Survivor VIII : The All Stars
The Urinator
Wherein... a fast moving faggot takes the prize, Cheese Boy flexes his power, The Boston Mangler takes out Side Show Bob and proves to be rather light on his feet. Meanwhile, three becomes two releasing Jerri from her unwilling servitude to the crazy ex-Pirate.
Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!
As if we're about to watch naked jello snuff wrestling with live ammo, we're warned of potentially offensive content when the show starts. Looking forward to Amber getting boned by Rob (which, sadly, never materializes) we dive right into the prep for the reward game. They get two big bundles of thick sticks - say it with me... "faggots", and are told to build a raft that can win a race and carry four bodies. Three very different rafts are built: from pontoon to ... well, basically just tossing the faggot into the water and climbing on - and yes, that's Richard's idea. (bwaahahahaha... I'm dying here!) They play for fishing gear and to avoid annihilation. Saboga is Salosers... and their tribe is split up between The Chaps and the M&M's. Mogo Mogo gets their third key... only to realize their mistake in not taking better care of their treasure chest... the rice is ruined. Tom, meanwhile, is still getting tanked on the booze from Chapera's treasure chest. Immunity is all about balancing and fighting. Believe me, Rupert could not have sucked more at this... although that has nothing to do with Hatch being a Naked balance beam boy. Boston Rob goes WWF in the fighting element, almost damaging Ethan. Chapera finds a trick to the game and wins hands down, but not before Richard puts his naked self between Kathy and Hawk. It was a tense moment, but thankfully neither of them tried to convert the fat fucker. Now it's Mogo Mogo on the make with Colby playing king and the girls making noises like their not too altogether happy with his crown. We are well distracted by the editors only to see Hatch finally go down in a ball of naked fire. Good riddance.
Most Memorable Moment
Amber? reading tree-mail in her bikini with the implants stuck to her ribs? Alicia with her nipples ready to cut glass? Alas, (earwax)... but no. The scene that sticks to the roof of my mouth like peanut butter is that total nut job Hatch... He gets naked half way through the immunity challenge like it's some kind of moment of high strategy and ends up on a little platform stuck between Kathy and Retch Queen Hawk. What does he do? He waggles baybee, he waggles. Kathy and the Retch both missed a golden opportunity to ram a fist into his throat and yank his cock directly off his fat body as he falls... No, seriously... If Kathy had shoved his naked, dumb-like-rock, ass off the beam what do you think would have happened? I bet you Jeff would have laughed and told Hatch "you play with fire you get burned..."
He Said, She Said.
"My reputation is hanging on this..." um... Rupert you have no reputation, and your boat lost... so ....
"It's got to carry 260 pounds of Hatch!"... this would be Cheese Boy discussing the boat building requirement of the faggot to carry the fag.
"Ok you guys, don't move... I gotta pee" ... "and so I pissed on the raft." Geezus Hawk... why didn't you just hike over and take a dump on it too... you retched retched beast. You are the freaking Urinator...
"It's soooo big!" well that's a milestone. The first time anyone's ever said that to a naked Hatch. Richard, naked as usual, sporting the latest in fashions fuzzy cock video, approaches camp carrying some big fish...
"Amber... Amber... look at that... NICE." an exact quote of Jeff watching Amber, bikini bottom clad, loosing her balance on the beam... The fact that he was staring at her crotch when her foot was above her head seems to have been a factor.
"Nobodies interested in that..." Um... Jeff again, regarding the naked fat guy as he tries to make a Hatch sammich between Hawk and Kathy... and clearly... nobody is interested whatsoever... except the censors who made them wear the "inappropriate content" warning at the beginning of the show.
Reward
Build a boat...
Here's a bundle of sticks to work with...
Two team mates paddle it out to three way points...
Pick up a passenger at the first two and a flag at the third.
Get back shore and all four of you cross the finish together.
Simple enough.
Rupert, desperate to stop being the hated one (lovely shelter you build there boyo), tries to go all out... And it's Gilligan’s Island time with the pontoon boat. As Jeff points out several times in the race, it looked great... but moved like a rock. d'oh. Saboga comes in dead last.
Chapera builds a fairly normal raft... square frame, lay the sticks across it, and according to Susan The Urinator Hawk, it has a head - She announces her need and proceeds to piss on the raft as she sits on it... They pull off second place.
Mogo Mogo takes a look at their faggots and the (kill me) fag declares... "they will float great just as they are." and the scene switches to a shot of Hatch Floating on a bundle of sticks in the lagoon. He was right... they floated great and the players could straddle the bundle like a canoe and get pretty good speed. They win with a big lead.
Now the twist... Besides the winner getting fish hooks and a fishing spear and another clue to the treasure chest key... the dead last team will be dissolved and it's members split between the other two tribes. M&M wins the race so they pick first, taking Ethan, and Jerri. Chapera gets Rupert and Jenna.
Immunity
It's time for the Full Contact Balance Beam - definitely not a demo sport for any Olympics in my lifetime. Run across a series of 4 foot high beams (with little platforms at the intersections and get a flag... then run back. First team with twenty flags wins. The catch? One of the beams is over water and if two opposing-team players meet at that beam, they play Little John versus Robin Hood. Slap some tights on Boston Rob and you've got your nimble Robin. He literally runs back and forth along the beams. As for little John, well take your pick... Richard comes to mind for obvious reasons... and then there's Rupert... but alas, he can't balance for shit so he's out. Ethan? Well maybe... did Robin beat the crap out of Little John in the legend? I think so... so that would work.
Chapera soon realizes that Rob is the Nadia Comaneci of the crowd so they start falling off on purpose to get it around to his turn again... and this strategy leads them to victory. However, we get to see Kathy, Colby and Ethan take hard spills off the fight’en bridge and then there was that quote from Jeff. When the game starts Amber manages to recover her balance after almost falling... this involved her counter balancing with her let... giving Jeff his serious perv moment. Or was that just me? hahaha... Chapera wins, sending Mogo Mogo on their first visit to the Tree House.
Chapera
Well they get idiot Rupert and a decidedly put off Jenna - who fancied herself a leader (??) at Saboga. Their video moments were all about either scaring the crap out of us by showing Jerri's face or Alicia and Hawk having a hate on for Tom... who manages to appear drunk every time they show him. Watch for a real shit storm with these three...
Saboga
Say good bye...
Mogo Mogo
The fishing derby is on but the naked guy takes the big prizes. Ethan, still acting like the desperate, pathetic, hero was soundly upstaged when he brought back a little fishy and Richard brings home moby dick. Hatch is all about Hatch and very full of piss and vinegar... We are even served the irony of him commenting that losing wouldn't be so bad because "there's lots of people we need to get rid of." ha! Colby guns for Hatch, gets Ethan and Lex to play but when they recruit Kathy they unwittingly touch off a girls revolt against Colby... which fizzles, btw. Cheese Boy get's his way today.
Survival, Darwin Style
So you get a big ass box, with three locks and clear instructions telling you to keep it dry and that it's a valuable treasure... then Jeff tells you it's full of rice... and what do you do? You let it get wet... Then when you find win your way to the last key, and open it up... more than half the rice is moldy? You IDIOTS. (Mogo Mogo)
You Nasty Little...
Really Susan... I mean, being a urinator is bad enough - although who among us?... but frigging announcing it? Do prep everyone for the sloshing nose wipes and farts too? You are like the person your read about that is caught on security video pissing in the company coffee pot when you don't get the last donut at morning break.
The Magic Tree House
They dub Hatch the Camp Cancer and all the metaphors follow suit. Jeff draws everyone into talking and they don't actually say anything... The editing was drawing us ever on towards confidence that Colby was going home. But Jeff put that to rest with ".. and the fifth survivor voted off is..."
Richard does this arm thing when Jeff snuffs his torch that was scarily like a request for a hug. You know that Far Side comic with the lady that's lost her little doggy when it is in fact stuck in her ass crack from being sat on... yeah, this came to mind and I had to turn away.
Two things...
~ do you watch for the symbolism in the wild life moments? Tonight had a great one with a close up of a sand crab just as Susan starts to talk...
~ the preview is a sputtering, finger pointing, loud talking froth factory, aka Susan Hawk, having at Jeff over something. Should be fun. I wonder if she spittles on him?
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