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(audible Survivor VII Update up to the end of "Survive This" only, and my voice is a bit scratchy from the cold... sorry. :D)
Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
Sandra You Ignorant Slut
Wherein...the satellite phone link from Panama to New York burned with the sound of Jeff Probst begging and pleading with Mark Burnett to get JonJon’s Grandmother on the next plane to Panama STAT!!. Oh, and a hard core skank of a woman tears down any remaining shields blocking our view of her skankiness, and a clearly despicable excuse for a human being whips out the biggest "outplay" move evah!!
(the show in as few words as possible!
Lil’s got this hole in her forehead, Christa is questioning her own sanity, Sandra has a lump of coal for a heart and Burton is officially too big for his britches. All this within minutes of chucking King Rupert to the sharks. Burton goes after Christa for dumping out a bucket of fish. While guilty Sandra bites her tongue, Christa basically implodes with frustrated innocence. It’s "The Loved Ones" game for Reward... with husbands, wives, mothers and Ass Masters coming to Panama for a visit. Jeff has ‘em walk the plank in a game of "how well does your partner know you" but the game is shot as they all give it away to JonJon because he’s got them convinced his Granny passed away. The lying smudge of road kill wins and he gets to spend a night at Camp Dead Snake with his "friend" packing fudge and drinking tea (bags). Meanwhile, the rest of the gang suffer on a deserted beachhead with a machete and some wind proof matches. Immunity is a word game that Burton almost wins. Capt’n Jeff made a mistake - no doubt still flustered at Burnett not letting him fly JonJon’s Granny in for a surprise visit - but catches it just in time to land the MC Hammer Sword with Darrah. She wanders away singing "You can’t touch this" and we all learn to hate JonJon with a depth of passion hither-too unimagined. Plot wants to fry Strong Bad (Burton) but lunacy prevails and Tijuana takes the short walk to the crew’s trailer.
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
Ok... JonJon get’s the news that granny is pushing up the daisy’s and then the game begins... Sandra, having a complete hate on for JonJon pushes JonJon’s teabagger closer to the edge of the plank when she wins a point and JonJon immediately goes for the jugular with "hey... I just found out my grans dead and I have questions... but that wouldn’t matter to you!!!" all pissed off like at Sandra... Z and I were joking that granny prol’y died watching the show but Z was getting the notion that he was lying by the time the game started... and I mean... he’s got to have Himalayan sized testicles to be working it like that.
Talk Like A Pirate
"you’re riding on Rupert’s coat tails and guess what? That coat is gone!" JonJon going off on Sandra aka An Asshole talking to a Twat.
Jeff: "Mark, I’ll forgo my salary for the rest of the season if you’ll get his Granny out here before the tribal council meeting..." ok ok... didn’t happen but still... :D
JonJon: "How’s grandma?"
JonJon: "How’s grandma?"
BumBuddy: "wha??? Ohhhhh... *cough* Dude! She’s dead!"
JonJon: "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. snigger.... Waaaaaaaaaa" (little shit)
Darrah: "We’re gonna have a little talk when I get back!". K... boyfriend is in for a serious can of woop ass when she gets home... he didn’t know her fav food, pet name, best quality... nadda... nothing... splash (Him, falling off the plank)
"Jon, you don’t know how much we distrust you..." Sandra talking out of her ass again... because, as we find out, even she doesn’t know how much she distrusts him.
Camp Dead Snake
When the gang first returns from the "exit Lord Rupert" council, Sandra zooms in and dumps the bucket of fish in the forest in a fit of ... well, she’s a nasty cunt. But then she gets into it with JonJon for a bit and when the fish vacancy is noted Strong Bad Dork Burton gets evil on Christa as if there is no fucking doubt whatsoever that it was her that dumped the fish. She professes her innocence and it quickly gets seriously out of hand. She’s utterly devastated... the next-day-images of her are of a seriously puffy face girl. (she could use a few million cucumber circles!!) Sandra just lets it roll... while Christa is accused, flustered and ultimately shamed to the point of wanting to go home... Sandra just lets it go on. Never mind that Burton is on a holier than thou kick and deserves a good kick, Sandra deserves to have her nipples chewed off by rabid Dobermans. She and Christa were totally snagged by Rupert’s ouster and while Christa admits as much, Sandra has a hissy fit about being dumb... and then sabotages a food source for the team in her rage. Smooth move...
Now, evil skank wretch Sandra grabs Tijuana and they chase Burton and JonJon at night to listen in on their plots... T hears enough to be convinced and that sorts it for them to have Burton as front runner for the plank. Somehow, though, they forgot to communicate this to anyone else... dumb dumb dumb.
It’s the Loved Ones episode, and there is much blubbering and crying the second Jeff announces that the "loved ones" are here. Notables were Lillian’s goober who has the short stocky look down pat with a drill sergeant hair cut and Christa’s fiancé shows up to her literally choking on her own tears. Then JonJon’s "Friend" shows up... a goatee sporting boy who manages to be just about as painful to watch as JonJon. Everyone exchanges words but JonJon’s words from his buddy are "how’s grandma?" and "Dude, she’s dead." Just like that... no lead up... Obviously neither of these dorks have seen the movie Capricorn One. JonJon goes into immediate tear land. (little shit)
The game is to "walk the plank" in successive steps as you get answers wrong. The players sit around while their loved ones stand on the plank. The questions are like "What is your most common pet name?" If you match your partner, you get to tell one of the Loved Ones to take a step. Sandra is first off the mark and tells JonJon’s tea bag to take a step... and Jon throws a fit... then everyone gets the hint... and they screw around tossing each others loved ones over the edge in an order specifically chosen to leave JonJon with his bum buddy.
Curve Ball: Jeff hands the players a machete and some matches and tells him that JonJon gets camp Balboa while the rest of them have to go to some deserted beach and suffer the night alone. We don’t get any video time of the two of them at camp over night... although we do see their first few moments alone when JonJon compliments TeaBag on his acting and he cops to the whole lie. You gotta hand it to him ... it’s manipulation of the very highest order... but it sure makes me beg the gods for something to happen that reveals his duplicity to the others.
It’s a big word search game... This is total Left Hemisphere stuff... the girls were sure to nail it... and, in fact, they did but in Christa and Tijuana’s rush for the sword, they made dumb mistakes. One mistake... yer out. The game? They had a scrabble thing with the words "Survivor Pearl Islands" spelled out and they had to rearrange the letters to make 4 ten letter words, 6 six letter words... etc., etc. etc. Burton was next and Jeff announces him the winner. FREEZE. No, really... Z has me freeze and she’s going off hard about how you can see a spelling mistake in Strong Bad’s word search. He spelled Liaison with one "i". Now, being the consummate spelling champion that I am (bwaahahahahaha) I foolishly question it... and we press play again. Then ... bingo! Capt’n Jeff calls everyone back to point out his error. It’s a new game between the remaining players and they’re all girls. Darrah comes out on top and she gets the sword. Man oh man, it is looking bad for Burton. We even see Sandra talking plot to Christa – btw, Christa is squatting in the surf pissing as they talk... lovely.
Ya Blood Thirsty Curr
Just say’en... JonJon is an evil little snake... but that’s what the game is all about so whatever... but Sandra is just a nasty nasty nasty little cunt and I hope Christa puts her fist down Sandra’s throat and rips out her spleen when she finds out the truth.
Darwin loves Pirates
How in farking hell is it possible for Burton to not be GONE! I’ll tell you... Sandra is not only a nasty little twat... she’s unbelievably stupid as well. JonJon get’s her and Christa alone and "swears on his grandmother" (hahaha) that he has their backs... and convinces them to vote Tiajuana out. puke!!!
Sweet Heysus... You can see Jeff practically vibrating with an overwhelming need to blurt out that JonJon is lying through his freaking teeth... It’s killing him to hold his tongue. Jeff walks JonJon as close to the devils door as he can but JonJon is a consummate lying little shit and pulls this off like a common punk. They vote... and Burton gets a vote... it’s a big surprise for Tijuana and she’s history.
~ enquiring minds want to know... how many relatives of JonJon’s were on the phone to Granny when TeaBag said she was dead?
~ now all we can do is pray that one of the upcoming reward games includes a call from home over loud speakers... and that we get Granny on the PA for all to hear.
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