Survivor VIII : The All Stars
News Flash: Boston Boy Bagged By Bug Bite
Wherein... domo-kun makes an appearance, along with Freddy Mercury and the gangs all gone Apocalypse Now on the little yellow girl. They take their best shot but Shi-Useless has other plans, so it's scramble scramble... who gets the big boot next.
(the show in as few words as possible!
"I don't know what you talk'en 'bout 'cause I am one pristine hunk o'honey... and you is nutten but trash. I'm black, I got nipples, and I is smmmmmart! huh? what chu mean .... ME? No .. nonono... well shhhit!"
It's (big surprise) another rainy day on the island of stupid people... Shi-Ann, assured of her immanent departure is taking whatever shots she can to work it and getting a hearty fuck-you from everybody. Reward shows up in the guise of an oversized mask... It's a nasty game of "what does the majority think?" that leaves Alicia sporting a pair of emotional shiners when the gang basically tells her she's full of herself and shit to boot. Rupert takes the prize and gets to distribute meals of descending quality, starting with his steak and shrimp platter and ending with a bowl of cold rice and water from camp... lovingly handed to Shi-Useless. Rupert gets to pound back nine cold ones and no doubt was the source of much litter on the editing room floor. Immunity is all about endurance and Shi-Ann is a rock... keeping her arm "up and motionless" for two and a half hours... and tasting as sweet a victory as ever there was, then they gang has to scramble to pick an alternate. Do they attempt to shore up a wider element of hope for a non-rob win? No.... they deliver the final blow to Ms. Waggly finger, and surprise the absolute fuck out of Alicia... she stumbles away with what's left of her shoes crammed in her mouth.
Most Memorable Moment
You mean besides when Alicia got chucked off the island? Well that would have to be this... one... moment... When they were indulging in the reward meal and Rupert was going at the "open bar" with gusto... He was about nine beers in the hole... he turns towards Tom and... I swear... he turned into DomoKun.
He Said, She Said.
"ugachacka ugahchunga ahhhhhh" (Tom, with a big dorky mask in front of his face)... basically... just a'talk'en like he always does. Actually, it was priceless..
Rupert (when plotting his menu distribution): "Shi-Anne gets the rice!"
Shi-Anne (when she's at the table): "Leave the Asian girl with the rice..."
Now that may sound like a racial thing... but they planned on Shi-Useless taking the walk of shame, so why feed her? And... AND she knows this... but can't help trying to play a race card... bad useless little yellow girl.
King Rob: "It's gonna be a beautiful day... we're gonna kick Shi-Ann's ass off..."
ah... the poorly forged plans of kings and wannabes.
Rob and Tom walk'en on the beech...
R: "here's the thing.. if Shi-Ann wins the immunity..." T: "it'd be a miracle...."
... without missing a beat.
"ah bludobida ubagdia and got potatoes and they was cold..." um, yeah, Tom.
Alicia (when Shi-Useless comes to see her about what alternative plans they are making before the immunity game): "Stop... no, I don't want to hear it.. We got a plan Shi-Ann and we're sticking to it..." uh huh...
Shi-Useless (but somewhat steady of hand): "HA... I got you!" as she nails immunity.
Alicia (as she starts to sweat): "Don't forget... you gotta come home with us..."
and... "don't get cocky"
WHAT? you fucking retched pathetic cunt! This from the walking nipple that recently said "I don't want to hear it..." If there was ever a moment for a player to say "fuck you" this would be it...
Shi-Useless (in her moment of glory, aside to the camera): "Stupid people, stooopid people, stupid players..."
And... the quotes I've been waiting for;
Amber: "Hell trust me even if I'm lying..."
then Rob: "Even dough I done trust er one hundred percent, I know she does..."
Big goofy masks formed to look a wee bit like each of the players, rest atop standards that are the targets of battering rams that are released by the third wrong answer, manifested by unceremonious hacks at supporting ropes. Everybody fills out a questionnaire and the compiled results are used to form and Q & A session with stuff like "who uses sex appeal as a weapon?", "who shouldn't be a survivor all star?", and "who is under the false impression that they are smart?" bwaahahahaha... As Jeff points out "everybody picked Amber... even Amber picked Amber" on the sex appeal question, but while Alicia ties with Shi-Ann for the "shouldn't be a survivor all star", she pretty much acts as though Shi-Ann is invisible so takes the insult to heart. Then she gets tagged as the one that "thinks she's smart" and the one, two punch is delivered. She's got a bitch on like you can't believe... "I don't want anybody to hug me." Rupert's is the last mask standing so reward is his. It takes the form of a glorious meal and endless drinks, but with a catch. He is presented with six other meals of descending quality, ending with a bowl of cold rice and a cup of water from camp. He has to decide who gets what... and gives each hierarchically selected player the power of choice, starting with King Rob and ending with pitiful Shi-Useless.
What a bunch of nasty little fuckers... and I know, I'm saying fuck a lot but ye gods.... they are being really nasty to She-Ann. I mean... cool... Shi-Ann is utterly without merit but I'm a television viewer... they are all in the game together and man ... they are nasty. The gang huddles together in the shelter talking trash about Shi-Ann, who is sitting alone on a rock... in the rain. They shun her efforts to work plot and tell her outright that she is fried. It's worth noting that these so called All Stars have let themselves live in the worst squalor of any Survivor crew to date. They can't keep a fire going for shit and their camp is total ass. (and don't talk to me about rain... a few paces back into the brush, a proper fire pit and a cook pot to preserve coals would do fine... but they are way way WAY too stupid.)
Rob shows up wearing the Immunity Necklace ... and I swear he looked just like Freddy Mercury!!
Raise your arm, while Jeff ties a cuff to your wrist... now don't move a freaking muscle. If you do, you will pull down a massive pail of water that leaves you soaking wet and with no chance at immunity. Shi-Ann is loaded for bear. She struck her pose and froze... solid. One look at her and you knew she wasn't going to budge. Amba soaked first, and the rest followed ... including Rob losing it as he bit at a bug that pestered his bad smack monkey self. It came down to Rupert versus Shi-Useless and after two hours and twenty four minutes, his quivering muscles leave him soaking and Shi-Ann dancing around with well earned joy and spite all rolled together. Alicia takes the time to be a nasty smelly little snatch (may her panty liner's dry onto her labia when she's hurrying to pee.... rrrrrrrrip!). She reacts to Shi-Ann's hard won reprieve from the Tree House with threats and attitude... which nicely foreshadows her sudden departure.
Survival, Darwin Style
When you stop playing... you stop playing. Alicia and her bitch attitude, shutting down on the game when Shi-Ann is the target just lines her up for a surprise kick in the ass. She should have been playing hard core on the results of the Reward game to make people laugh and feel better about being caught with their pants down. Instead she made them feel uncomfortable... and, of course, she was a total cunt to Shi-Ann. It's no wonder they tossed her.
The Magic Tree House
Jeff is all about fun at the tree house... earning a "What are you give'en 'em ideas for?" from Rob when he points out Robs power base... Just the fact that he feels the need to point this out speaks volumes about how dense these guys are. Jeff goes on to nail Jenna for rolling her eyes when Shi-Ann is talking. Shi-Ann calls everyone on their petty plots and nasty nasty ass attitudes and gloats with her kitchy necklace... and power to her... she earned it.
The votes go out... and they come back with a hearty heave ho to Alicia and her perpetually erect nipples. She was totally stunned and came out with "Well, somebody turned... I'm not sure who it is..." bwaahahahaha... blind like bat!
~ did you like the two "cams" they gave us? First one... the Ram Cam, as Shi-Ann’s mask is smashed, we get a battering ram's eye view. The other was the Beer Cam as Rupert set about transmografying into the Domo.
~ Next week... "She opens her mouth and I feel like I want to put a gun in mine..." This is Jenna talking about Shi-Useless. Wow..
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