Survivor 8: The All Stars!!
Wherein...we are subjected to necessary character development and non-too-subtle reminders of what we hated about these retreads the first time ‘round. Whiny voices, somewhat ridiculous bitches, and a fat naked fag. "My kingdom for a match..." but watch what you wish for... Richard may just pull one out of his ass.
(the show in as few words as possible!
Not being able to afford an actual seat on the helicopter, Jeff intro’s the show is performed riding the landing gear over the sunny tropical paradise of bugs and dirty water that is the bay of Panama. A bunch of hired Mercs escort our three teams of retreads to their respective islands where they are greeted with a machete and a cook pot and a map. While the enormity of their situation settles on the players with the nicest cars back in LA the cliché personality disorders come out to play. They argue about where to put their shelters, how to make fire, why Richard has to be naked all the time and who is gonna nail the pretty girls (as if!). The big deal is fire... because, you know, they’re all professional survivors and they didn’t manage to bone up on this one skill???? So no fire means dirty water. The Boston Boy is back and already fending off against the Wiggly Finger Girl in a shelter versus fire thing... because???? You couldn’t manage to do both with six people? Bah! There’s no reward game but Immunity is a race to not come in third. Dashing our hopes for new challenges they repeat the first challenge ever that leaves Team Saboga to cast out the first loser. With a quick hack and slash the writers cancel all those Doritos reward challenges and Tina falls out of the magic tree house.
Most Memorable Moment
You know how you see something and say to yourself... "this is gonna be good!" Well watching Susan Dumb-Like-Tree-Stump Hawk chug back three coconuts full of dirty, infested, poisonous water (before they find fire and boil it) was easily one of those moments. I’m personally hoping for Dysentery.
He said, she said...
"So I get the Bafoon tribe... clearly I’m the brains." STOP... there... it only took 18 seconds to want to see Boston Rob have his voice box ripped from his throat...
"Amber and I have an alliance, for obvious reasons...." Ahhh... I said "rip out his voice box!!!"
"What do I look like? Magellan?" Yeah... well if you mean [ :: like this :: ] then yeah...
"I wish I was twenty five but ... I’m .... Er... what was I talking about?" And then Rudy’s teeth shot out of his mouth...
"The girls are plotting honey..." GAG me with a spoon... Richard calls Cheese Boy "Honey" right out of the starting gate.
"Is he naked? Yup... Ewwwwww!!" Everyone who sees Richard...
"I was in Canada and drank water right from the lake... I’ve drank enough beaver poop in my life..." And don’t ya know, eh, all dem lakes in Canada is just brimming with beaver poop... eh Suzan? Or were you talking about your little experiment with those girls in Saskatoon?
Three teams... finally meet one another to play the first game of the series... if you don’t count selecting a place to build their shelter. Swim out and grab a torch... Swim back, snagging a raft and lighting various torches en route. First team to drag their sorry, thirsty asses up on the beach wins. Oh wait... so does the second team... It’s only the "show" position that gets to go to the magic tree house and kick someone out.
The Immunity Idol is this little whale riding statue that comes in two parts; the rider and the whale. Chapera unfortunately named "Bafoon Tribe" by Boston Rob takes the Rider and Mogo Mogo gets the whale. The almost photo finish left Saboga out of the winners circle by only moments, but their nads are in a vice.
Please note: "Thirsty Asses", "the show position" and "the rider and the whale" are all unfortunate coincidences and not actually intended to draw attention to Richard’s fat fag status as the naked ugly guy on Mogo Mogo.
Let’s hear it for Darwin!
"I could get a fire going in a heartbeat..." Ok... look, I dunno about you but Richard could maybe play things a bit better than refusing to do any work, being intentionally insulting and negative, naked at every chance, and calling Colby "honey". Of course, they could go all Lord Of The Flies on him and capitalize on all that "fattening up" he did before this series... there’s bound to be a few good meals in him.
Oh look... there’s Rob C, the boy with the soft skin on his right hand ducking for cover while Boston Rob gets into it with Alicia right off the bat. Of course, this is only after he makes an alliance with Amber-of-the-nice-bum. He must have struck out hitting on Susan Hawk, d’ya think? Because ol’Hawk girl looked resplendent in her black bikini... if you count looking like a fat pigeon "resplendent". Pigeon girl can’t hack the waiting for fire and boiled water so she plays a game of chug-a-lug with every germ in Panama. Tom sits back and waits for the kids to kill themselves off, and Amber? She’s got no input until she can jump around after winning the Immunity game. She needs a cheerleader uniform and a web site...
Ethan and Tina... aka. The two millionaires on a tribe of survivor losers. Well that’s how Jenna L is spinning it. Rudy is just looking like an old man and while I think he is the cats pajamas, he’s still 75 years old and he is going to keel the fuck over and die in this game... Jerry is making a show of wanting to hold her mouth closed but that’s gonna last about as long as the specter of Rupert being sane. Rudy asked Rupeee for an alliance and got it... now watch for Jerry to push all of Rupees buttons and get a nice little three way going with the old guys. As the losers of the Immunity Challenge, we get loads more exposure to this tribe than the other three... which translates into time spent watching the editors make us think Jenna’s plot to get rid of the "winners" will backfire and worry she’ll get fried at council.
Cheese boy... "I don’t trust any of ya..." is in hell. Richard wants him and everybody knows he’s a strong boy... so he needs to get an alliance quick. Shi Ann is too busy psychoanalyzing Richard to notice that nobody is talking to her while Kathy and Jenna can’t manage to hatch a plot without checking to see if Richard is playing with himself in the bushes beside them. Lex and Colby may just hit it off and form a strong power of two. (deep moment of analysis there...) Also a team without fire... one wonders if Kathy’s glasses could be used to focus sun light?
The Magic Tree House
So Saboga finds themselves holding blazing torches... which they have to extinguish, btw, because Jeff wont let ‘em take fire back to camp unless they come by it honestly. Poor Ethan and Tina (snicker) are totally brought into focus when Jeff asks Jenna point blank if she thinks they’re bigger targets for being winners? Jenna, of course, (talk talk talk ... no think think think) cops to that attitude straight up.
It’s two votes for Jenna and the rest for Tina... (therefore the cutting room floor is littered with Jenna’s plots about focusing on Tina versus Ethan) and with her goes all hope of Doritos product placements. Ethan’s number is up.
~ gah!!!! Please please please do not be boring!!!!!! Please. I mean... half the fun of a Survivor series is guessing about the characters playing the games and now? Now they are all known quantities...
~ Jenna M is going to quit... I mean... what the hell is she doing here... suffering for what?
[ click the banner below to link with the Survivor Update section of my web site ]