Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
Welcome to Demoralized Island
Wherein... the producers stick it to the two tribes in a most surprising and painful way. It’s a brand new game of "Spank The Pirates" with all the castaways coming back to play as a third tribe in the Pearl Islands. This was clearly Jeff’s "I got a surprise for you" wad and he’s got one hell of shit-eat’en grin on as he wipes himself off...
(the show in as few words as possible!
Camp Drake is all a buzz with the soothing sounds of a seriously ticked off Rupert The Rogue. Rupee blows several sinus cavities yelling his big freakish head off at Jon-Jon. Instead of removing Jon-Jon’s spleen through his nostrils... they kiss and make up. (damn) Team Moron, having never born witness to Rupee’s evil twin, wants him back, because they are collectively fucking useless... and hungry. Meanwhile, back at Camp Happy, skinny-gay-porno-boy is testing Shawn’s limits in another of their unending arguments over how country-club lazy Shawn is. Then it’s a brand new kind of Game. Capt’n Jeff sends both teams into a spiral of panic by introducing Team Zagnut (they call themselves "The Outcasts" but I like saying Zagnut, so... it’s Zagnut. Pffft) comprised of the six people with bloody knives stuck in their backs... yessiree... they are all back! (and pissed yo) Three teams now play "high stakes hurry up". Dig under cage fences and do the long stick thing to get the keys in a "free up your team mates" game that utterly demoralizes Team Drake and Camp Moron as the Zagnut’s slam ass and win a killa victory. Result? Everybody goes to the plank... Drake and Moron lose a player and the Zagnuts will vote two players back into the game!!! (but not till next week!) Shawn makes an exit and prol’y runs to a trailer to find a sweater he can tie around his neck. Then it’s Osten? Osten quits – telling Team Moron to vote him out – and Capt’n Jeff is absolutely beside himself. Jeff looked as though he be happy to put several grams of lead into Osten’s head... one slug at a time.
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
The sudden and complete dejection that the two teams feel when they see the people they chucked overboard coming back to compete... It was written in large bloody letters on their faces. Michelle, Lil, Burton, Ryan, Trish, and Nicole come running out of the jungle looking like classic henchmen from an old episode of Batman. Lil had a scowl on her face that looked so fake... and Nicole looked about ready to explode, but then she always looks that way. Michelle... wow. She’s all feisty, cute and talking nasty. However, all eyes are on Burton because he’s ... well the tallest. Don’t be fooled... they were losers before and some things don’t change. It’s a whole new game ... will one of these Zagnuts win the big money? Whatever happens, the Drakes and the Morons looked utterly dejected to see the new team.
Talk Like A Pirate
"I wanted to pop his neck like a chicken!" But sadly, Rupert held back and Jon-Jon still has a un-popped neck.
"You’re an asshole!" Jon-Jon holding back in his classy conversation with Dr. Lazy aka Shawn.
"Fuck you!" ... almost, but not quite, lost for words as Jon-Jon votes to fry his lover Shawn. (hahaha)
"Revenge baybeee... It’s all about revenge!" Yowch!!! Michelle brings her little booty back to base camp and... oh look... there’s a stick in her bum.
Ok, here’s what Jeff said: "With all due respect to Osten, people work too dam hard to get in this game and fight to stay alive! He wants to lay his torch down? So it shall be!"
Now let’s translate: (Screaming) "Holy Shit... did you see that! Osten you fucking pathetic, pretentious, piece of good for nothing shit! You want to quit you muthafuka? Thanks for nothing! Get the fuck off my island... don’t stop at the camera to record an exit speech! Just get out... go... loser! And may your Temple get scabies."
So they get tree mail that talks of locks and keys... so while they’re all figuring The Merge is around the corner, they head off to compete for, apparently, something sweet. This, it turns out, is the Immunity Game to end all games... Tribal Council was the night before and here, suddenly is another game with eviction hanging on the outcome. Both teams show up at a large bamboo cage thing and are introduced to the new team comprised of all the castaways. Apparently they have been kept on minimum rations all this time (but they’re spirits have to be way way up compared to the Drakes and Morons – I mean, they know they get to come back!). All three teams get placed in various parts of this cage thing and the game is the deal with digging under the fence to get in to the first cage, digging under the second fence and then freeing up more players from bonds of rope or by recovering a just-out-of-reach key. Drake does well and (no surprise) The Morons do not... but in the end, the Drakes "key retriever" stick breaks and the Zagnuts pull ahead to win the game... There is much jumping and shouting by the Zags but word! The Drakes and the Morons are utterly and completely demoralized by the loss... they know they will each now lose a player and some freak they thought they were rid of will be back to drive ‘em nuts.
Cap’n Drakes Crew
Ok so the show opens just after last weeks visit to The Plank and Rupert is right rip roaring pissed off yelling himself horse at Jon-Jon ... and trying to what? Make Jon feel guilty for casting his vote? Jon was played and Rupert knows it... so what was that big-ass show for. I mean, he went on and on and on. Jon’s ass actually shrunk as his sphincter scrunched up and sucked itself in under the relentless abuse from Rupert. Then...? In some strange classic Rupert way, he concedes to make a "new start" so we see them hug (if this was a snuff film, that would be the moment Rupert spins Jon’s head around). Gag!!! I have been getting the opinion from the CBS Early Show interviews with the evictee’s that Jon-Jon, despite being so completely repulsive in every possible way... is maybe liked by his fellow Drakes, so whatever. He still makes me want to hurl when I see him.
Jon-Jon goes on to have another great argument with Shawn. It’s Reward Challenge day and they are prepping to go but they stop cook a little coconut up first... and classic Shawn looks for an excuse to not do any work... which sits so well with little-Jon (hahaha). Shawn is close to murder and Jon continues to push ... but, alas (earwax) Shawn doesn’t snap and we don’t get the excitement of Jon being slain and Shawn being arrested...
Cap’n Morons Crew
What a bunch of freaking idiots... they simply cannot, in any way, fend for themselves... Hungry, whiney and wimpy... pretty well sums it up for them. Lead Council Andrew – the name Ninny keeps coming to mind – comments that they are exhausted by the action of "thinking about what they have to do to survive." Okidoki... so thinking about the work makes ya tired. Imagine what actually doing the work is gonna do to you... loser! Fish for gods sake...
See, generally, everybody votes to toss people out because they are a threat... I mean, sure... they tossed Nicole and Ryan S. because they felt they were too weenie but otherwise, the castaways are the strong ones that got zapped in a moment of weakness. Now they’re back. It was explained that their only actual deal is the compete in one game, and if they win they get to vote one of their number back into the game... a player that will have immunity next week to protect them for a cycle. They win against both teams... so it’s two people coming back!
Darwin and The Pirates
"Vote me out... I’m tired and I can’t give any more..." Meanwhile, tiny little Darrah, wasting away, is good to go and ready for action. Osten you leave me almost speechless. What a complete dork.
Ya Bloodthirsty Cur!
Dude! Did you see Rupert going at Jon-Jon... just screaming away... his head was so full of boiling blood, I’m surprised he didn’t get a nose bleed. I’m just say’en... Rupert may have been all cute at the beginning, but his medication is wearing off yo!
Yeah, so Drake comes to council first and we are wondering if it will be Shawn or Jon-Jon. They had a moment back at camp where the two boys were asked to ‘splain why the others should keep ‘em. They both blabbed on, but Shawn was played up by the editing so I figured it’d be Jon-Jon to stay and yeah... we’re stuck with his sickening self still. Shawn manages to toss a Tennis reference into this exit speech ("game, set, match...") and he is outta there... destined to sound self important in a country club somewhere soon.
Next up is the Morons who come in and, at Jeff’s prompting, give away the notion that Osten wants out. Jeff is flabbergasted! Seriously. He goes through the rest of the team asking them if they would ever consider quitting... Meanwhile, Osten keeps blaming his body for his exit... and Jeff goes to some length to point out that, "No Osten, it’s not your body!" It’s all his mental attitude and he has the attitude of a quitter and a loser. Okay, when Jeff calls Osten a quitter to his face... "You gotta think somewhere in the back of your mind that you are in fact a quitter!" You can just feel his emotions simmering... Jeff is just stunned. "In over a hundred tribal councils, I’ve never seen someone lay down their torch!" They don’t even vote... Jeff just polls the tribe and Osten is out! He does not get to record an exit speech... or, at least, we don’t see one.! What a fucking git...
~ Rupert has lost a considerable amount of weight... Maybe when they merge he can eat Darrah and gain one or two pounds back.
~ who, oh who will come back...???
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