Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
Dawn of the Dead
Wherein... two dead players are dragged back from the open sea and injected back into the game... granny panties and all.
(the show in as few words as possible!
It’s the Zagnut Council meeting and Capt’n Jeff is all about having them pick two Zagnuts to return to the game. Everybody gets to do the "why me" thing... and then Lil and Burton are voted back. Lillian morphs into an angst ridden Sally Field and Burton... ever the eloquent man of words, babbles incomprehensively. Then, on a dark and wicked stormy night... they return in night-shot video to their respective little wet homes. Burton is Mr. Water Under the Bridge, while Sally-you-really-like-me-Field is a tad bit cynical. Equipped with their initial immunity, the show is then all about who to vote out. The Morons are so hungry it’s actually pathetic, and the Drakes are getting fat and hate’en Jon Jon – you know, like the rest of us. They head to a game and find themselves at a merge instead. It’s black buffs a new name and a cool immunity sword... Then a game that pushes the strongest to their limits and sets the stage for Andrew’s ouster. Lillian gets back to basics... basic granny panties... for the game and we’re all officially sorry they didn’t vote Michelle back in. She becomes a swing vote and after she plays all her cards (way too soon, IMHO) it’s time to head to the Plank and Andrew drags his skinny self down to the "see ya later" camera.
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
So Head-Like-A-Rock boy, Jon-Jon, goes into Tribal Council and sits there with his little "luck fingers" on each arm... and you know you’d pay good money to watch Jeff go at those digits with a pair of garden sheers... The votes are being counted and it’s one for Jon and one for Andrew... then two, three, four, and five for Drew. All the while Jon is wearing this somebody-smack-me grin and it’s growing ... but before the grin claims his whole face, he runs up four votes... The edited in each little moment of that shit eating grin fading from his face and I enjoyed every second of it. It was easily the most memorable moment for me. If only they voted him out... it would have been a perfect head fuck for him. Gah, Jon! may you be consumed by a sea beast.
Talk Like A Pirate
"There’s nothing I wont do to make sure that does not happen." Ok fine. But word, Burton... could you work a few more negatives into that?
"I am a nice person?" The moment angry Lillian becomes angsty Sally Fields.
Faced with no food in the cupboard, Andrew laments "I don’t know what we’re going to do...". Then he cries... ok, no, but shit boyo... um.. .hunt, fish, gather... you know Survive dork brain. Oh wait... this doesn’t matter to you. You’re chowing down at the crew buffet now...
Jon Jon "Mr. Savage... going down!" Well you finally got something right... but you are still a skanky little smack boy... so shut up.
Cap’n Morons Crew
Oh Lil is so damn happy to back at camp Moron, it’s just dripping out of her pants... hahahaha... oh gawd... she’s a piece of work. She looks like a classic case of someone that gets all worked up and finds there’s nothing to do with all that rage. She returns in the rain and everyone can see the chip on her shoulder soaking up the water.
The camp is in a shambles and the Morons themselves are earning their name in all ways. Lil puts on a meal comprised of the very last grains of rice they have and it’s about all they can do to sit up long enough to chew. Freaking losers. FISH... HUNT... GATHER... You’re humans aren’t you? Oh wait... you put a lawyer in charge! Serves you right. (sorry Glenn)
Cap’n Drakes Crew
And in the dark of a stormy night Burton returns. Everybody bull shits one another and they play the game of "water under the bridge". Yeah, right... (sings "who do you think you’re fool’en") With the dawn comes Lord God and King Rupert-The-Head - he’s shrunk so much that his head is getting freakishly big looking - to talk turkey with Burton. Wearing a piece of fabric like a Kings Cape (and looking decidedly idiotic, btw) Rupert basically tells Burton that he’s is everything and everyone he hated in high school... because, of course, the fat kid with a full beard in grade 9 got picked on. Rupert demurs and does all the necessary apologizing ... Remember, he’s the one that got voted off... and he’s sitting there apologizing to Rupert. They get around to the who's up for the "I hate you" moment and we finally get to hear Jon-Jon’s name thrown around. Christa is even in on the deal with "I say screw Jon" and that doesn’t at all mean do’en the nasty... thank god. They both make such strange faces to start with... their offspring would probably pop out as a blond Michael Jackson.
Reward? Ha! Immunity! MERGE
So everyone turns up on the beach for a reward game and Jeff relishes the suffering of Team Moron. He asks them how things are going... and they lie... all of them looking like the just crawled out of their own graves. Then he asks the Drakes... who go on to talk about having just consumed 13 lbs of fish, fruit and whatever. So Team Drake is well fed although their camp prol’y smells like a heard of dead elephants. Jeff, ever the one to enjoy messing with the players, pulls out a mitt full of black buffs and tells ‘em it’s Merge Time. There is much cheering. Especially from the death beds of Team Moron.
Fine... one big family now. They lose the Immunity Axe and get an Immunity Sword. The game is basically Jeff trying desperately to drown one of them and while we all cross our fingers that it’s Jon-Jon, we have to endure Lillian stripped out of her full "I’m A Scout Leader" regalia and low and behold she has not magically acquired a pair of jewel encrusted battle shorts... Nope... she’s still got the standard Issue JCPenny granny panties. They’re divided up into "heats" to go at this "swim under the dock and follow a rope" hold-yer-breath game and, of course, only the strong survive... although Darrah (officially my favourite player btw) gives it a good shot, it ends up between Rupee, Drew, Jon and Barton-Fink. Final round is five... count ‘em FIVE lengths of the dock in a row and, duh, Burton emerges to don the sword... backwards. I’m starting to see dollar signs in his eyes.
The Dead Snakes
Yeah, so being the collection of doorknobs that they are, they decide to name their new tribe after Rupert’s dead pet snake Balboa. Frankly I think they’re cracked... but whatever. They all return from the Immunity game to an original Buffet. (sorry, Friends Joke there) It’s a table decked out in meats, cheeses, fruits and nuts and, of course, wine. They rip into it... shit, they don’t even look like they saved any of the fruit. So, we can look forward to some footage of people puking next week.
Now it’s all about which Dead Snake to shoot out of the cannon tonight. Burton and Sally Fields are safe and one would have thought Jon-Jon would be slathering himself in moisture lotion in a trailer before the night ended... but Captain Dork Andrew lets his hunger replace brains and approaches Evil Lillian ... and actually calls her naïve... you know, to solidify her support of him. D’oh!!! They (Rupert and Burton) see Drew as a threat... obviously forgetting that he’s a lawyer... (hahaha... oh man, I’m going to die).
Darwin loves Pirates
Lillian ... wake up would ya. She’s all forlorn, disheveled and generally pathetic from the moment she returns to camp. She totally does not endear herself and as soon as they merge, she ends up the swing vote. Nobody likes a traitor and no one weeps by the grave of a double agent. Her numbers up. Unless, of course, the editors are way too happy to cut in moments in her granny panties...
Well it’s the first combined trip to The Plank. Barton, uselessly, gives the immunity sword to Rupert in some dumb ass gesture...(he should have handed it to Jon-Jon if they were all set to fry Andrew). So we have Lillian, Burton and Rupert immune. Andrew is toast in a 6/4 split, and thankfully the four others were for Jon. Everybody from here on out is a member of the Jury... which is sad because I really thought they’d lose Jon-Jon before now. If he wins the money... I will kill something.
~ ahh finally... we see in a preview the notion that Sandra is talking "Girls against the Boys" to Christa. Go that!!! and Jon-Jon is talking "lets get Rupert" to Burton... This boy simply has no sense of history. I hope we get to see Rupert lift him up by his nipples...
~ did you notice that they made no deal about which camp the merged tribe would occupy....
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