Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
Nicely Done... Ya Freak!
Wherein... we see some seriously nasty nasty bug bites covering the players and it becomes painfully clear that this is Rupert-The-Black’s game. He is the dominator! Also clear, is the image of Osten as the freaking use-less-an-ator!!!!!. Dayhem but that boy is actually more useless than a broken bicycle rack.
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Shawn pulls his knife out of Burtons back, and begins to lick the blood as he tries to get on the good side of the power pack in a Rupert’less Camp Drake. Michelle, unable to get behind the suck-it-up game, is starting to panic. Rupert rules the roost at Camp Moron and the Drakes sell him short worrying. Only in death could Camp Moron move any slower, but with Rupee’s guidance, death is not an issue. Reward is all about de-nasty’ing yer-selves with grooming gear et al! Paddle, steer, swim, assemble and climb is the winning process. Alas (earwax) Jon-Jon is no Tom Sawyer and Rupert-the-unstoppable is with the Morons. Surprise, they win. Immunity is a classic eat-sick-stuff game and Michelle has a winning game plan for Drake... that she can’t stick to. Drake loses again and it’s time to fry up more than fish. Booty girl Michelle, fresh from an afternoon of barfing up last years Christmas dinner is bloodied and pan fried. See ya.
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
After a terrible showing at the Immunity game of drinking osterized sushi rejects (get it? Osten ... Get it!!! Wohoo! Finally got to say Osterized! Ok, I’ll stop... whatever :D), Michelle talks to lord-god-king-Rupert about not getting tossed. Her tummy and her panic get the better of her and off she dashes to the edge of the woods to barf, barf and barf some more. I mean, the camera is at her ass, which is well positioned in the air behind her as she holds her face down and heaves... back arch and all... laying down great gobs of bile leaden raw fish smoothie. What does Rupert do? He comes up beside her and plops down to continue the chit chat, commenting on his aggravation with Shawn, while she heeeeeeeeeaves! I dunno ‘bout you... but I was just laughing my ass off as she was spewing and he continued to talk to her like nothing was wrong.
Talk Like A Pirate
"I don’t really have a problem eating disgusting things... actually I don’t have any problem at all!" Well now... regardless of what this says about the extent of the training Michelle has had to reach this conclusion, apparently the only thing she can’t get down is her pride.
"I’m Johnny Fare Play." Oh geezus Christ on a stick... would somebody please boil this guy in oil already!!
"Nicely done... Ya freak!" Man, Cap’n Jeff has some real attitude this season huh. This was him addressing Christa after she hams it up after drinking her Immunity Challenge smoothie.
(to camera) "Well, she eats less than Shawn." Weighing the merits of keeping Michelle versus Shawn Rupert comments on her consumption as the camera plays over to he retching her guts out on the beach. Lovely.
Cap’n Drakes Crew
Yeah... so no Rupert and they hate Shawn so they put the little gay porno reject in charge? Wtf???? Hello Trish? Asset yerself already! Of course, they worry that Rupert is saying stuff he shouldn’t at Camp Moron... forgetting he’s the only one with a brain. Shawn, clearly away from any good source of soy for too long, continues to be no help at all... how endearing! Amazingly, no one kills Jon-Jon or punishes him for being alive, even though HE IS SO FREAKING OBNOXIOUS. Rupert comes back after Reward and gets ready to work his magic on the pillager. Andrew comes to Camp Drake to do the loot’en and heads for the rice. Rupert plays Drew like a Hollywood Ho working pay day specials at once scaring him silly and giving him the opportunity to look good. Drew (the idiot) only takes like a third of their rice... all that Rupert gives him and settles with a chance to look good in what will fail as a pre-merge strategy. Dude... Andrews’ law career is over bro.
The reward game was a multi discipline challenge... paddling, and steering a boat, diving down to get parts of ladder, hurrying back to shore to assemble the ladder and sending a runner inland to get a "golden idol". You win by being the first up the ladder with the idol. Whatever... it’s all moot because Jon was steering the Drake boat. That boy must love his hands... prol’y has a picture of his right hand in his wallet... but they cannot steer a boat worth shit. The Morons basically sit in their boat while Rupert powers through the challenge and the Drake boat is off on a tour of the bay. The Morons win hands down. They get a camp shower thing, water cans, a basket of fancy grooming gear to clean their nasty selves up with, their first treasure map clue and pillage’en rights. Rupert, given the choice of re-joining Drake asap or enjoying the Reward booty then returning to Drake shows game sense by heading for his homies. Given the amount of sweat he generates the Drakes will regret this.
Cap’n Morons Crew
What a bunch of lazy freaking wankers. Rupert sits back and watches while they debate the necessity of moving the shelter. He comments on their penchant for arguing about everything as the reason nothing gets done. And he’d be bang on with that observation. Osten is easily the worst of the lot. If he could just mate with Shawn over at Drake their offspring would be a piece of wood. He sat in the boat during the Reward challenge and actually did absolutely NOTHING! SFA, nadda! Ahhhhhhhh! Rupert fishes for them, directs traffic on moving the shelter, wins the Reward Challenge... he is totally their bitch for three days... After the Reward game, Rupert leaves and Andrew spends time convincing himself that Team Moron had anything to do with winning then goes back to being the sort of leader that gets shot by his own troops.
They get the idea that it’ll be a eat-gross game in their game invite. Drake formulates a plan framed on the notion that Michelle has no problem eating ... anything. She’ll act all "girly girl" and squeamish on her first go ‘round, then if the Morons get to pick a Drake for round two or whatever, they’ll put her in as a ringer. The game is to play this "sushi smoothie roulette" game that, depending on where the bouncing balls stop, has Jeff using a blender to mix up various raw gross seafood items... Blood Clams, Octopus, yuck. Somewhere in here Jon-Jon does this "Johnny Fare Play" ( arms crossed with peace signs) thing and an incredulous Jeff asks him what it’s all about... he blathers on without saying anything but does end up asking Darrah to kiss him before they start. Jeff, ripe for this shit, stops everything to ask Darrah if she didn’t have a boyfriend, what chance would Jon-Jon have for that kiss... and she wonderfully mumbles None! Damn straight! The players have to drink... But?? they’re all starving. They all drink and it ends up a tie breaker. I was hoping Jeff would pull out a jar of yak dung to mix up for the tie breaker but no... it was a speed drink’en deal and eating a raw sardine.
Well, Camp Drake had a super idea in their Michelle plan... right up until she hammers her gross smoothie down in two sips, wipes her maw, and burps like that guy at the bar beside Homer Simpson.... Brrrrraaaaaaaaaap! Wow. Nope. That plan is toast (and so is Michelle!) Sandra ends up breaking the tie for Drake and Darrah for the Morons. It was a remarkably close call but Darrah got the fish tail down first... Sandra would have won except that she kept (no really, and sorry for this) puking back up what she just drank into the glass and drinking it again. Three cycles... oh man it was freaking sickening.
Best Pirate Booty
Ok... this would easily be Michelle with her mini-skirt ass in the sky on the close camera shot except for the notion that we have to watch her puking her guts out too... However, when Camp Moron wins the grooming gear we do get this moment of Darrah taking a shower. Darrah is a good looking girl. The camera guys must have representatives from the Christian Right standing over them because they gave us the very bare minimum flesh while still looking like it was peek-a-boo time. They even fuzzed out the video of a split second that would have otherwise revealed butt crack. I mean, it really is pathetic that the shows been so seriously influenced that there is really no fleshy bits to speak of in the game. Hell, they even fuzzed over Jon-Jon’s finger when he uses it to show his displeasure with Michelle. Get a back bone.
Darwin Likes Pirates!
Ok, if Osten does not go soon I’m going start wondering about this whole Darwinism thing. That being said, the Darwin moment for this show has to be Michelle whacking down her sushi smoothie. Maybe they had it in for her before that and she knew it, but if they didn’t... for sure she was toast from that point forward. Personally, I don’t understand why they haven’t run Jon’s hairless scary wide nipples off the plank yet.
Yeah, so you gotta love Jeff and his utter disdain for Jon-Jon. He takes a little time at council to ask fucknutz (Jon) what the hell he was doing with the rudder on the boat. You know the editing room floor is littered with Jeff whacking Jon on the head ever time he walks past him... Any ways, Cap’n Jeff goes on to ask ‘em about throwing the competition last week and right after Michelle says "it’s all good" Rupert chimes in with "I told them it was the dumbest thing in the world" and he postures for a bit about tossing that game. The idea being that the win emboldened Camp Moron, who have since gone on to win three straight competitions. I still think losing that game was good play for Drake... It got the plot ball rolling. In a nice reminder that a lot happens in these camps that we never ever see... everyone votes Michelle off – All of them! She is looking mighty close to tears in her exit interview... although she said on "The Early Show" that she knew ahead of time that she was going, no question.
~ oh boy, we get to see Jon-Jon freak out again next week... looks like he goes toe to toe with Shawn over Shawn’s work ethic... "you do more work to not work than work!" and Rupert looks like he’s using his total control over the tribes... can you see the dollar signs in his eyes yet?
~ Rupert was savoring his sushi smoothie... everyone else drank theirs... When will they learn that this stuff is only truly gross to well fed people. Starve for 12 days... and you’ll drink just about anything... hell, even Osten drank his.
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