Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

Survivor 7 Update!!!


Survivor VII : Pearl Islands


The Pelican Briefs




Wherein... we are reminded that Osten is the worlds biggest wanker. No contest! Did you know that Sandra is an Army girl? Yeah... hard to tell eh with that mouth of hers going all day. Sheesh. Andrew carries a big weight and cries about it. Osten caries a smaller weight and doesn’t cry... he just quits (of course). Oh, and a Pelican gets the hots for Osten.


(Note: This was first posted on October 31 in error... sorry about that... earlier comments are gone)

Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!
Drake is dealing with The Madness Of King Rupert. It starts with Rupee talking to his little cute pet snake... and then it dies. It’s time to rebuild the shelter, but Shawn would rather see if his pee can go farther than Jon-Jon’s. They have a glorious battle of words and Sandra - the shit disturber - enjoys every moment of it. Meanwhile The Morons watch Osten lose a battle of wits with a Pelican, have a good laugh, and begin to wonder just how nuts Mr. Phobia really is. It’s old fashioned cannon shoot’en for a massive meal in the Reward Game. Drake wins a close call and Jeff rubs a little salt on Team Moron. They send gay-porn-boy Jon to do the looting and he manages to wash his hair and pillage their cook pot, before spilling the beans about throwing a challenge. If that was to break their spirit... it backfired. It’s off to "Snapping Duck Bay" to play the Immunity Game and that is all about holding yer own. Christa, weird freckles and all, "out brawns" Osten, and Rupert does a fine strong man gig but in the end... the boys of Team Moron do a better job of it and Drake is going back to the plank. Outstanding alliance plot twists and turns walk Trish to the end of that plank and chuck her off. Why oh why is Jon-Jon still there?

Most Memorable Pirate Moment
So many of the "memorable moments" have to do with the facial expressions the Jeff is wearing this season. Jon-Jon gets most of the credit for the really good ones. During the Reward Game they all have to take turns trying to "aim" this big ass 100 year old cannon at these targets about 40 feet away on the beach. The players are calling their shots, and when Jon-Jon doesn’t, Jeff asks him which one he’s shooting at... and Jon replies "The orange one" referring to all of the targets as a group. It was another of Jon-Jon’s snot nose answers that he most likely thinks are terrifically funny. Jeff makes this face... I swear they had to edit out Jeff rushing Jon-Jon and trying to ram a cannon down his throat.

Talk Like A Pirate
"If you’re afraid of the jungle, afraid of the sea, afraid of birds... don’t even come out here!" Word!!! Ryan lay’en it down about Osten-the-underwhelming.

"I can’t believe I wrote Michelle’s name down... Should have been Shawn." Ok, I can see Rupert saying this... it’s the notion that he’s talk’en to his almost-dead pet snake at the time that sets off the alarm bells.

Jeff: "Which one are you shooting at?"
Jon-Jon: "The orange one..."
Editing room floor: Jeff kicking the snot out of Jon-Jon.

"I am very irritated with Shawn... I want him off my island and out of my adventure." The hallucinogenic properties of some mushrooms really have to be experienced to be properly understood.

Jon-Jon, as he votes; "Everybody has a price and everybody’s got to pay, because the million dollar man always gets his way." Bwaahahahaha... take that... and that... and this... and that... and that.

Reward
Two sets of targets in the water, colour coded to represent the Drakes and the Morons are all that stand between one team and a serious meal. I’m talking fresh lobsters, steaks, a grill and a selection of spices. The goal? Aim this old "pirate cannon" and shoot out all of your teams targets. It’s a close game but in the end... Drake stays ahead to win. Osten and Andrew, btw, manage clear misses adding nothing to their team’s effort. They (the Morons) are utterly dejected and you gotta love how much Jeff seems to enjoy telling them to pack up their tails get back to their camp. Rupert wakes Jon-Jon the next morning to do the pillaging. Team Moron expects him to take the shower (prol’y hoping he’d take the shower, I mean, they gave him shampoo and let him have a go) but he follows team orders and takes the cook pot. He then goes on to tell them about how the Drakes threw that challenge so they could dump Burton and this has the net effect of riling the Morons up. See Immunity for the impact.

Cap’n Drakes Crew
Rupert seems to be slipping a little into the delusion of his own greatness. His pet snake dies and he was close to tears. Shawn approaches him – with, btw, altogether low riding shorts... - and I was sooooo praying he’d make some snide comment. Rupert was well primed to commit some federal offenses. Alas (earwax)... Shawn was saving all his "stupid" for the teams decision to fix a problem with their shelter. He wants to basically watch versus actually work and Jon-Jon blows a skinny gasket at this... his voice goes up an octave and although he blustered with gusto, Shawn looked like he might just decide to pull one of Jon’s arms off and beat him with it, so Jon-Jon kept his distance. After the reward win, they all tuck into the steaks and lobster and spices like mad and, no doubt, spent the next morning hunched over and grunting up a storm in the woods around camp trying to process all that protein. Christa, possibly playing at some misguided psychological game plan, covers her face in bright red freckles that sorta look like bug bites... bites that vanish for their inevitable visit to tribal council. After the Drakes lose Immunity, the bunch of them drain off the last of their brains and get goofy with alliance plot things... Wow. I mean, Sandra, Rupert and Jon are just walking Shawn Haters but Trish comes in with the notion that Rupee is just too powerful. You know, wining all the competitions and feeding everyone aside hahahaha... She (Trish) solicits Sandra and Jon into her plot to fry "Rubert" [sic]. "Don’t tell Christa and let’s only tell Shawn at the last minute." Of course, little miss shit disturber Sandra runs over to tell Christa as soon as she can and then they tell Rupert. Yikes. Ok, so much for frying Shawn. Rupert, Christa and Shawn are down with nailing Trish. Now it’s all up to the voting. Shawn remains the swing vote.

Cap’n Morons Crew
That freaking Pelican... outstanding. I do not understand at all why they didn’t kill that bird on the spot and eat it... but to each his or her own. This pelican comes into camp after Ryan plays with it. Osten practically shits his boxers over the bird and, just for effect, the bird goes straight for him. I swear it was gonna peck his boxers right off him. :D Osten’ answer to aggressive behavior from the bird is to a) run away and then b) to stand near by sharpening his axe - like he’s intimidating the bird? Andrew, fresh from a childhood peppered with the school bully taking his lunch money, is looking at Osten with less than kind thoughts He comments that Osten is looking a bit psycho! His number is so completely up if Team Moron finds their way back to the plank. They lose Reward but win Immunity and promptly drop off the radar. :D

Immunity
Strong like bull... or weak like Osten? A long wooden rod across your shoulders with a 10 lb weight added to each side at regular intervals. Each team puts three load bearing players in the game and two do the loading. Rupert, Christa and Shawn face off against Osten, Andrew and Ryan. Dude!! Osten! His parents must be soooo proud (not!) He falls in a "toe to toe" weight race against Rupert... but Christa goes on to hold the weight he failed at... longer! She rocks and he is such a freaking little sticky panty liner... gah! Despite Rupert’s great strength and Christa surpassing weenie-boy-Osten, Andrew and Ryan are on a mission from god. They win. Jeff notices that Andrew is all tearing up after they win... and you may think it’s tears of joy, but it’s the tears one sheds immediately following the compacting of your spine into your ass.

Ya Bloodthrusty Cur!
Alright... I right rip roaring sick of Sandra. I’m betting she aspires to get in a cage match with every one of her previous employers... She comments on how nice it was to see Jon-Jon put Shawn in his place... but of course, she stands around saying nothing. Although she was all a tongue waging when Trish started in with the very real concern that Lord God King Rupert holds pretty well all the power. She sat and agreed to the deal with Trish then zooms over to Christa to stir the pot. She talks a lot that Sandra... she doesn’t actually do much ... but hey... talk is cheep. Dude... I’m just say’en, her husband must have a permanent scar on his chest from where she pokes him when she yells at him.

Darwin and the Pirates
Jon-Jon felt it ... finally. When he approached Shawn just before they went to the Plank, he was so sure of himself his penis was practically popping out his own throat – meanwhile Shawn is saying "you never know who is going to burn you...". Then Jon-Jon does his standard quotable Jon moment as he votes all up with his Mr. Millions... then S*L*A*M ... Rupert does not get shoved off the end of the plank. In fact, one of Rupert’s two votes goes off the plank... that leaves... er... one vote. Jon-Jon is furiously adding all this up and he will no doubt conclude any moment that he is going to need to find some lubricants really quick... because Rupert has a log or two back at Camp Drake that may want to get to know Jon-Jon a whole lot better. :D hahahahaha.

The Plank
So Cap’n Jeff puts Trish on the spot something fierce. She comes back with what amounts to lies in the eyes of Rupert and yet she still goes on to vote for "Rubert" hahaha... and yo, she really meant to write "Rubert". Sandra can’t resist opening her mouth and trying to fire off a few choice words because... well, because she’s Sandra the freaking drama queen. Rupert manages to hold back his tears as he laments the falling off of his tribe... (give me a break!!!). I swear all this power has gone to Rupee’s head and he is headed for a psychotic break from reality. The voters go out and come back with a resounding kill shot for Trish and her plot, and fortunately for those of us that enjoy the notion of Jon-Jon suffering... his vote for Rupert is obvious.

Two things...
~ The next big twist is on deck for next week... something about "Your past is coming back to haunt you." I’m going to hope for Michelle and Nicole to come back...
~ In maybe a sick kind of way... I’m hoping that Darrah gets pissed off at Osten and kicks him in the job-boxers. Now that would be fun.



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