Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
Putt’en the Sting in Stingray.
Wherein... we can’t seem to avoid Lillian’s undergarments... and we learn the true meaning of fear as the editors subject us to Christa’s facial expressions while she tries to shoot a sling shot... She makes David Wilcox playing a guitar solo look positively normal.
(the show in as few words as possible!
Just enough Lillian to make ya wanna scream... with Cap’n Pep Talk Rupert bringing up the rear. Speaking of rears... Ryan begins the show feeling the impending pain of a swift kick in a departing heiny. Apollo, aka Burton, brings home a Stingray for dinner... and shows Rupert how fun it is to feel the electric buzz from said Ray. Food everywhere... and the Morons never had it so good. It’s a sling shot accuracy game for a Breakfast Of Champions reward. Rupert walks away with it, but not before we suffer another view of Jon-Jon and his freakish knee sox... Then Rupee freaking gives it to Apollo, who takes Granny Panties as a breakfast buddy. Of course, they talk - or should I say, Burton programs her like a TRS80. It’s all about how to fry Rupert... or so they say. Jon-Jon dives in with this plan... Then, after a lesbian porn moment of Sandra and Christa in the surf, the girls talk Deep-Fried-Rupert and carry that idea to Tijuana and Darrah. A whole lotta-lazy-good-for-nothing Moron moments lead to the general division among the hungry white people. They can call themselves the Dead Snakes all they want but it’s still the Drakes and the Morons. Immunity is a round robin of trivia questions and WTF (and I typed the W, T and the F with lots of gusto ok?) all the dork-meisters eliminate one another like they are quite literally afraid of Rupert. Of course, Cap’n Needs-His-Meds Rupert wins the Immunity Cutlass. Ryan is a-wash in the anticipation of an exit and rags off on Christa as he votes... while everyone else pushes his skinny ass over the edge. Ryan is Jury Dude number one!
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
Ok, so we never ever watch Survivor... we watch a tape... and take little breaks to grab coffee ... which means that there are several freeze frames as the "pause" button gets a work out. Towards the end of the episode, the camera is panning across Lillian as she rests in a shelter. Freeze! And what the freaking hell is she wearing? Remember, everyone was wearing outfits they selected for a press photo op moment when Cap’n Jeff hucked ‘em overboard. So Lillian was in her full Scout Master Regalia. The khaki shorts and crest emblazoned khaki shirt... but lo and behold, what have we here. The shirt is open to the between the boob button revealing ??? Something lacy and hot pink... sorta like if she had plus size ladies panties on but had pulled those bad boys up to her saggy muffins with all the gusto of the fat kid in Grade 3 giving Myron a wedgie. One wonders what she wears to the scout troop meetings... hmmm...
Talk Like A Pirate
"That’s one more challenge Jon cannot finish!"... and I’m sensing a little history there Jeff. What do you think Jeff fantasizes about?
"I think I might just fall asleep... just giving you a heads up." Wohoo... Tijuana is just a basket of raw energy.
She continues... "I think they work more than is necessary." and you MORONS were so well fed... No fark’ing wonder you were half dead when the merge hit.
"You cross me... I’ll kill you!" Way to not let the game go to your head there Rupert.
Lillian, dragging a tree along the beach, comments "now I know how Jesus felt." Yeah... well, not until someone nails you to a tree sugar.
"I didn’t like you before. I don’t like you now. You’re just a plain and simple bitch!" Come on Ryan... tell us how you really feel.
The Dead Snakes
Yeah, sure you’re one tribe... bah! The Morons continue to demonstrate why they had no food, lived like pigs and spent the afternoons counting each others bones... Meanwhile the Drakes scurry around, beavering to get wood, food, clean up and fix up. Hell, the Drakes can all go home from this show and try to get jobs as bus boys on a cruise ship. Oh wait... none of them are from Panama. Forget it...
Um...Christa. She’s wearing this little top that she obviously made out of other clothing remnants... but it’s a little baby blue puffy boob holder tank top. Just say’en ... cool that she actually doesn’t look like Tom Hanks half way through Castaway. Maybe she could steal one of Jon-Jon’s socks and make full length dresses for the rest of the girls out of it.
Rupert is still acting like he basically owns these guys. Thankfully he’s traded in his King Robes for ... well, a bow in his hair. (I’m guessing Christa had a hand in that... see’ing as he’s been her own personal Dress Up Barbi since the show began).
Grab a sling shot, line up in groups of three and shoot at these earthenware plates arranged on a target that will, when the plates break, do a Mouse Trap thing swinging burning torches around until they light off some black powder in a bucket at the top. Jon-Jon shoots a plate "out of order" and is immediately retired from the game. This is only significant in that it prompts Jeff to say "One more challenge that Jon cannot finish!" hahaha... man, Jeff so clearly likes Jon Jon about as much as I do :D Lillian almost wins... but Rupert seems to have ... well, done this before. So he nails it. However, seeing as he’s got about six months to go with the "living off his own fat" thing... he actually gives away the reward to Burton and tells him to take Lillian. I was hoping Rupert would have then used the time with them gone to plot their ouster but we didn’t see anything like that. We did, however, see Burton bang down a bottle of Champaign and the two of them chow hard core on pancakes, eggs, bacon, etc... clearly ensuring great ghastly rushes into the woods tomorrow for some groaning.
A trivia game to offset all the physical games... this one is one of those "everybody with the right answer tosses a vote to someone else." When the "someone else" gets five votes... they’re out of the game. For some reason, beyond understanding (according to what they edited INTO the show) nobody puts any votes on Rupert’s list so he wins... The best part of this was after Jon-Jon brings his vote to Sandra – who, btw, looks pretty well exactly like what a female foot soldier in Castro’s army would look like – she gives his back the finger... hahahaha... nobody likes Jon-Jon. :D
Darwin loves Pirates
Make no mistake... it’s a universal truth that lying around on yer ass all day while your team mates slave away is one sure fire way to ensure that said team mates will hate you. Is this really the game for people to foster hate towards themselves... How about "I’m going for firewood..." and having a snooze in the woods somewhere?
It’s a full vote for Ryan... with his vote going to Christa... and boy does he ever not like her. methinks he doth protest too much He must be in love with her. Jeff, of course, tries to get ‘em to fight... prompting them with questions about the nature of work distribution etc. Christa bites enough to go off about how the other girls sit around doing squat.
Ryan is the first member of the Jury and he went into that with a real bummer wrapped around his head... he’ll be vindictive!
~ next week is all about sharks, mutiny and Lillian crying... you know... an average day...
~ a peninsula is a finger of land surrounded by water on three sides... Panama, however is an Isthmus...
wohoo... learn something new every day!.
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