Survivor 8: The All Stars!!
Uncle Tom’s Stabb’en.
Wherein...the unbelievable stupidity of these last five pencils is made more obvious than Anna Nicole Smiths last quarter-pounder. Good plots go bad, being a hoe gets ya a car, and being a pawn simply does not pay off... regardless of Fiona Apples long song titles.
(the show in as few words as possible!
And then there were five... skinny white people to suffer in the rain. Well, skinny is a bit rich... Uncle Tom still jiggles when he tries to talk. After spending a few precious moments listening to Tom chatting and knowing full well that there are people all over the US with pasty white biceps sunburned forearms saying "what? I don’t get the joke" we move to Rupert-the-swollen-kidney talking to Jenna-talks-a-lot plotting Robs downfall only to find that Rob is ... um... standing right fucking beside them... I mean, good god people... Anyways, it’s off to Reward and, like that 8th hole at the charity golf turny, there’s a truck (GMC Colorado) sitting on the Tee. Everybody runs, jumps, balances, crawls, solves, chops and climbs, dropping away until – big farquing surprise – it comes down to Amba, (her fake boobs) and Rob (her fake boyfriend). Despite Jeff’s dire warning of the non-winning fate of every car winner in Survivor history, Rob is truck boy. He goes to the drive in... and takes... another big surprise... Amba... so she can rub his tummy while they watch Lord of the Flies, from the back of Ralph’s new truck. Oh... and Amber gets a car too... apparently just for being Rob’s Hoe. With only five players left, the game is all about not resorting to outright violence, because you know they all want to kick the snot out of each other and it’s only the lack of protein keeping them from it. Everybody is still scratch scratch scratching but none leave you gagging on yesterdays lunch like watching Tom removing layers of his own skin. Rob sends Uncle Tom into a tailspin of aggression towards Rupert in a successful bid to squeeze the both of them by the lima beans, and then we’re off to Immunity. This one is a Word Search puzzle finding 17 Survivor tribe names and then solving the hidden word (Chaboga Mogo). Pathetically, Rob takes this one as well... and everybody watching at home says FUCK at the same time. Tom seems to enjoy being Fiona Apples last album title while the Rob and Amba show is all about smelling the cash... They go to the Tree House and the Jury reveals their nature, Tom quotes Shakespeare and the Bible in one sentence (so you just know he’s toast) and then Rob empties a clip into Tom’s back. See ya Bubba.
Most Memorable Moment
Alas... it’s Rob. When he sicks Tom on Rupert and the two hairy freaks are going at it in the lagoon... we get these shots of Boston Knob standing behind them smirking away... kinda like he was posing for a gun club target poster.
He said, she said...
"Every one of us stinks like rotten dogs..." Rupert, laying the foundations for a career doing Right Guard commercials...
Jeff, as the Reward Game progresses... "Amber... nothing but net!" Although, I’m pretty sure he meant to say "Amber... nothing but bones and saline".
Jeff, after the Reward Game... "Nicely done Mariano... what up!" Now, I dunno about you... but Jeff saying "what up" was just wrong... next thing you know they’ll have him in an upside down visor with baggy pants doing "Survivor: The Hood" and saying things like "Word ‘em up home-slice...".
Now for some translation of the Rob and Amba Speak;
Rob: "I’m not gonna forfeit the million... not even for her..." "Amber? Who’s Amber?"
Amber: "I’m a good catholic girl..." "I’ve been stuck to a vinyl bus seat before."
Rob: "Yeah, but your still pretty sexy..." "you swallow right?"
Amber: "I know..." "Yes... of course..."
- and –
Amber: "I can taste the money..." "... it tastes like chicken..."
Amber: "It’s gonna change our lives..." "we can get a really nice trailer"
Rob: "I know..." "... and you’ll still swallow right?"
Tom, the last time he speaks... the first time you can understand him... "Fare well, fair-weather friends..." getting his last dig in to Rob after Rob fucking played him like he was a big dumb red neck corn collector... oh wait...
The kids get to Happy Beach to find a GMC Colorado sit’en all pretty like and Jeff explains a big honking elimination style obstacle race. It’s purely physical so Rupert and Tom should have just gone for a little lie down... Jenna falls out at the only cerebral moment... having to do a little Thai puzzle thing... and ultimately Rob grabs the winners keys to the truck. The reward is this deal about driving down the beach in yer new truck and parking at this makeshift drive-in and chowing down on tube steaks, pop and candy. Survivor has loaded up Lord of the Flies, 1963, to entertain them. The films imagery may have totally passed by Rob – the 28 year old Bostonian that lives with his mom and prol’y does not even know where the laundry room is. But fortunately for CBS he didn’t come back and kill Tom (oh, wait...) Jeff, having recently morphed into a gang banger from the hood, hands Amber a set of keys to her own new car... so she got on her knees and blew Rob and Jeff right there and then... er... ok fine... But she did need to be peeled off the seat of her new car. Apparently, whomever the Reward winner elected to take... would have received this "additional prize". The loser-three are none-too-excited at the news upon their return from the Island Drive In.
A word search game on a big-board. They stand in front of it and circle words... (past Survivor Tribe names) in order to find the "hidden letters". The hidden letters spelled Chaboga Mogo, but you had to find 17 hidden words first. They all did pretty much the same... except that Amber and Rob held a slight lead throughout. In the end... Rob takes the prize... and he is well pleased with his punk ass little self.
Chaboga Mogo actually translates into "this place sucks cocks in hell"... and all they actually do in camp is either sit in the rain or walk away from the spot they sat in the rain at. Walking away from that spot, however, is only done as part of some evil plot to gain private access to one of the collected ugly white people. Basically, it’s a world where paranoia reigns supreme. The editors continue to have fun with the nature imagery... as they face the day of the Immunity game, we are treated to an extreme close up of a snail... which is basically a slug with it’s own Winnebago... and the sound bites are all about how Rob and Amba don’t do any work... Then, after the Immunity game... it’s a view of a bunch of crabs doing the groovy sideways scurry shuffle.
Let’s hear it for Darwin!
Ok... gotta say, the entire Darwinism thing has been really tested here, given that it took them THIRTY-SIX DAYS to shove Uncle Tom in the cannon and shoot his dancing ass out of there...
The Magic Tree House
The jury struts in, very obviously being led by Lex and his still-very-bitter-‘tude, and his hearth brush head. When Amber states the simple fact that everyone is focused on the end game... and comments that she can "smell the money" we get a nice Jury moment of huge eyeball rolling and restrained malcontent. Like none of them would be "all about the money" if their loser asses weren’t on the Jury. Then, after 36 days of not really understanding a thing Tom has to say, he manages to quote both Shakespeare and the bible with ... gasp... clarity. When Rob votes he cryptically comments "You’re welcome for carrying you this far..." So while we were all certain Jenna was taking a walk... the votes go out and come back as All Tom. You can just hear the squishy noises as Rob pounds that dagger into Tom’s back. In fact, Tom’s final words were on the mark as it finally dawns on him that the other guys were actually playing a game... (idiot) and say’s "Fare well fair-weather friends".
~ the season finale is this Sunday... two hours of show and an hour of reunion where they’ll pick the winner... And from the look of the jury, I’m starting to think they really freaking hate Rob and Amber.
~ I’m guessing that if Rupert can get past the last elimination round, he’ll get the money. They had three... Tom, Jenna and Rupert... enough to crack the Rob and Amber deal... but they fucking blew it. Now it’s two against two.
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