November 1st, 2000


Swat Team guy

So, I got this guy on my street... 'swat team guy' ... Basically this an odd combo of Lucky - the guy from the coke commercials - and the father guy from the tv show "king of the hill". I mean, like clockwork, all summer long, every second weekend, the moms all along the street find something to do that give's em a good view of swat team dudes front yard... He'll be there Saturday mid-morning, cutt'en the lawn in jeans and a muscle shirt that will invariably be removed - a one handed move worthy of a black and white CK Eternity ad - and used to mop his great-big-brow. I guess I should set up one of those parabolic microphones and make a tape recording of the collective 'gasps' that fog up all the second story windows... oh yea, and he IS a member of the regional swat team...
Anyways, Swat Team dude has a couple of boys (around 5 & 7) that have no end of toy riffles, bow&arrows, karate lessons, boxing gloves... no aggression there... no. (phuk) For halloween, swat team household decorates their garage all spooky like and the dude himself dresses in a big ol scary monster outfit (fresh from an episode of scooby doo) and hides in the garage.
As the kiddlettes come up the laneway he jumps out from hiding, screams out gnarly monster sounds and throws (catapults!) the lil'trick-or-treat treat bags at the approaching ghouls, goblins and fairy princesses.
Picture George (my lil'guy) dressed as a peter pan / robin hood spin-off standing there half-way up the laneway. Slack jawed from the moment the lights flashed and monster jumps out... then the little plastic pumpkin he's carrying (candy tote) in one hand and the bow&arrow 'bow' (cleverly made from garden edging pvc plastic!!) in the other hand both drop to the asphalt when the monster yells - so Peter/Robin is standing there arms at his side, pumpkin full of goodies slowly rolling away behind him and WWWHHHAAACK! A crinkly-plastic bag with some peanuts, a min bag of chips, a mini oh-henry, a bubble gum and a lolli totally nails him in the center of the chest (swat team guy's been to target practice) and bounces off. .. ... .... at least 10 seconds of dead silence goes by... George grabs for the new bag of goodies, his bow turns and scrambles for the rolling pumpkin - gets that - and bolts towards Mom - who is also standing 'slack jawed' just off the end of the laneway. By this time, a little group of teeny kiddies, amorphous fairy wings stretching out behind half of them, and pointy black hats on the other half are just getting to the foot of the laneway ... (NEXT)
This is funny and scary on many levels.
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(no subject)

Ok, just a quick story...
Ed, my littlest one (he'll be 3 in Jan 2001) has a new catch phrase "It's my castle!" Now, this is a telling statement... you see he is pretty sure of the concept there, in so far as he is king, it's his castle and we (m & d) are not supposed to go wherever the castle is. So tonight - after the after dinner candy extravaganza* - the Halloween loot gets divvied up into gum, candy, chocolate... three bags. Now Geo does not like chocolate (where'd he come from?) and Ed, just freak'en loves it... hand to mouth, hand to mouth, hand to mouth! and a box of chocolates would be g o n e !

I'm cleaning up in the kitchen and Ed comes in... "Dad? The living room is my castle, ok?" (me) "Sure, ok Ed... " and he trots off. I quietly begin to sneak down the hall to peer around the corner carefully to check out what's going on in the living room. He's sitting cross-legged against the couch. There's the ("how the hell did he get that down from the shelf!") bag of mini chocolate bars, dumped in the middle of the floor, three boxes of chocolate covered raisins and peanuts opened and poured on the rug between his feet. hand to mouth, hand to mouth... I mean I was cleaning up for just a few minutes... Anyways, he'd of eaten the whole load if I had stayed out of his castle.

* There are two schools of thought on Halloween candy... space it out and make it last in small manageable doses or 'dive right in' (here today gone tomorrow). I'm into the third school, where you eat all the candy when the kids are asleep and tell 'em goblins got it. (hahahaha just kidding) No seriously, I'd rather see it go quickly.

ps. I read in someones journal (twilight) a Halloween story from this girls 'way past'. Her dad would make two piles out of each kids candy... one pile of suspicious candy and another of slightly less suspicious. The first is dated Dec 30 and the second Nov 30. Then he waits to see if any of the kids in the neighborhood die before Nov 30... "here, eat bag one"... then again... any dead by
Dec 30? "nope, her eat bag two..."
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