Survivor VIII : The All Stars
The Ramber Show: The Finale
Wherein... we are treated to the best Survivor has had to offer in several seasons... Lex sputters, Rob kneels, Amber uses two hands, and Jenna lays the seeds for years and years of frustrating dreams. While some Survivors had fun being utterly cruel to one another, others fessed up to getting nekkid together and while that may sound fun, the real deal was the look on Jeff’s face as all this was unfolding... If he was smiling at the “ugly fest” of a jury, he was surely getting wet spots when the final two sprung their little surprise. Oh, and somebody poured a bucket of water over The Wicked Witch Of The West.
(the show, all three hours of it, in as few words as possible!
Ramber, Rupert and Jenna... drop Rupert after Amber builds her ladder fastest, and then it's all about Jenna, till she lifts her foot and ends her chance at the million. Rob and Amber duke it out, but when Rob doffs the immunity necklace one last time, he does just what you expect. Rob and Amber face the jury and it's messy. Kathy, Lex, Alicia and Tom are p-p-p-p-p-pissed. Kats got tears, Toms got a finishing nail in his ass, and Lex... totally psycho. Rob takes it... and Amber smiles. The votes go out and we head back to New York city. Amber's shirt proclaims some Rob love and Rob, on his knee proclaims some Amber love, giving her a ring on national TV. Jeff worries he just wet himself and all the keynote speakers get their kick at the can. Jerry can't hack the audience still thinking she's white trash and runs away, but not before Jeff reads the votes and we see little miss soon to be Mrs. get all the glory, and a million bucks to boot. Tom's a dick, Lex is still psycho and Susan Hawk should be put out of our misery. Jeff lets Amber give away another car... and She-Useless is rewarded for her swing vote. For a final twist, Jeff tells us all to go to www.cbs.com and vote for one of the 18 original All-Star cast to be handed a cool million in a second first prize. We find out who gets it on a CBS last gasp show this coming Thursday. The end. :D
How About Some Details?
Rupert and Jenna face off against Rob and Amber for the Survivor 8 Big finale... It all kicks off with a little review of each players ouster. Other than reminding us that Susan Hawk is a whack job, it was uneventful, although there was a moment of foreshadowing when Tom (tossed last week) gives the evil eye to Boston Rob as he begins his walk of shame. It's down to the wire and everyone’s favorite pirate - Ruppee The Beard - is being sorted into Hufflepuff... Rob and Amber er... Ramber, for short, tell Jenna that they are both voting for Rupert because - honestly - they can't imagine winning against him at the Jury, and they leave the rest of it up to Jenna. Jenna, in agony over her little Sophie’s Choice, makes little noises about sticking to her alliance but we know... she sees herself as a possible money winner if she can win Immunity.
The game will play out as a tie if she and Rupert hold a unified vote and a tie is broken by drawing a ball from a bag... get the purple ball and yer out. Jenna doesn't want to play the purple ball game and she does want the money. So when Rupert says "My fate rests with a 26 year old momma who really wants to win." we all knew he had the right of it.
Jeff treats everyone to a hearty breakfast and when game time comes, it's a kick ass obstacle course deal in which are placed several "rungs" to a ladder that the players have to assemble to ascend for victory. It's a squeaker but, amazingly, Amber grabs her first taste of immunity and Rupert's fate is sealed.
The council comes and goes and notably, Jeff never asked Amber if she wanted to give her Immunity away. It's Rupert's time to walk, and he does it with class befitting a giant teddy bear and the game is now all about Jenna. This is where we are tortured with the Big Walk as the final three "collect their memories" so the editors can feed us a million moments from the season. The only memorable moment takes the form of Colby doing his "chaffed thigh" walk across the camp... the rest of the "memories" seem like a review of all the chances the players had to oust Amber but failed to see the light. The kids doll up in face paints and beads, representing some obscure Indian tribe and it's time to play the final immunity.
Jeff introduces the "How badly do you want it?" game of stand-on-the-pole till you're all alone but then reads off a much of rules... don't lift your foot, one hand on the idol, etc... etc... etc... and I was immediately struck with the notion that this will be a game of rules-based-elimination. I couldn't have been more right, as all hope fades for Jenna when she is the first one tossed because she erroneously lifts her foot. Now it's just Ramber on the poles and, while you'd think their professed love and trust for one another would send Rob off his pole... and you'd be wrong. The talk it out and end up battling one another to the bitter end. "Bitter" is a good word for it, as Amber fucks up and touches the idol with her other hand, and bingo... Boston Knob becomes the final Immunity boy by default.
The road to glory...
Editors are a cheesy lot... with a few feeble attempts to lay seeds of suspicion that Rob may take Jenna to the Jury. But that was total crap and Jenna knows it. Rob votes and she's gone. Ramber gets to hang back at camp for one more night - and despite my urging - they didn't go total porno for the cameras. They wake up, and use up the day doing what they usually do... almost nothing, and then walk away from camp without any consideration of the moments potential... and they didn't clean anything up (I'm remembering Colby and Tina clearing camp and burning everything...).
Lex clearly spent way way too much time anticipating this moment and he tries to go hard core after Rob and his backstabbing ways... He proclaims that this is not a game (um...?) and that friendship should have come first. Kathy cries and basically says the same thing. Rob, unusually tongue tied only responds that he played "competitively" (correct, give the man a prize) but it's not till Shi-Ann states the obvious "those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" that we see a hint of come-back at Looney Lex. Tom also embraces the dark side doing one of those "gotcha" handshake pull away things saying "don't be stupid, stupid" when he makes like he'll accept Robs apology. Rob, for some strange reason, couldn't hear me when I was yelling at him to make his final "2 minute speech" something like "well fuck you guys... you are the sorriest bunch of sore losers I've ever met... and that's what you are... the guys that lost. This is a game and you guys have way to much time on your hands." Instead, he acts choked up and apologizes but holds his own. Meanwhile, Amber is cruising along with a smile and patience. Alicia, in a moment of being kinda gross actually, tosses out "I can't decide who has the most crap on their lips." They all cast their votes and the now cliché helicopter ride brings Jeff and his little clay pot back to NYC.
The Reunion / Winner
After another moment of disbelief watching that Gain Detergent commercial, the one where the woman is caught with her neighbors underwear pressed over her face, sniffing, beside the clothes line? wtf? and then it's on to New York. Amber is the first thing we see, wearing a "I love Rob" shirt, kissing him and giving the people that were boo'ing a big thumbs down. Jeff is beside himself with joy as Survivor after Survivor makes some bizarre melt-down move (Lex and Tom are still being dicks), Jerry, aka The Wicked Witch of the West, tries to be deep and gets some big ass BOOO's from the audience for her trouble. We come back from commercial and apparently someone poured a bucket of water over her because she’s gone. Indeed, she did leave in a huff and Jeff leads them in a “why we love Jerry” moment . Then, the big hummer of a moment when Boston Rob gets on his knee to Amber and produces a ring. She says yes, and then Jeff reads the votes... It's 4 to 3 for Amber... and counting Rob's 250K second place award and the two vehicles... they're a couple starting off with a nice little nest egg. :D Rob even pulled off "regardless" at one point ... when I would have had good money on him saying "irregardless". They were plenty cute... (btw, keep picturing Jeff with this big ass shit eat’en grin as the good stuff goes down). Susan Hawk was picked to be on some extreme makeover show and stands up to show off what she’s had done to her body... and she still looks like a freaking fire hydrant. It seems that Jenna got married a couple of days ago – and digs Hawk with a smile and “I didn’t have anything done”. Ethan and Jenna M. are dating and Richard The Fat Naked Fag, is apparently in a torrid relationship with a desk from Argentina. "I arrived in Argentina, went into the hotel, saw a guy behind a desk and we haven’t been apart since." Jeff starts by giving Amber, the winner, a car to give away to the Survivor of her choice... After some discussion with Rob, she gives it to Shi-Ann, who had cast the deciding vote in her 4:3 victory. Jeff ends by telling the studio and television audience that we all get two days to vote at www.cbs.com for any one of the full eighteen All-Star Survivors... the one with the most votes will get a million dollar pay off from CBS. I voted... for Rupert, the big wholly psycho pirate. From an "earned it" perspective... I think he takes the big numbers... If the world were a funhouse of irony... Rob Cesternino would get the million. The end. :D
~ Want a heads up on the next Survivor? Check the map at Survivor Maps.
~ you gotta admit... as far as Survivor Finales go... that one was a great ride.
My Last Word
Thank you... for reading these, for commenting on them... and having conversations in the threads... You make this so much fun to do!!! I appreciate the company. Thanks again... and I hope I see you next time.
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