Survivor VIII : The All Stars
Ok... Everybody Cry Now.
Wherein... Jeff tortures them for a bit with video moments from home... Sadly this means he plays videos for them, and does not actually beat them with video tapes, which would have added quite a bit of excitement. Alas... earwax. Cindy Lou Who shows up and shoves a heart up Boston Robs ass and he gets nice for a couple of seconds and Lex turned into a hearth brush. fun eh?
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Quick, replay the three second clip of Amber shaking her Thang, when they came up with the Caboga Mogo name last week. Ok... cool. Now ... the show.
Rob's ragg'en on Tom 'cause he may be lying about his alliance, and, you know... all the other alliances are soooo upstanding. Panama delivers totally miserable weather and it's a long, cold, wet, fireless night for the underfed white folk... and stay tuned on the white-folk thing. Shi-Useless begins to see her life as we all see it... wondering wtf she is doing on this island, and then it's time for another ultimate challenge. Reward and Immunity mix it up with a big ass obstacle race and puzzle deal... The prizes? Well, besides Immunity, there's letters from home, videos from home, rain ponchos, and, of course, hot chocolate (wtf?). Everybody gets a few seconds of video as a teaser, which translates into a healthy round of blubbering... putting them all in fine form for a tough competition. As per the videos from home thing, Tom's son is a clone, Rupert’s family is cute like candy, and Alicia? her mom is pure milk toast white bread. Eat yer heart out Grand Wiz, Alicia’s not really a black girl, she just waggles like one. For reasons that defy all attempts at logic, the teams for the obstacle course are big versus small... and, of course, small wins. Then - to make an even go of stacked odds - Rob wins the puzzle game and he's back on immunity row. We're in Hoo Ville as Rob grows a heart, and gives up his "video from home" in favour of letting the loser team get their letters and it's all about them leaking and sniffling. Kathy, and her ugly boobies, tries to shore up support for the pending vote and Shi-Useless takes on the role of editing-room distraction. They head off to the Tree House and we get to see Lex with a freak show of a mohawk. Jeff picks on Shi-Anne (I laugh) and then the votes kick in. We are rescued from any further torture in the form of Kathy and her pink spandex as she goes for the walk of shame... whining all the way.
Most Memorable Moment
It's a toss up between wanting to make jokes about Alicia's mom being white, Rupert’s family being so fucking cute you could just die (insert image of Jack from Will and Grace screaming "I could die") and Jeff saying "Shi-Anne? What are you doing in this game?"... like he just noticed her for the first time.
He Said, She Said.
Shi-Useless, asking the obvious: "what am I doing here?
Jeff (to Shi-Anne), echoing my exact thoughts: "What are you doing in this game?"
Shi-Anne (to self): "Why am I sweating all the time?"
Shi-Useless to camera: "It showed a strength of character in Rob that I didn't know was there..." and then she got on her knees and blew him... what? it could happen.
Rob: "ah done rememba da lass time ah feld emoshional ... eavvaHH. It waznt about stradigy... ok, id was about stradegy... but family is da most important ting... more importand than friends... or money... well... ok da money wood be good... bud...."
Rob Translator: "I've no idea what came over me... "
Buck (Tom's son on the video): "Hobabigtomdaimamissyoudogoodehdaanewelo
Tom, when Jeff asks him how’s he's feeling after seeing his sons video moment: "yeahba, ahm du moda yoda buck doba mugmobia... dagnubit."
Buck and Tom translator: ...C:\>system crash...
Rob: "Kathy an Shi-ann are puddin bad tots into Bigtom and Alicia's head." Well, besides Big Tom and Alicia sharing a head, those darn "bad tots" are all over the place...
Rob: (to camera while voting) "Kathy... wad? you dit'n't honestly tink I was gonna led you win?"
Rob Translator: bwaahahahahaha
Ok... so smash through this maze made of little branches (right up Big Tom and Rupert's ally..) climb a wall, belly crawl, and then do the movable plank thing between pedestals. Climb a big structure, dig up a flag, slide down a flying fox, get a key and do the “everybody-run” thing to the finish. Problem: two teams of four... Kathy, Tom, Jenna, and Rupert versus Rob, Amba, Alicia and Shi-Ann. Basically 775 lbs versus 400 lbs. I mean, it was a no-contest thing. They were playing for the chance to read their "Letter from home" and to get a poncho... big deal. However, the winning team also gets to compete for Immunity, while the losers... get squat. The Immunity winner gets to watch a video from home... but in anticipation of this, Jeff shows the gang a few seconds of each video. In contrast to Jenna's experience during Survivor 1, her family actually had their shit together and got her video in on time... (I can still remember laughing about that forever ago).
So the deal starts with everyone being tortured by the teaser video moments... and then the Smalls kicked the crap out of the Bigs. They made it look close but other than Tom and Rupert yanking Jenna up the wall thing like a rag doll, the Bigs had nothing going for them.
Then it was a Thai puzzle thing for Amber, Rob, Alicia and She-Useless. Now Amber had promise, until she got that far away Amba look in her eye, Shi-Ann is utterly without merit and Alicia just gets mad at stuff... so it was Robs to win. He does... an den... an den... it's his moment in the sun. He trades his chance to see a video from his brother for the opportunity to let the Bigs have their letters from home. Then Rob grew another head, pigs flew out of his ass, and Jeff pranced around naked. Ok ok ok... but Rob did do the big heart deal and Jeff bought into it. So he scored his points. They diminished, soon enough however, as the scurvy lot decided he was just working the game on their emotions. Whatever.
Camp Shit hole... provides nothing... their shelter is basically in a lagoon... the run off from the Rainy Season has washed away all trace of their fire and the weather is c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cold. Suckers.
Survival, Darwin Style
Despite his good will (the letters) Rob has sewn his ass cheeks together by being a power hungry smack monkey. Lex hates his guts and he's jury man number one. And, in classic Colby style, he can't see the forest for the trees... He will continue to try and win everything until the rest of them are so sick of his ass that they vote him out for spite. Unbelievably, unless he holds another Immunity necklace next week, he'll get voted before anyone wakes up to the fact that Alicia and She-Useless are still there.
The Magic Tree House
Jury dude struts in ... Lex, sporting a balls-out mohawk, looks like an avant-garde heart brush. The gang sits down and Jeff starts grilling them with some complicated questions... like "Shi-Ann... why are you in this game?" hahaha... Kathy is on the block and is lashing out... she comments that she's going to vote for the person that lied to her... and we cut to a shot of Amba rolling her eyes. Alicia manages to stay right where she's been all season... under the table and then they vote. It's another couple of votes for Amber but Kathy takes the hit. She's totally whiney in her exit speech.
~ it looks like they finally start picking on Rob next week and Alicia is just about out of her xanax.
~ have you noticed how they are absolutely ALWAYS scratching at their bug bites whenever they get a video moment talking to the camera. Man the bug bite stuff must suck....
[ click the banner below to link with the Survivor Update section of my web site ]