Survivor 8: The All Stars!!
The Amba Show
Wherein...the best efforts of Dom Jeff to mix things up results in nothing more than putting a little distance between Rob and his main squeeze. It’s all about watching the Seeds of Lord Robs implosion germinate and a couple of excuses to give the kids some food. Next thing you know they’ll all get to go to McDonalds and attend a complimentary couples counseling session. Oh... and Amber gets screwed... no really. Bwaahahahaha...
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Hi... My name is Amber... and I’ll be your hostess. Don’t pay any attention to my breasts... they just look big because the saline is the only fluid left in my body. Now then, lets review; Ma boy, Rob, Jenna, and I, like, stay in bed in the morning while Rupert The Fur and Tom of the Wandering Eye hack away at mother nature. But we did, eventually get up and there was some body paint in the mail box... so I wasted no time in drawing little circles and arrows all over my body... I even (giggle) painted up Rob... running my hands over his smooth, rippling flesh um... (drip drip drip). Then we skipped over to the Reward game... The M&Ms didn’t bother to paint themselves... because they’re the tribe that fun forgot. We all thought Uncle Jeff was going to merge us all together (then me and my monkey would get to eliminate everyone else and win the big money). Unfortunately it turned out to just be a big plot to separated me from my hunk-o-burn’en flesh and force me to stare at Lex’s tattoos for the rest of the game. The Mogo Mogo losers traded places with my boy and the rest of my tribe, so now I have to be the hostess at Camp Chapera and hang with those losers. It’s ok, though because I know My Rob will take care of me. We played this game of Survivor Trivia for Immunity on Day 24, and these morons managed to carry their losing streak over here to Camp Chapera. I figured I was all done because I’m the odd girl in this camp now, despite my exceptionally white teeth. However, Large-Walking-Penis... I mean, Rob, told Lex to take care of me and that if Lex did, he’d take care of him later in the game. And... AND you know what? That didn’t mean that he wanted Lex to bend me over a tree stump and show me those other tattoos... So I got on my knees to Kathy and offered to show her why Rob wanted me so bad... She didn’t let me do her, but she did agree to work with Lex and Shi-Ann to send Miss Horse Face packing. So I get to stay a few more days... weeeee...
Most Memorable Moment
Has to, unfortunately, be immediately after the tribes traded camps and we were forced to endure several consecutive seconds of a freakishly close up view of Mr. Ed ... er... I mean, Jerri brushing her teeth.
He said, she said...
"I can’t say ‘get your ass out of that shelter and get to work’... I can’t do it."
Dam right you can’t... Rupert’s busy thinking that just because he gets his moldy ass up at the but-crack of dawn to slave... what? Everybody should? Guys like that get fed to the crocs ... eventually.
Lex, when asked about not taking the bait and doing a little body painting... "My canvas if full." Ya’huh... His body art defies me, and my want to crack jokes about it...
"I feel like I’m the only one to get screwed..." um, k, this was Amber and it begs the question "did you mean before, when you were with Knob or after?"
Pardon? What? Are you speaking English?
Oh... it’s ok, let me translate... I speak idiot;
"Ah care abowd er..."
I care about her... no really... it has nothing to do with her boob job
"I dond cay abowd phewd, wadda, losen da camp... what agevaits me is day god my gerwl."
I don’t care about food, water, losing the camp.. what aggravates me is that they got my girl. I mean, I was this fucking close to getting in her pants... and then this shit happens... I’m telling you, Lex better keep his fucking hands off her or else... I mean... or else, man!
"it’s wicked hawd..."
I’m a total smack monkey...
"I put a A on ma awm.."
I painted a letter A on my arm, and later, I’m going to cry ... like... a lot.
Me... at my television, over and over again... "what the fuck are you keeping Shi-Ann for... what the hell are you thinking?"
Reward? Yeah... hahahaha I don’t think so!
They get body paint in the mail, and while Chapera paints themselves up good. Camp Moron refused to do anything, wondering what the BODY paint was for. So they all show up at reward... Chapera skipping in and Mogo Mogo walking like poll bearers... Jeff pairs them off into mixed tribe teams (Tom & Jerri – don’t say it, Lex and Rob, Kath and Alica, Rupert and Shi-Ann, and because Chapera has two more than M&M, Amber and Jenna). The twosies, go off to chit chat and have a nice little prepared lunch. They all figure it’s merge time... But Jeff has other plans. Clearly expecting to mix things up, he has them all toss their tribe buffs and one after another draw new ones from a ceramic jar. Even tribes will result and they will return to the camps keeping everything that each camp had... As it turns out, all that happened was that the Mogo Mogo tribe ended up at Chapera and the Chapera Tribe ended up at Mogo Mogo, with the SOLE exception of Amber. She stayed behind at Chapera with the now ex-mogo-mogo’s. hahahaha... Rob was totally burned. They all return to their camps to find another feast which includes wine and set about enjoying themselves. The new Chapera’s revel in their lovely comfy camp and stand around looking like they’re about to burst into a chorus of "What do you do about a problem like Maria... er... Amber...". Meanwhile, the ex-Chaperas are having a wake over at Camp Craptasitc. They got the exceptionally short end of the stick.
Immunity is an All The Survivor Games trivia contest. It ended up needing a tie-breaker. But the key points are not the game itself so much as the players. The new Chaperas, ne-mogo-mogo’ites, would have won except Mr. Ed did her usual "I’m right, don’t question me" thing... and, of course, was wrong. (Even though Kathy was questioning her... hahaha) They carry their losing streak with them to Camp Chapera. As the tribes are leaving Rob pushes over to Lex with "Take care of her man... and I’ll take care of you later..." Jeff even had to toss a "Lex, move it out..." to get them to stop plotting. Rob has "Denied" written over more of his body than Lex has tattoos yo!
Let’s hear it for Darwin!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I swear I cannot understand how the title "All Stars" managed to get handed to these guys. Rob and Amber have a power of two? Great... and in every game EVER they have had to work hard to break up power bases like that... but what do these guys do? When Lex, Kathy, Jerri, and Shi-Useless are faced with an Immunity Loss do they fry the outsider? Do they zap Amber and thereby render Rob a useless turd that will make plenty of anger-inspired-mistakes? No... The don’t even shove Shi-Useless out... they toss Mr. Ed. ??????? I mean, nobody in their right mind would vote for Jerri to win the money... so she’s a great choice to take to the end or close to it anyways... but no. They fry Jerri and they suck Robs cock like a bunch of ten dollar hookers in Times Square so he can get his hands on her when they merge. What complete morons. I mean, it’s not like I’m complaining.... I’d rather see Amber over Jerri any day of the week... but this is a game for a million dollars. Bah!
Ok... so Chapera is now Lex, Kathy, Jerri and Shi-Ann with Amber still there. So basically the giant losers ... with Amba. Give em a few days and Camp Luxury will be trashed. Oh, and Lex actually goes to Jerri to tell her she’s fucked. I don’t really understand that... but whatever.
Rupert, Alicia, Tom, Jenna and Boston Knob are now residing in Camp Sphincter. It was priceless watching them wander in to this camp and see what kind of a dump they’ve inherited... bwaahahahahaha... Oh, and watching Rob almost cry about missing Amber was enough to make me smash my television to pieces... well, ok, almost... :D
The Magic Tree House
Jeff actually works on them about how their loyalties are in question if they don’t fry Amber... which should be the tip off that she’s not going anywhere. Jerri refers to Amber as her Outback Sister *puke* (they were both on Team Ogakor in Survivor 2 (haha... and no, I didn’t remember that name. Go to the survivor web site at CBS.com and put a different number in the survivor url to see the previous survivor sites) Yeah... Sister... and Jerri wanted to ram her torch through Ambers heart when Jeff called her name for the Torch snuffing ceremony. Jerri walks and – I don’t know about your CBS affiliate, but ours actually cut off Mr. Ed’s exit speech mid sentence. (haha!)
~ The have got to merge soon... and when they do, Rob would have been far more likely to make mistakes if he was bristling with anger over the frying of Amber.
~ Next weeks preview shows Rob getting in hot water over some shit... and it’s none too soon. His head seems like it was going to explode with self importance at any moment.
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