
~ Marvin (there's a pain in the diodes all down my left side) is a gas... big, black, and wrapping every stereotype possible into his significant frame - and they will hate him because he's way to used to just taking what he wants.
~ Mike... voted for Bush... there's nothing else to say.
~ Michael... his high school buddies must have called him "Penis" to his face, a lot, and he thought it was a compliment. And when he gets his old job back on the howdy doodie show...
Micheal works out that Nostrodomus (or whatever she's called) is his half sister and he agonizes over what to do about it... meanwhile the producers are popping champaign corks and high five’en each other in the control room.
I'm surprised that we didn't see anybody set up one of those top-secret alliances but there's plenty of time for that I suppose... but alliances are all over the place never-the-less. The thing is... it's all for shit. The "gang of" alliances are nothing more than moths circling the light... the real alliances are yet to be formed.
Karen... because the UBCs are going to implode...
~ I do this for fun. I will use every nasty descriptive adjective I can imagine with these people and if it offends you... you're clearly not in the right spirit for this stuff... so piss off. :D
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