Survivor VIII : The All Stars
State Champion My Ass!
Wherein... the real game gets under way. Jerri gets to listen to the girls call her a bitch, Colby and Lex actually play Survivor and Boston Bone Head makes a pig and a fool of himself. So basically an average day.
Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!
Kathy and Shi-Anne extend their claws over Jerri's whining... and begin to plot her ouster. We swing into a challenge right away but it's a game with high stakes. Play for a winning team and get a trip on a yacht and several chances to make a disgusting pig of yourself... add to that the requirement of selecting a member of the Team Loser to join you and presto... ready made dissention. As if that's not enough... combine it with Immunity, so the losers go to the Magic Tree House sans one player. The game is a combo thing... endurance plus brains plus brawn...and back to endurance, which only marginally tips Mogo Mogo onto the scales and plays into the hands of the boys and girls with muscles and attitude at Chapera. Mogo Mogo gives them a run, but Chapera wins a nail biter. Ethan blames himself for a slow down with untying a knot but they didn't show us any of that (I'm guessing there was much cursing and eloquent descriptions of how Jeff's mom would look in chains). A ninety-four foot yacht... obviously rented from the local drug lords, takes Chapera on a fast food extravaganza. They picked Kathy, who is - btw - bawling about losing, to come along. This plays into plot land because she's a mover and shaker in Mogo Mogo but she manages to enjoy herself none-the-less. Her impression of Chapera is one of awe at how much fun they are having... a sharp contrast the freaking hell in the land of the M&M's.Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Ethan continues to wallow in self pity, and Jerri gets payback for suck'en the freckles off Lex's member last week (I love that phrase... can you tell?). Colby walks Ethan, Lex and Shi-Anne into his Machiavellian mind set with a bid to have a little Jerri kabob at the Tree House but Lex has other plans and sneaks in his own recipe for Deep Fried CheeseBoy. The editors try to keep us guessing but Colby's number is up and Lex just made himself a target. They end it before Kathy comes back from the 94 foot hard on, and we're teased with Boston Rob and Amber exchanging fluids and something about the boys drowning in their own testosterone.
He Said, She Said.
In the run up to the whole world having a hate on for Jerri (this weeks editorial slight of hand) we are served She-Useless and Kitty-Kathy at the get go with;
Shi-Anne: "She just bitches all day long" in a hush hush conspiratorial voice, and...
Kathy: (in her best Scarlet O'Hara) "I swear, that woman is suuuuch a bitch!"... while on the water no less (yo! sound travels on water like internet porn... free and easy).
"Salty, greasy, beautiful food!" This is Tom, on the yacht... however we're unsure of what he is referring to, in that Alicia is nearby.
"I'm a total loooooooser and exceptionally pathetic." er... ok, so Ethan actually said "I take full responsibility for this..." after losing the Big Challenge. Now he's looking a great deal like the bearded lady lately and talking like the kid that gets beat up every recess so... whatever.
"Shi-Anne annoys me as much as Jerri." ... Colby, in a moment of clarity, speaks for all of us, I'm sure.
and the best of all...
"I was state champion..." as Boston Bone Head steps up to a bit of ship-board turf with a driver to hit balls into the Caribbean Sea. His first swing? spins him around and he lands on his ass - literally. His second swing? Say goodbye to the driver... it goes further than the ball and becomes deep sea booty. Now what does this tell you about Boston Bone Head?
Most Memorable Moment
Had to be Boston Rob spinning like a top when he tries to show off his golfing prowess... that and hucking a driver into the deep blue sea effectively makes him look about as handy at golf as a glam rocker would be on a prim English fox hunt.
The Big Challenge
Reward and Immunity come together in a big ass game that Jeff was practically wetting himself over.
First, the game:
~ swim out, dive down, untie floating "puzzle pieces",
~ assemble big floating puzzle...
~ paddle puzzle (raft like thing) to shore...
~ send a runner to a big tree to cut a rope, untie a knot and return with more paddles
~ paddle back ... and cross the finish line.
The Prize? Winning team goes for a day trip on a big honking (94 foot) luxury Drug Lord Penix Compensation yacht and chow down. Then hit the shore for a scenic dessert and come back on the 94 foot hard-on... oh, and drink yer faces off. Plus... pick a member of the losing tribe to come along. AND!!! The losing tribe goes to The Magic Tree House to chuck someone out.
allllllrighti-then...
Mogo Mogo had it in spades when Chapera can't assemble the puzzle... there's that lack of a brain thing... however the Scarecrow (Rob) shows Ehan up at the "cut rope, untie knot" thing. They're neck and neck on the final leg, but Mog Mogo has no rhythm... and a broken paddle (hanks to Ethan busting one way back at "assemble the puzzle/boat" stage. They flounder and Chapera takes the prize. Kathy is actually bawling her eyes out... and Chapera picks her to accompany them. She blabs totally to the Chapera girls when the boys split off in a stunning display of forethought. Tom tries (and fails) to fish... "They caught more fish with a stick than I'm getting with a million dollar boat." Kathy is pained to see Clan Chapera whooping it up and enjoying themselves knowing full well she's returning to the house of utter depression at camp M&M.
Chapera
Tom, funny though he may be... is making me ill. He never misses a chance to jiggle his nutritionally depleted fat body around and sing songs best left back at the still with his brother, Uncle Buck. And I'm not even going into his comment about "missing my goats".
Mogo Mogo
We're talking The Passions Of Ethan... add a crown of thorns to him, and the imagery would have been complete when Ethan skulks back to camp carrying the tribe standard against his shoulder. He keeps telling everyone he's to blame for the loss making me really wonder what happened back at the tree when he couldn't untie that knot... he must have been in hysterics...
Colby figures he's got the gang by the short'n'curlies when he sorts out a four to one vote to fry Jerri... but Lex calls it with style by saying the only way to win this game is to play unexpected moves. So he packs in a vote to fry Colby. Great plan, wonderful execution but season after season, we see how the meek sneak up to steal the magic million... so I figure Lex's great game play will only net him a target at the merge.
Survival, Darwin Style
I'm pretty sure that if you spend all your time calling yourself a loser... let alone telling everyone else you're a loser... and you manage to break a paddle in a paddle race... well... walks like a duck, get shot like a duck Ethan.
The Magic Tree House
Jerri looks like she's having one long drawn out orgasm as they sit around the fire when Jeff gets them talking about how the strategy is to fry the biggest competition before the merge. Colby starts to sweat. Jerri and Lex are lock, as are Colby and Side Show Bob... so the swing vote lands with Shi-Anne, who casts her only useful moment in the ring with Lex and we get to see Colby go graciously. Jeff douses his flame and then Colby goes on to drip with homilies as he makes an exit speech from a Dr. Feel Good seminar.
Two things...
~ next week we're supposed to finally see Amber and Rob swapping malnourished, germ infested, fluids... yippeee...
~ Oh, and the "men" are supposed to have an argument... and all I can think is... "what men?"
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