Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Survivor VII Update!!!

Survivor VII : Pearl Islands

Burton!!! You suck!

Wherein... holes are not only dug... and dug deeply... but the freaking idiots dive in and start to bury themselves... It’s a turning point episode and not a moment too soon, seeing as the whole banana ends this Sunday!

Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Well Sandra just doesn’t take being used very well... She gets back to camp after the surprise fry of Christa and plots to hide everything useful in the camp because she figures she’s next to go. Lillian sees the light but for gods sake woman... put on a grass skirt of something. The mighty testosterone duo think they’re golden and the gang all heads for Reward. This is the big one... a hard game and big reward. A trip to Old Panama with a surprise waiting for the winner. Burton nails it and takes his sex toy, er.. .JonJon, with him. Note-worthy is the notion that SANDRA HAS WON SHIT (lol). This puts the boys (and their egos) in one place and the girls in another. Now everybody knows you should never turn your back on a woman... let alone a hungry, angry and half-eaten-by-bugs woman... Well, everyone except Burton and JonJon. The girls plot... dum di dum. It’s a game of who can bullshit who and the girls carry it all the way through Immunity. This one was supposed to be a game of "who can get the water from here to there fastest" but it turned out to be a game of "who has the smallest hand" and Darrah wins it for three in a row! The game is carried to the Tribal Council where JonJon gets diarrhea of the mouth and the girls hack Burton to little pieces, piss on them, then feed ‘em to the local flesh eating fauna. Bu-Bye Barnie.

Most Memorable Pirate Moment
Ok... great show... great expulsion... fun competitions... lots of backstabbery*... and then? AND THEN Barnie-The-Skinny-Dino goes and makes his exit speech. Holy moly!!!! Somebody better bean him with a cast iron fry’en pan at the Jury Camp. After failing to orchestrate the ouster of Lillian with a carefully laid plan of backstabbing manipulation, Burton is tossed out on his Mister Kott’air ass... and he has the balls to call Lillian out on her vote, saying "I hope you can live with yourself! We had an alliance..." and then he says "...big as Texas!" You freaking hypocrite!!! You suck Burton. You suck, you suck, you suck, you suck!

Talk Like A Pirate
Lillian: "If they can screw her over... they can screw me over."
Well fucking duh!!! Day 34 here Lil... and you’re just getting this?

Lillian: "I think we oughtta think about Burton..." FINALLY.

Burton: "Jon and I have been running this game for the last 20 days..." I’m surprised he didn’t need the Heimlich maneuver after that...

JonJon: "I need you to swear on your kids..."
Sandra "I swear on my kids... that I’m gonna screw you and Burton." ROTFL.

"And Lil! She stuck her hand way down there... and it may be stuck!" This would be Jeff forgetting himself for a moment and ripping a page out of his past career narrating lesbian porn.

Sandra: "You don’t have to worry... I’ll write Lil’s name down all big as shit!" ... and I’ve got some land down in Florida for sale too...

JonJon: "All three of these girls are ass-dumb... they should be scrubbing floors!" oh man... Lets consider his Post Survivor dating potential for a minute. LOL.

Of course, this close to the end ... it’s time for a game called "Second Chances". The game borrows from previous hard games and strings ‘em together to make a nasty little number in need of untying knots, digging in the dirt for a key, making a "long stick" to retrieve another key and finishing a word puzzle. It was a race... but Burton nails it. His reward is a trip to Old Panama (a ruin city from a century ago) with a big meal in there somewhere. He gets to take someone and foolishly opts for JonJon. You would think he’d still have the game in mind... but noooooooooooooo he’s a dork.... He’s a rail skinny dork (btw). As the reward starts he discovers that it includes a new car! (insert Bob Barker voice) It’s a Chevy Envoy stocked with Camping supplies. Burton and JonJon snuggle up naked in the back and lick each others toes... er... well...

Camp Dead Snake
Man... Ok, the boys are away and the girls FINALLY start talking about the fact that they out-number the boys by ‘nuf to control the votes... why they didn’t realize this two weeks ago is beyond me... but I hasten to point out that they are three really dumb women. (well, I can’t help throwing a bone to Darrah... she’s got staying power, and may just be smart enough to be playing the "know when to shut up" game really well). Any ways, the girls discuss frying Burton and, if he wins Immunity, nailing JonJon. And then, for some weird reason, Lillian begins to freak out... she actually says "We get rid of JonJon and then HE’LL attack." WFT? Does she think he’s a rabid dog? Attack with what? His ONE vote? Bah... We got a close up of Lillian’s legs at one point and brother you gotta admit she has so many chunks chewed out of her by bugs that she’s prol’y lost weight from it. I think she’s suffering from a dementia brought on by the suffering of her body and her total lack of a brain.

Stand on a post out in the water.
Collect water in a canteen and pour it in a clear plastic tube.
This floats a bobber up with a key...
Use the key to unlock a plank.
Lower the plank, walk across (don’t fall) and do it again.
Get the flag at the end and carry it back to the start.
Seems pretty straight forward. Except the plastic tube is just about the right size for Darrah to ram her hand down to her elbow and grab that key. !!!!
Besides screaming FIX I was seriously cheering for Darrah. She just nails it with JonJon close on her heels. She gets immunity and flashes a smile that really spoke to the notion that she is a good looking woman. Drive yer car Burton...

Darwin loves Pirates
What the hell were they thinking... leaving the THREE girls behind while the TWO boys take off for a night of good eating... freaking idiots.

The Plank
Ok... so does anyone remember Welcome Back Mr. Kotter? ... because Burton looks mightily like a skinny version of Mr. Kotter! Jeff asks ‘em all questions about their lying, backstabbing, cheating ways... and JonJon just starts blowing shit out of his mouth at a mile a minute. He just digs that hole deeper and deeper. Sandra, btw, does not look like she’s been stranded on an island for 34 days... she looks pretty normal.
Alrighti... they cast their votes... Jeff reads the two votes for Lillian first and then bang, bang, bang... Burton is toast, and the girls have some serious big ass smiles going on. Hahaha... it was a priceless moment... only overshadowed by Burtons moronic exit speech. The boys back at the exit camp are singing... "Welcome baaaack... Your dreams were your ticket out."

Two things...
~ I say it’s Darrah and Sandra in the final two and that Darrah wins! You?

* "backstabbery"... lol... I like this word.

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