Survivor 8: The All Stars!!
Amity Island meets Gilligan’s Island.
Wherein... the witch turns into Action Gal, the gay naked guy bites a shark (and no, that’s not gay subculture speak for how Colby wants Richard to treat him), Ol’Black Beard digs a hole, Amber embraces her inner crew slut, someone calls it quits and Suzy Wretch Bag goes toe to toe with Farmer Tom. Yuppers... they don’t call ‘em the All Stars for nothing.
Forward: Ok... so let’s get this out of the way... Jenna M. gets her freak on wondering why she ever abandoned her mom to come to this bug infested hell hole and bails on the game to "rush to her mothers side" and he mom dies eight days later... Very deep and very sad.... And now? Yesterdays news... time to move on.
(the show in as few words as possible!
The race to be "alpha provider dude" is on... Ethan’s losing, the hairy crazy guy is wining. Naked gay dude is too... when he’s not being the Mighty Quint dealing with shark attacks. Although there’s not gonna be any harpooned yellow barrels bobbing up in the wake of this 18 INCH killer shark. Jeff and Home Depot hand over the tools and the gangs-of-panama have to build houses. Do it well, and Pablo the-house-wrecker will give you a good mark. Reward will be blankets, tarp, wine and a mat. Rupert’s in-ground pool doesn’t make the grade... Builder Boy Boston Rob’s does, with Colby’s tree house coming in second. Amber finds comfort in the Ambrosia and falls into the clutches of the producers plot and turns "total drunk Ho Biscuit". Meanwhile, Jenna M is wandering camp mogo mogo like the animated dead stick that she is and worrying about her mom. It’s kinda hard to embrace the depth of her emotional distress over leaving her mothers cancer-convalescent bedside when we get that news from her standing beside Richard while strikes a Fuzzy Video Penis Pose. All the usual suspects start moving towards outright war and Jeff wants to bring it to them in an Immunity Game but they’ve got a surprise for him. Jenna is bailing... yes, it’s because her mom is sick... and yes she’s overwhelmed with the need to go home... and I’m trying really hard to not make jokes... her mom did pass away like eight days after she got home. But as sad as that may be... this was an episode with a lot of good shit to laugh at. :D
Most Memorable Moment
Ok... Captain Quint gets an 18 inch long rock shark stuck to his arm... because... well, he’s the sort of an idiot that would hold a actual shark by the tail... and manages to kill it by beating it against a rock on shore - 30 minutes later, no doubt taking a lesson from dealing with all dogs people have sicked on him. Then, after it’s dead, he bites it...(like he’s put his face beside it’s mouth when it was alive!) so he can say "it bit me... so I bit it... see ... right there." He gives the shark to Kathy and then sits down to do the requisite sound bits for the show. Meanwhile... we got Gilligan (Kathy) doing a Jerry Lewis in the background of those sound bites... hammering away with the machete at the shark. It’s bouncing around and she’s just wailing away... Now that was true comedy. Whack whack whack whack whack...
He said, she said...
"Is it possible to call a gay man a stud?" Well gee Colby... I guess...
"I’ve reached my limit of giving my daily thanks to Richard..." Oh puke Colby. Next thing you know you’ll be holding his ears and shaking his head.
"Richard Hatch is a god! He bit a shark that bit him..." Ok Shi Anne... you know he bit that 18 inch shark after it was dead... right?
More from Shi-Anne: "He’s very impressive... maybe not impressive down there... but impressive in other ways." Bwaaahahahaa... Well, he’s playing the game... that’s for sure...
"She’s a hag from hell..." Word’em up homeslice... Ol’Tom’s calling Hawk as he sees her.
"How I made it through my life without Sue Hawk leading me by the hand is a mystery!" Yeah, Tom wears sarcasm well...
And Mrs. Happy? "I hope they don’t get jack out of doing this..." wohoo...way to be a team player Hawk (you retched beast!).
"That’s the story of my Survivor life... the big boys don’t let me play..." um, would you like some cheese with that Rob? Or maybe a tissue...
So they all get this big ol’box of tools emblazoned with the Home Depot logo’s and are told to build a new shelter. They’re going to be reviewed by an "actual Panamanian building contractor"... and the best pad gets the prize and clue number two to another key for the the big locked box of rice. Second place gets just the clue and Rupert’s team...er.. I mean, third place, gets... nothing. Boston Rob embraces the deal and Amber squirms around watching his muscles glisten. Colby and the Painted Pony build a tree house and Rupert? After arguing with Jerri who is totally getting into being Action Gal with a big work ethic, Rupert bullies everyone into letting him build a house dug half down into the BEACH... where he hits a giant tree root... and lemmi tell ya... for all his bitching about "I’ve been building houses for 20 years...." His idea sucked donkey balls and Jerri is about fit to be tied over it. After "Rutha", the contractor dude, picks the winners, they parachute drop the prize on the winners beach... revealing to us that Mogo Mogo can see Chapera’s beach from their camp (across the bay). Note: it was almost embarrassing to watch Rupert try to talk up this piece of shit house to Rutha.
So we get spurious quotes from Jenna about wanting to go home and Kathy comments several times on how Jenna has emotionally shut down... then she comes out with her story about leaving her convalescent (cancer) mom to come to the game. Add a little women’s intuition and she’s got her reason to go home... to say nothing about the fucking horrible horrendous sickening bug bites that everyone is covered with. The all show up for this Immunity game... Jeff gets the whale and it’s rider back and before the game he asks ‘em what’s up. Jenna immediately breaks down in tears and limps through her speech about going home. While Amber rushes to her with a hug, Alicia takes a moment to be a total bitch and deliver a scathing "I would never have even come here..." making it sound a lot like "you evil white devil... what did you leave your dying mother for?" Jeff asked at one point "It sounds like you have been receiving updates on her condition..." and then, I’m guessing, a great load of freaking out that landed on the editing room floor. Bottom line: she asks for an exit... he asks her to come to the Magic Tree House and she doesn’t want to... so he calls for a boat and she’s out. The show ends with a printed message about how her mom passed away 8 days after she arrive home. It doesn’t say whether or not she died from freight after seeing her daughters bug bites...
Let’s hear it for Darwin!
I really want to like Rob C... but he’s such a wanker. The reward deal gets under way, and he manages to appear the lazy dink* to everyone... especially Alicia (the rat bitch from hell) who now officially has it in for him. Once you have the waggling finger of death in your face... the game is pretty well over for you... lol!
Sings "It’s beginning to sound a lot like Christmas...." And that would be because all I can hear is my voice saying Ho Ho Ho Ho... as I regard the mildly drunk Amber practically climbing on Boston Rob, grabbing his shirt and shoving a quarter up his nose. He doesn’t start bucking ... but there’s always next week. Tom and Susan get all nasty with each other... but basically that’s just her being her nasty self and Tom looking for a wooden stake to finish her off with.
Ethan is in heaven as Jerri and Rupert go at one another over Rupert’s dumb-as-a-post idea of digging to make their new shelter... and Jenna L has some goofy feather stuck in her head... One can only guess that perhaps she’s plugging up an unfortunate trepanning accident.... Rupert is really crestfallen when his pathetic shelter is panned by the critic... he even runs out of the thing (he was "in" it... hahaha) when the prize-drop-plane flies past as though he was hoping the other teams maybe burned their houses down before the critic arrived? Notably... they don’t bring the cameras back to Saboga after this screamingly kick ass thunder storm the night before the almost-immunity challenge but I suspect Rupert had a nice little in-ground pool to play in the next morning.
These guys are having fun... Colby and Lex are just goofing around driven by obscene volumes of testosterone while Hatch continues to be the naked gay guy jumping up for all the good camera moments. Jenna makes her exit and Shi-Ann puts a comment on the size of Richards penis on television. Atta girl. :D Kathy? Jerry Lewis man... she’s gonna be pure comedy as the series wears on...
The Magic Tree House
~ poor Jeff... didn’t get to snuff anybodies torch this week.
~ I guess if you quit they let you just go home... I wonder who pays the air fare... because otherwise evicted players have to STAY until the end.
~ Next week we get to see Jerri crying and the Immunity Challenge that wasn’t this week gets played ... look for potentially serious injuries as the idiots run around with blind folds on.
* dink. When was the last time you used "dink" in a sentence?
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