Survivor 8: The All Stars!!
Rupert Porn... lovely.
Wherein... Everybody is on their last nerves, so it’s a good time to haul out everyone’s "loved ones" and torture them in front of the gang. Nice huh... and if you’re one of the millions of fans that has recently said "If Rob doesn’t win Immunity and they don’t vote him out... I’ll quit watching." ... well, it’s looking like quitt’en time.
(the show in as few words as possible!
It’s a lovely day in Panama... the birds are singing... the sun is shining and Shi-Ann is making an alliance with a bush. It’s day 31 in the land of allstar losers and they are really starting to feel the burn. Jenna, well, everybody, hates Shi-Anne, Shi-Ann and Rupert hate Jenna, Tom hates education, and Rob? Well who the fuck cares who Rob likes... Reward is the annual return to sick-o-island with the fear factor dinner menu, and this time Jeff trots out the "Loved One Crew" and makes them eat... besides Jenna’s brother almost electing to kick the shit out of Jeff... it was a predictable process of revulsion and elimination until Tom’s Thumb (Bo) is the last man (and I use that term loosely) standing. Tom gets a night of pizza, beer and peace with his son and AND gets to take another tribe member and loved one with him. He picks (OMFG) Boston Knob and his brother... so essentially there are four grown men and a collective intellect of about one eight year old boy addicted to sniff’en glue. Immunity is all about lighting a fire and, for the first time, it seems they could have really screwed themselves with a game that could end without a winner... but alas, Tom wins this one too. He’s safe for now... but not the angry little yellow girl. Shi-Crazy-Fucker goes over the edge at the Tree House trying to stir the pot and ensures that any lingering doubt of her being tossed is cast aside. Now we get to watch Shi-Ann and Alicia fighting on the jury bench... bwaahahaha...
Most Memorable Moment
Unfortunately, the most memorable moment in this epi, for me anyways, was when Shi-Ann’s mom came out... and Shi-Ann morphed into Trogdor. Geezus... she is one scary look’en little twig when she starts bawling...
He said, she said...
Shi-Ann on Jenna (which isn’t as much fun as it sounds!) "Girls’ a bitch!" oh come on... a bitch? Really... I mean, you’re all all-stars... how can one of you loser shit for brains idiots be a bitch?
Uncle Tom, when his moral fabric is tested by Rupert’s affectionate reception for his wife: "There was slobbers hang’en down in his beard!"
- or – "Shi-Ann is try’en to make an alliance with a bush..." bwahahaha...
This he says while sitting with his idiot son Bo, Boston Knob and the Knob bro... drink’en beer, eating pizza and thinking Robs got his back to the final...
Rob: "Tom? I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him..." Very eloquent...
But he gets even more so...
"Big Tom is pretty dumb... but Bo? Is pretty out there..." ah yes... years of secondary school English classes really left a healthy mark on you... You really should parley this gig into a speech writing deal.
And Jeff: "You get it all out?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I almost fainted... he says this to Shi-Ann as she rants away like mad at the tribal council... and you know... there’s a point when the spot light is not illuminating your words... but rather illuminating the specter of your insanity.
Fish heads, flying cockroaches, hard-core-bad-smelly-fish, a giant tarantula, and live wickety bugs... a menu fit for your loved ones. The gang gets together for Immunity and Jeff hauls out all their loved ones for a cry fest... Everybody gets a hug moment... although Rupert tries to rinse off his wife’s lungs with his tongue and when she wraps her leg around him I started yelling "get a room". Then he makes the "loved ones" eat that shit... and as Z points out to me while we watch, "show me one of those big ass spiders and say eat it and I’ll say see ya in six days."
Nothing can compare to the blood drinking fest on Survivor Africa... but watching six strangers trying to eat the stinky fish... barfing into their closed mouths and THEN SWALLOWING IT AGAIN... is pretty fucking close.
Jenna’s brother looked pretty solid... until he grabs a drink to help wash down the cat sized spider. Jeff calls him on it (against the rules) and he starts to pull attitude on Jeff... "You never said we couldn’t..." Yeah, right dildo... and everyone is just eating this shit without drinking because... because it’s more fun that way. Whatever... he’s out. The game came down to Rob’s brother (the guy with the Stapler in Office Space) versus Tom’s son (Bo) and it really was no contest because Bo appears to be the sort of guy that finds escargot crunchy.
The prize is a trip to the old "Chapera" camp which has been decked out with nice sleeping gear, hot pizza and plenty of beer. Oh, and Uncle Tom gets to pick another survivor (and loved one) to go with... so while everyone is hollering to pick Rupert (dude’s been here since the beginning of the Pirate Survivor) it appears that Rupert’s decision to give Tom the potatoes at last weeks reward was a mistake.
Tom goes on to rag about Rupert practically copulating with his long lost wife at their hug moment... as if that is why he didn’t want them (Rupert and wife) here for the night... He picks Boston Knob and his dim brother to hang with him and his son over night. I swear to god I was waiting for one of the four of them to yell "Hey everybody... watch this." And then die doing something.
For some strange reason... editing editing... we get zero footage of the kids at camp while Tom and Rob celebrate back at Chapera. We do, however, see Shi-Ann trying to work out how she can get people to hate Jenna. This goes nowhere... Jenna tries to talk to Rupert about the way he lets his attitude make him a fucking ass hole... He catches a bunch of fish and feeds ... himself. He takes it as Jenna Control Freak stuff... and while she may be a control freak... it’s usually the mental fuck ups that complain about it.
See-Saw... water bucket on one side... fire bucket on the other. Singing "there’s a hole in the bucket...." You gotta start a fire... then fill the water bucket to raise the fire up high ‘nuf to light a ‘Burninator" wick up above.
Problem: limited number of matches and a hole in the water bucket. Everybody fucks this up beautifully and when it was down to Shi-Ann and Tom as the only ones left with matches... Jeff must have started sweating about what the hell to do if there is no winner... Unfortunately, Tom wins and seals Shi-Useless’s fate. Notably, Rob has a nice freak out when he realizes he’s out of matches and can’t win. Look Rob... it’s something in the show that’s not "all about you". Now fuck off.
Let’s hear it for Darwin!
Ok... so I suppose there’s plenty on the cutting room floor that describes how completely certain Shi-Useless was that she’d be voted out... because she really went bonkers at the Magic Tree House ranting away about everybody else... and if there were any sympathy votes there for her... she lost ‘em with her speech.
Now... can I just say... WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE... oh wait... I’m talking about Tom, Jenna, Rupert. What do they think is going to happen? "Oh, Rob will dump Amba right before the end and then take me to the final two and the jury will pick my useless but-fucking-stupid ass to win the million." My god people...
The Magic Tree House
It’s the Shi-Ann show... She gets the microphone and practically stands up to engage the crowd... She goes off on everyone... to the point that when she pauses... Jeff steps in with "You get it all out?" – to which she replies "no..." and then blathers on some more. Most of her attitude is directed at Jenna... with loads of "food monitor" control freak stuff... um.. guess who Jenna voted for... it’s a done deal. Shi-Useless is finally tossed off the show she had no place being on in the first place. Good bye... good riddance.
~ Next week... while trying to have a private conversation ON A HUGE FREAKING ISLAND... Tom and Rupert manage to have their secret convo in a place where Rob can overhear... I mean, we can really rule out honorary degrees being handed out by any of the ivy league schools when this is all done.
~ Shi-Ann’s exit speech is a big long dig at Amber... I’m pretty well convinced that Amber is going to win.
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