Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
Is that a cucumber, or are you just glad to see me?
Wherein... Sandra, may she develop several nasty yeast infections, is once again left agog at the results of the voting... and JonJon goes that extra mile to secure his place as the most despicable human to appear on this show. Oh, and Burton took off his white guy mask and, it turns out, he’s actually Barney the Big Stupid Purple Dinosaur.
Ps. There be shooty-goodness here. :D
(the show in as few words as possible!
Burton can kill cute little sting rays and let ‘em drown in the air... nice. And it’s direct to Reward – do not pass go – for a game of swim the water obstacle course. Sandra, about as useful as a genital wart, ensures that Lillian, JonJon and Darrah get the prize. Granny panties, Topless-D and Scum-boy get the royal treatment on a pamper-me reward trip while, back at camp, Barney (Burton) realizes he’s alone with the two women he’s lied to the most in the last 30 days. He has no fun... hahaha. Silk PJ’s and food till ya ralph don’t do much for Lillian’s bi-polar disorder and JonJon secures Darrah’s obedience. (barf!) Everybody gets back together and no one can separate the shit from the shine-ola as everybody seems to succumb to JonJon’s manipulation. Immunity is an add for the NRA that back-fires as the "never held a gun before" girl (Christa) almost wins it. Alas for in-need-of-posture training Christa, Darrah takes the shooty-goodness prize (Hi Kit). It’s back to the old "lead the viewers down the garden path time" again with Lillian look’en like she’s toast only to watch Christa take her hunched-self to the "see ya later" camera.
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
K... watching JonJon bust up laughing as he recounts his telling the girls that "one of her [granny] last wishes was that I win." Kinda sticks out here as memorable... although that could be because at that moment my television became covered in little sticky darts as I shot his smarmy little punk ass gay porn wanna-be face off.
Talk Like A Pirate
"Whenever I hear wet and water... that’s awful for me." Personally, I couldn’t agree more. Now shut up bitch.
First look at a mirror in 32 days... and Darrah’s first words are "I’ve lost sooo much weight!"... yeah, because, you know, when the show started ... you were just a porker.
Lillian in the Reward Pamper Zone: "They put cucumber slices on my eyes... I think I need a whole cucumber!" Okay!!! Too many jokes...
Christa: "But Darrah was a cheerleader... so she can really hang in there." Ok, again... Too many jokes!! Although, maybe that’s because I hear "cheerleader" and I think cum belching team spirit... but maybe that’s just me.
"I saw the light suddenly!" um... No Christa... didn’t.
"You’re a whole lot more smarter than me..." wow, Lillian, d’ya think? Geez, you could have been talking to a rock.
"one of her last wishes was that I win..." Word! JonJon you are going to burn in blazing hellfire for this.
"well I know Jon’s a liar, but he also tells the truth..." What? NO Darrah, he doesn’t... ever... EVER!
"Six days left in the game and five clearly skilled liars in it!" Atta boy Cap’n Jeff... tell it like it is.
Right... so they start by drawing straws (sort of) to set two teams and positions in the teams to play a water obstacle course thing. Darrah and Sandra kick it off with diving in to retrieve paddles. Never mind that Sandra’s first move is to wipe out and hurt herself (bwaahahaha) but she can’t untie the string holding the paddle for love or money (neither of which she has here yo!). Darrah takes a commanding lead and is joined by teammate Lillian going for paddle number two. Now it’s a toss up, do you look at Lillian’s white granny panties or the fuzzy video over Darrah’s bare chest? Got both paddles? Dive under and untie a few anchored barrels and head for shore to join JonJon and push a row boat into the water to paddle back to the start and claim the win. Meanwhile Christa is ready to head-thump a useless-like-ass-cheese Sandra going for paddle number two. LOL! Never mind that Darrah paddled the whole way out to the win from shore with her top down... They (JonJon, Darrah and Lil) win hands down, and a dejected Sandra returns to shore where Barney offers her a helping hand – and she BLOWS HIM OFF WITH A GESTURE... You skanky bitch!
The prize? Go directly to a boat headed for a plane that tours the islands (all the while with Lillian in her scout master top and panties... hahahaha) and lands them at a luxury remote hotel for some 5 star treatment including, massage, facial, silk pj’s, all you can eat al-la-cart yummies, showers, A MIRROR, comfy beds, and a killer breakfast. Notable moment: When faced with the menu of dinner options Lillian actually considers ordering Clams!!!! (Geezus!) Oh, and they are given the bathing suits from their long-ago forgotten luggage. Read: they went through their luggage. Betcha JonJon had a butt plug in there...
Lillian manages to go from being impressed with JonJon to going on a Hater episode over some crack he made about her farting at camp. Darrah is all played in by JonJon and his lies... d’oh.
Camp Dead Snake
Ok so Purple Dino Boy Burton can catch fish... good thing or the lot of them would starve. Pretty well all they do in camp is come up with excuses to walk away from camp so they can talk and plot... which is usually – for some godforsaken reason – just JonJon yanking everyone’s chains.
Everybody lines up... picks up a "modified musket" and they shoot flares at highly flammable flags with their names on them. Goal? Set your name on fire. First up is Christa and she holds the riffle like it’s a rolled up wet towel she doesn’t want to drip on her sleeves. She had never touched a firearm before. Her first shot? BANG ON. Then everyone else misses.. well, except for coolio-girl Darrah who goes on to win the immunity sword again. Go Go Darrah in her little yellow bikini top. :D
Face it... Darrah rocks... a tiny little wisp of a girl and she’s holding her own and then some.
Darwin loves Pirates
How the hell is Lillian still in this game? I mean... I can’t even imagine how she earned her knot badge in scout camp. She’s at a freaking resort hotel being pampered like a princess and has a chance to work some game with JonJon and Darrah and she decides to get pissy and go to bed? Am I wrong here? WTF is with her? Was she drunk ... again? Hahahaha... and she’s in charge of several dozen young boys back in CinCin huh. Gah!
Jeff asks ‘em "Does this game give you a license to lie?" and when Burton answers in the affirmative, the camera is on King Rupert rolling his eyes. I dunno... but at this stage I’m not liking Rupert at all. He’s just a tad bit shy of totally wacko. The kids all talk about how much lying is going on, yet they can all trust their own alliances. Lillian is thinking she’s gonna go, and Sandra is sure of it too... but that’s because Darrah played Sandra (hahaha good!) The votes go out and it’s Christa by a Panamanian mile... She was seriously used up by this game.
Oh, and when the votes do come down... there’s Sandra sitting with her eyes darting back and forth realizing she just knows absolutely nothing.
~ word is that Sandra wins... but that’s scuttlebutt... possibly a rumor started by Mark Burnett himself. Gah! I hope not.
~ next weeks preview has something about the "Girls getting fed up..." What? You gotta wait till it’s 3/2 girls/boys before they get fed up? It was 5/2 a week ago and you still let yourselves get walked over by the idiot boys. I mean, this is JonJon and Barney we’re talking about... how can you live with yourselves?
[ click the banner below to link with the Survivor Update section of my web site ]