Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Survivor 7 Update!!!

Survivor VII : Pearl Islands

Are you loaded?

Wherein… a lesson is learned about how to treat the fat kid in high school, and why girls ought not to run toward the surf if they’re only wearing the tattered remnants of a t-shirt,... then again... Oh, and ps. Don’t store perishable foods in buried treasure chests - I mean, how dumb is that?

Survive This!
(the show in as few words as possible!
Andrew tries to hold back the ocean and Jon-Jon pops a few more face veins. Christa and Trish are in-the-game and want to vote someone out, while Barton and Shawn both stick their heads in Rupert’s mouth, laughing at him... and look where that got Roy! Reward is a puzzle game and the Morons are two busy saving Ostens drowning ass to win. Albatross! Drake gets to make clothes and they find their stinky, moldy treasure... but there's chocolate and hooch, so they're good to go. They send Trish to pillage a lamp while the Morons leader gets lost in the bush with Ryan. Alliance land is in full swing and Immunity is Drakes to lose. They do and for added fun, the winners - the Morons... first time evah! - get to steal Rupert. Barton cannot escape the reach of absent Rupert’s wrath and scoots his sorry self off the plank... while Jeff venomously regards Jon-Jon, the drunken vote caster.

Most Memorable Pirate Moment
Jeff, perhaps fresh from an unhappy love affair, has attitude tonight. Jon-Jon manages to arrive at The Plank with a buzz on from the booze in the Treasure Chest. Man, Jeff was seriously pissed. His first question to the assembled Drakes is to ask Jon if he's loaded! But he was literally dripping invective when, after Jon-Jon comments that his vote depends on some Astrological sign, he asks Jon "Is that a respectful way to treat someone ..." His words are only half of it... it's really the look on his face... like he's fantasizing about storing Jon-Jon in the bottom of an out-house when he's kicked out of the game.

Talk Like A Pirate
Cap'n Jeff, clearly not holding back... as Tijuana boogies to the beach in Reward land, popping the girls out of her skimpy nuth'en says "Tijuana! showing a little booty!"

"I've had more wet dreams about that treasure than any girl in Playboy!" So what Jon-Jon is trying to say is that he can actually get it up... and methinks he doth protest too much.

"I am the puppet master!"... hahaha ... Jon-Jon... there's one of these every season!

Rupee The Terrible: "It's just like high school... everyone picking on me." Ruh roh!

General Custer: "This is definitely the Blair Witch project!" ... yeah right... now go stand in a corner Andrew... I'll start with Ryan.

Darwin and the Pirates
Yo Barton... you freaking ignoramus... Ok, here's the plan... you know that huge mother? Rupert? The guy all the girls like? Yeah, him... so, what you do is point at him and laugh behind his back... and then make fun of him to his face. Cool huh? Really stupid people everywhere want to thank you for making them look soooooo smart.

Cap’n Morons Crew
Moses, a.k.a. Andrew-the-idiot, opens the show with a choice between moving the shelter and stemming the tides of the Caribbean Sean. He figures a log and a trench should be good. Next week? Camp Moron is swept out to sea, and then they chop Andrew up into little bitty pieces! Osten, you know... the strong guy they kept to win challenges almost drowns during the Reward game and the idiots save him! These guys are seriously hungry... Andrew and Ryan head off, over land, on a fishing adventure!!! and, of course, get lost.

Swim and dig for puzzle pieces and assemble. Osten, who won't wear his mask, tries to drink the ocean, and, unfortunately, Andrew and Ryan rescue his pathetic loser ass. The Morons try real hard but, of course, lose again. (affect Swedish accent) You feel sorry for the little lamp Morons, but that is because you are stupid... (end accent!). Drake gets a sewing machine, the rest of their treasure map and pillag'en rights. Shawn slams his nutz into the crusher by laughing at Rupert sewing a new skirt, and Christa is drenching her thighs over the sewing machine. A classy moment ensues when Trish (again with the girls doing the pillaging!) captures their lantern - versus their only cooking pot - for pirate booty.

Cap'n Drakes Crew
Camp Drake has Jon... what luck. Jon-Jon the Boy Band Reject is throwing another hissy fit about whatever, Trish finally speaks and Christa sets the tone for the show with a lament about not having the chance to get ride of anyone. Burton opens the door to his end game by laughing at Rupert’s skirt... to Rupert’s face, and Rupert is a donkey on the edge... yo. They nailed Reward and got a sewing machine, but more importantly, they get the rest of their treasure map. ka-ching! They’re hoping for cheeseburgers and new underpants! It's one stinky treasure with moldy food, booze and chocolate. Jon-Jon isn't impressed and calls the treasure moment a "ghetto christmas"... but he still manages to act like a crack head, and even gets drunk for Jeff's council meet! Burton tries to talk plot with Rupert while the girls sleep - and Rupert shows serious control while he acts like he doesn't actually want to cut off Burtons head and shit down his neck. They all agree to throw Immunity... half thinking they'll fry Christa and the other half gunning for Burton. It's Rupert, Sandra, Christa and Trish versus Burton, Michelle and Shawn... who think Jon-Jon is their boy... although, unlike Barton, he has 'nuf sense to be afraid of Rupert.

hmm... ok, everybody say "moooooot". Drake sits out Rupert, Burton and Trish in a physical challenge... There's a pattern of supported planks in deep water and the two teams have to face off, er, mano et mano as they say, crossing each plank - the loser is the first one wet. Players move over the pattern to reach their boat. First team, all in the boat, wins. Michelle all but leaps into Ostens arms, who unceremoniously hucks her into the drink. Tijuana, exceptionally bummed at not winning the sewing machine, is having serious trouble keeping her jiggly parts inside her skimpy nothing... so we actually get fuzzy video over her exposed ass cheeks. Drake totally loses and the Morons kinda look like they think they're earning a win. But wait! Cap'n Jeff has a twist up his sleeve. The winners get to "borrow" a player from the losers. Are you screaming "fix"? The Morons pick Rupert... who will now live with the Morons until after the next Reward Challenge... and will not be available to vote with the other Drakes at Tribal Council!!!

The Plank
So Burton has a late night chat with Rupert in an effort to ally for the ouster of Christa... an overture that Rupert plays along with. Burton, Michelle and Shawn figure they have the necessary four votes with Jon to pick who goes. When Rupert goes to the Morons to pull them out of the shitter, Christa starts to feel the weight of possible fry-time. That they show us this is a clear indicator of Christa's safety. After Jeff holds back from putting a bullet in Jon-Jon the votes go down and Drake drops it's first castaway. Burton goes decisively and even with Rupert away. Why? Because drunk-and-stupid voted with his fear of Rupert properly in place and - the big surprise - Shawn seals it for Burton with a back stabbing vote. I want to know what Shawn said as he voted!!!

Two things...
~ holy crap is Osten ever useless.
~ we really need to see Jon-Jon suffer... don't ya think?

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