Survivor 8: The All Stars!!
The Boston Knob Show
Wherein... Jerri continues to scare the crap out of me with that horse face of hers. Oh, Boston Rob plays "You got a little some’thin on your lip, let me lick it off" with Amba’ and Mogo Mogo are really getting close to holding the Biggest Losers In Survivor History trophy.
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Night vision video and Kathy basks in the duality of going from a ninety four foot luxury liner to the ass hole of the planet (aka Camp M&M). Daylight... day 19... and Ethan is confuzzeled. Big surprise there. He talks about his "Bond" with Lex and how he’s "hurting" and we all barf on our television sets. Jerri talks about what an evil horse-face she is... ok, I added the "horse-face" part... and then it’s tree mail. Everyone panics at the thought of losing someone to the other team, but it’s only a mission to select good-swag from one another’s camp to use as booty for a reward game. The game is a log rolling thing... they tell us it’s gonna be girl on girl and boy on boy action, then they go and put Ethan up against Rupert... so whatever. After several near death moments of pain, we are reminded that Alicia is about as useful as a penis on Clay Aiken. Mogo-Mogo remains the biggest losers ever and Boston Knob slips a little further into his god complex. Mogo lost their spear, grill and their food! hahaha... Night 20 on the island of depleted white people finds Amber and Rob sucking face. Rob has all the sincerity of a guy that just paid $20 for a lap dance... He goes on to temp fate with words of derision about Rupert the Spear and then shows Ruppee up by catching a bunch of fish – smart eh... get the big freaky guy mad at ya. Immunity is all about how totally spastic a bunch of underfed white folk with over whitened teeth are. Blow darts (Amber can’t blow – imagine the irony), spear chucking, and arrow shoot’en... and they perform like crack heads scooped up from the rehab center floor. A near miss wins over a shit load of actual misses and Mogo Mogo is once again heading for the Tree House. Lex introduces Ethan to the dark side and his sad puppy act cracks. Refusing to pay any attention to why their called "all stars" Ethan sees a vote to "off" him, and keep Jerri as some kind of ringing endorsement of Jerri’s quality. Doofus. Jeff rags on Shi-Useless a bit at the Tree House, then the votes toss SideShowBob off the island back to his Million from Survivor Africa.
Most Memorable Moment
Ok... not a whole lot of memorable anything in this epi, but the low camera angle on the reward challenge "Log Roll" gave us a moment of what appeared to be outstanding pain for Lex when he cracks his knee against the rolling log while he was busy falling off...
He said, she said...
"I feel like I’m being evil right now... and boy, it feels good." And you wondered if horses really could talk!
You know that guy you hated in high school... "This whole game is about Chapera kicking ass!" Yeah, well his name was Boston Knob.
When love blooms over empty stomachs, and flesh that drapes over tail bones like a house coat on a midget you gotta wonder...
Amber: "I was really only playing the game... but then I got caught up in the emotion of it..." Seeing the soft hand of fate lifting her on the wings of glory....
Rob: "... her ass is smoke’en!" bwaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Well, lets saving the smoking sphincters till ya get home ok?
Forgetting... as usual, that everybody goes home and watches the show before the big money grubbing finale, Rob decides to make fun of Rupert;
"... he thinks he’s aqua man of da ocean!"
"Now that we got the spear... we don’t need him any more..."
... and sadly... he’s absolutely right. Don’t ya just hate that... Boston Rob right about anything... just bugs the crap out of me.
"They think Jerri is more deserving of staying in this game!" What the God Fuck are you talking about you pathetic mop head? Ethan, with his back against the wall and his cock dangling in the hookers mouth... shields his eyes from the Policeman’s flashlight and gets all rabid dog like over Lex telling him his time has come. Fine... get mad... but why get stupid? Oh wait, you were always stupid... Nobody is saying Jerri is more deserving of anything... except maybe wearing a bridal... rather, that you are a threat and she’s dog meat. Sometimes I just want someone to cram their fingers into Ethan’s big stupid puppy dog eyes.
Jeff (in a lovely moment): "Shi-Anne? It must feel good to see someone else step up and take the heat off of you..." thereby saying out right to Shi-Useless that it’s all well and good to whine about Jerri fucking up the arrow thing... but hmmm... how was it for you to sit out and let her take the heat.
Glass bottles with notes are to be opened by a rep from each camp when that rep visits the other guy’s camp. Everybody panics thinking they’re gonna lose someone... so The M&M’s toss Kathy again, while Chapera draws straws... Jenna loses. However the note is only instructions to pick out three items of booty from the other guys camp to become the reward in a Log Rolling game. They gather for the game and Shi-Useless manages to put Miss Athleticism Alicia in the water twice. At this point all I can think about is that Alicia has contributed NOTHING in this game except her bitchy attitude. Chapera wins this game and takes the fishing spear, rice and grill-cooker-thing from the M&M’s. Note that Jenna, going to Camp Loser to get the swag brings them little treats (toilet paper, etc.) and then gives them back some rice... they (M&M) are truly pathetic.
The game is to blow darts, throw spears and shoot arrows at a target. Now keep in mind that both teams are peopled with absolute idiots... they can’t hit anything. Amber, in a surprising moment of irony, could barely blow the dart out of her blow gun. A couple of near misses end up qualifying the winners. Alicia (big surprise) sits out to even the numbers... so she maintains her grip on the "I’m totally without value" title. It should be noted that Jerri stepped up to the plate to do the one-on-one bow and arrow thing that anchored the game and she shot three perfectly HORRIBLE shots into nothing as she lost to Boston Knob. So her team scalped her and fed her shrieking flesh to the fishes... er... ok, they didn’t but ... that would have been fun.
Let’s hear it for Darwin!
I really don’t understand Rob... except that a walking penis must have a serious ego to start with... He is reveling in his position as the only person on his tribe that doesn’t need to concentrate when he walks. However, rubbing Rupert’s face in the notion that anyone can fish now that they have a spear has got to backfire on him.
Tom continues to jiggle, while Alicia continues to try and hide her uselessness in the shadow of her ridiculous attitude. Rob and Amber need a condom and Jenna and Rupert are just watching shit go down. Jenna does manage to appear as though, in another life, she was that little dog in the bugs bunny cartoon that jumped back and forth over the bull dog saying "what are we gonna do today Spike?"
Ethan’s number is up and Lex tells him so. (bwaahahahaha) Jerri is the target of the editors weekly effort at misdirection... and we continue to wonder how the hell Shi-useless was selected to be on this show. Apparently Lex feels he is a close friend (outside of this game) to Ethan and thinks he deserves to not be blindsided. Big mistake, in my opinion, but whatever. Ethan goes "angry white male" on Lex when he hears this... but not before trying to use is ridiculous puppy dog eyes and shaggy head to appeal to their friendship. Then it’s all about lashing out and trying to make Jerri a target.
The Magic Tree House
Well... I always liked Jeff... but I like him even more now. He gets things rolling at the "Get off my island" meeting and then asks Shi-Anne if it feels good to see someone else take all the risks... (as in Jerri stepping in to try and shoot the bow and arrows that landed them at this council meeting). I felt that was a nicely placed dig at Shi-Anne’s complete lack of a purpose on the planet. :D
The votes go down and Ethan is toast... finally.
~ It looks like they’re gonna mix up the tribes next week... and that Boston Knob will lose access to his bitch. Hahahaha...
~ I cannot get over how scary Jerri looks. Slap a bit in that mouth, pull a bridle over her head and dude... she’ll need a brush’en after a good run through the fields. Ya know?
[ click the banner below to link with the Survivor Update section of my web site ]