Survivor 8: The All Stars!!
Wherein...Suzy Hawk is saved by the bell... the bell on top of a one arm bandit... which, according to Shi-ann, is a rather small and unimpressive arm at that. It’s the land of alliance building, red meat, and the inevitable assent of Boston Rob to God-Hood... or is that god-in-his-head-hood?
(the show in as few words as possible!
Kathy is playing... a serious game. Meanwhile Rob is basking in the glory of his own inflated ego. (or was that an Eggo?) and the sound of ticking can be heard form Susy Hawk as she chips away at mother earth to get iddy biddy snails... Miss What-Are-You-Doing-Here Shi-ann is getting her video moments as she lets her diss’en ‘tude extend to Colby and Jerri. The ticking noise is getting louder, with Hawk splayed out like a Cambodian prisoner of war circa 1964, on the beach wracked with tears as Alicia sits over her being all understanding. Never mind that details... Hawks a bitch and we all know this... now she’s a bitch with a 10 million dollar plan. Her other tribe mates are calling a spade a spade and Tom is actually joyful at the prospect of her self destruction. Alliances build as King Rob gathers his court, leaving Alicia, Tom and Hawk on the outside. Susie is percolating like a pot of thick black Turkish coffee. Over at Mogo Mogo, Jerri is busy figuratively sucking the freckles off Lex’s cock as she paints herself into his corner. Now more than two thirds of the way through this episode’s hour we get to the Reward Game. One would assume something is up, just by watching the clock. "What’s up" turns out to be every drip of spit in Suzy Hawk as she lays into Jeff talking as if Hatch tied her to bleacher and had her with a bowling pin... She’s gone mentally (or is she? Is that Pink Floyd playing in the background?) and then she’s gone physically. Game time is a test of patience and aim... all for food. It’s kabob time for Mogo Mogo thanks to Jenna’s lack of game for Chapera. Even Ethan’s quasi vegetarianism is out the window as the carnivores dive in. There’s no Magic Tree House and Boston Rob continues to play The Prince. His time will come.
Most Memorable Moment
You just know Suzy Hawk is falling apart... whether it is a mask she has decided to embrace in hopes of filling her deep pockets or if it’s some pathetically weak aspect of her tiny little brain... but she goes from making a game out of Hatch being a dick head in last weeks challenge to blathering about her faithfulness as a wife etc etc. etc... (until I’m ready to puke, btw). Then the last nail is hammered home when we see her splayed out on the beach ... arms and legs outstretched like she’s a new cast member of The Deer Hunter, bawling her eyes out. The phrase "If I found you dying of thirst in the desert I would not offer you a drink" comes to mind (and if you don’t know where that came from ... you can’t possible grok the depth of Suzy’s mania). Alicia is sitting over her and trying to be consoling. Bah!
He said, she said...
Rob, lord of the known and unknown universe or maybe just the inside of his punk ass head, comments on Rubert-The-Bushy’s fishing... "he can continue to feed me until it is determined that it is his time to go... and that will be decided by me." Ah yes... leadership and power... surprisingly similar to PAINTING A BIG TARGET ON HIS FACE.
Colby, on Lex’s fishing expedition: "This is not, as they say in Texas, his first Rodeo." K... I wanted to make fun of that quote but a) Colby is really playing a solid game, as is Lex and ... I kinda like that quote.
Hawk: "If Richard’s gone.... I’ll hug ‘em all." Um... well, no actually... what you’ll do is run away with dollar signs in your head you big big freak.
Hawk: "Every time I wake up I can feel Richard there..." and "why (sniff) did he have to touch me?" "I was sexually violated Jack!" oh for christ’s sake you freak! Either you are talking yourself into the right frame of mind for a big cash grab (see next quote) or all your years of truck driving and being the hard ass have had a surprisingly marginal impact on your ability to grow a spine. Look at yourself! ... oh, and yeah, the big fat naked gay guy aka the fat fag, is really going to run a sexually aggressive game on you. Sexual Assault is all about power and not about sex ... and you’re giving him all the fucking power you idiot. Go seek your millions in the court system. If you got what you deserved it would take the form of laughter as you drag your sorry ass and expensive lawyer out of the court room. You are a pathetic, greedy, angry and exceptionally stupid fucking cunt. I’m glad you’re gone.
Rupert: (in subtitles as he chats quietly in the dark) "she said I’m sueing that @#$% for ten million dollars!..."
Gather at the beach to play a game... and encounter Suzan Hawk’s master plan to leave the game. It comes on the heels of a tremendous amount of spittle flung at Jeff as she goes full bore into him about Hatch’s neekid self brushing past her on the balance beam game last week. She’s abso-freaking-lootly out of her head angry. Like that never happens... bwahahaha... I laugh at your perceived mistreatment and your abject sadness. She asks for an exit and CHECK THE VIDEO AVAILABLE AT www.cbs.com , I swear Jeff actually smirks as she tells him she wants out of the game.
So Jeff asks the rest of them what they want to do? Sit around and share a food based reward and talk deeply about what just happened or is it game on? Jenna pipes up with the warm fuzzy wanting to talk... she’s alone there. Everybody else is ready to play... so they play.
A basket atop a pole... a see-saw below it... a basket of food stuffs (like a bag of sugar) and the goal? Launch the food bits into the basket by using the see-saw as a catapult. Be the first team to get all yer stuff in the basket on top of the pole and you get... well the food you launched up to the basket, and a small platter of thickly appointed beef kabobs, and some cooking utensils. Jenna kinda blows it for Chapera by really not getting the idea of aiming... and while Chapera pulls from behind to make a wicked close race... Mogo Mogo nails it and they are seriously in the food.
Let’s hear it for Darwin!
So where’s that brain of yours Jerri? And enough with the chorus’s of "what brain?"... She’s sitting at camp and listing food products... an endless stream of yummi ideas ... that almost all include chocolate. This kinda drove EVERYONE mental the last time she played Survivor... now it’s driving her fellow M&M’s away from her too. D’oh...
Rob holds court with Amber – his personal bitch, Rupert and Jenna. They all swear allegiance to his ass and that leaves Tom, Alicia and Hawk on the outside. Hawk splits so that’s Alicia and the one guy she hates on the tribe as outsiders. Oh, and they do a little irreverent song and dance about "ding dong the witch is gone" over Hawk leaving and ol’Tom does a full on country bumpkin red-neck-at-the-still dance about it.
Colby and Lex are playing against Kathy in this game... everybody else is just window decorations. Jerri is ... well, she’s a bit of an idiot, and Ethan? Ethan sat on a rock and picked his feet while Lex took the new spear on a fishing expedition. Need I say more? Jerri comes to Lex and tells him she’s hitching her wagon to his horse and he gets a hug out of the deal. She practically hits the dirt at his feet to blow him when this goes down and Lex eats it up. We’ll see how far this takes her... I’m guessing nowhere.
The Magic Tree House
Again... No tribal council meeting this time. Jeff must be ready to spit bullets. :D
~ Jeff promises a new twist for next week and Jerri is apparently on the outs with her tribe... big surprise there.
~ What do you think? Do you really think what happened last week should be considered a sexual assault or the misguided actions of idiot adults playing a complex game for a MILLION DOLLARS? Hmmm?
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