Amazing Race 5
Oh Look, A Clue
Start yer engines... and then ram a nail into your leg and bleed all over the damn place. The race is on baybeee... and there will be blood and sides of beef everywhere. Do yourself a favour... have the seafood when visiting Uruguay. We really have a great collection of "scintillating", stand-out characters and they had me howling last night...
Good Afternoon Race Fans....
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Ready? Set? Go... and GI Geriatric wipes out ... 25 stiches... and then the retired Czech hooker practically drags the dwarf (along the wharf... go figure) towards the cars. Personalities burst out as the driver/navigator roles are established and they’re airport bound. Fly to South America and get a hand job. Then its taxis, ferries, fibs, fights, flags and the guidance of the Lord, as the racers make their way across Uruguay. It’s all about staying ahead or getting the best departure time because you do not want to be last to the checkpoint. Of course, not completely missing a clue would help, but clearly things even out and winning turns out to be totally dependant on how nice you aren’t. That of course puts Alison (aka The Girl With The Sore Ass) out in front with her Pet Gerbil, Donny. Erica and Dennis are here to test their love. And they are first to be on their way home... draw your own conclusions.
Start on a dock in California.
Run to a car and drive to an airport.
Get on one of two flights... first one out is the slower gig.
Race to a monument of a hand on a beach in Uruguay and clue it to an Island.
Find a ticket for a morning boat ride, and then back to the mainland.
Haul Ass with a 50 lb side of beef and get another clue.
Now find a casino and actually READ THE CLUE to get the detour.
Ride a zip line between towers or play roulette then burn it to the checkpoint.
Most Memorable Moment
So on a middle leg of the race, the players are dressed in big rubber gloves, and white lab coats. While we may have been expecting some kinda big enema thing, the reality is that they are told to lug a 50 lb side of beef across town (walking) to this butcher shop. Ok... Elderly Internet Lover Boy Bob looked like his pacemaker was gonna shoot out of his chest... but that’s not the good part. Charla the dwarf and Mirna the Ho (k’mon, she acts like she just hung up the 6 inch stilettos last week) are having real trouble. Easily the biggest laugh of the show was the camera turning back to them as Mirna practically dies trying to lug the beef and we see Charla... with her full size pack on her back and Mirnas’ pack on her front... She’s not much bigger than either pack... and she’s RUNNING! Then they actually miss the butcher shop and struggle four extra blocks... Meanwhile, Mirna is about to fucking die. You’d think she never had to hold a big slab of meat with both hands before. I was dying.
A bug just flew into your mouth...
"Come on Charla... run... run... run..." Holy crap man... They don’t give carry licenses to dwarfs for this very reason... ‘cause you know Mirna would have several holes in her after she yelled "run" the third time.
"They got women driving back there... they’re not gonna be too aggressive." BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Ok... besides the sickening chauvinism that was spewing out of Pizza boy, he obviously has not had much real experience with actual women drivers...
"We’re trusting in the Lord to lead us..." Yes, Nic and HE put twenty fucking taxi cabs at the side of the road for you... you stupid model-slash-idiot.
"Clearly I’m more intelligent than you..." (Alison to Donny) Now, the AT (Alison Translator) is needed here... what she actually was saying "I’m a retched, gaping cunt, dedicated to making your life a living hell and I should be beaten up by escaped convicts."
"Charla... Get your whistle. Tweeeeeeet... tweeeeeeeeeeet" And then a car pulls over... a 45 year old guy gets out, runs over to Chala and punches that whistle down her tiny little throat.... Ok ok ... not this week.
The two women with the "Bowling Moms" shirts... are basically twin Rosie O’Donnel clones and seem to be everything the two black football superstar wives wish they were from last years Amazing Race. They are clearly a pair of sweet women that know how to put their back into life and will probably enjoy every minute they get in this race. They did great in the race and I hope they have staying power.
WOW... twenty six year old, blonde twins – with enough gums for, like, eight people – and dumb as fucking posts. Fire hydrants have higher IQ’s than these two. You know that dis "Get a clue"?? yeah, well they wrote that for Kami and Karli. One leg of the race requires them to grab a clue and hitch a ride on a ferry back to the main land. "Clues" are provided to racers in these red and orange boxes adorned by big ass red and orange flags. The twins fall from like third place to near-the-end by running around the docks searching for the clue box. They run past it several times... like they almost bump into the damn thing. Then... in the final leg they have to go get a clue from a box ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE BLUE AND WHITE HOTEL. So they cab it to the hotel... and go directly inside? They totally missed the clue (as did Chip and Dale, btw) and end up at the final checkpoint only to be told they have to go back (bwahahaha) and find the missing clue.
You know those ball caps with beer can holders and straws that dangle down? Yeah, well Marshall and Lance – the New York Pizza Boys from Dallas – prol’y own a few of those. These guys own special crayons for writing letters to the editors of their fav magazines... No really. One of them bumped in to Jim (the cheerleaders’ dad) on the wharf at the start of the show and when Jim hit the wood... he caught a nail in his knee and ended up getting 25 stitches and almost missing the flight (hence ... good bye). They were totally going chauvinist as the race started and we can prol’y count on them doing plenty more to ensure that they will be continuing to live celibate lives once the race is over.
The Unbelievably Pathetic
The pressure is on... you’ve found the detour clue and shied away from the physical challenge because you can’t keep your ass out of a casino. But the roulette gods smile on you and you manage to not get the dwarf pissed off at you... and then? "Charla... can we do one hit of blackjack? We could double our money." Um... the money they GAVE you for this leg of the journey? You freaking idiot... and if Mini-Me’ette had demurred ... Mirna would pro’ly still be in there yelling Hit Me.
Oh, and when it dawns on her that the checkpoint is next... she starts talking about how "hot" Phil is... (Phil Keoghan, the host) and then plants a hug on him when she gets to the checkpoint. I bet ya Mirna is going to get disqualified for something...
"We came here to test our love..." And you Lost. Hahahaha... Dennis and Erika have some soul searching to do... Maybe a little naked skydiving...
... Checkered Flags & Crystal Balls
Alison and Donny win tonight’s leg... and get a Hawaiian vacation for their trouble. We were treated to a video moment of her slipping on the stairs and falling hard on her ass... which was prol’y karma for winning tonight. As for the big Race Winner... Anybody but Alison and Donny... pawwwleeease. It’s too damn early to tell who will not crack... but I’m hoping that Linda and Karen (The "rosie’s") make it to the end.
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