Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
Hide Yer Pots
Wherein... a butt crack continues to be useless, and a useful scout continues to be a doofus. They get a pirate flag this week... so there’s gonna be a sea battle soon.
(the show in as few words as possible!)
Lillian's praying, Osten's exposing, Ryan’s gotta be gay, and Andrew still sucks as head boy. The Drakes are treasure hunting, although Sandra and Jon-Jon do a good old-married-couple-fighting skit. Osten sinks Reward so Drake walks with more goodies including a little Camp Monon pillaged booty. The Scout Master can't tie a knot and consequently, Team Moron has no fish hook... nor do they have immunity after Osten (funny how his name keeps coming up!) can't hold it against Hulk-O-Mania Rupert in an endurance/strength game. It's back to The Plank for some bitch slapping from an obviously disgusted Cap'n Probst and as they vie for the all around worst Survivor Tribe ever. They then push the only crew member with survival training, Lillian, off the end of the plank. At least we won’t have to see her in those granny panties again.
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
The Reward game had a definite moment of the Morgan crew getting ahead. However, when idiot boy Osten stands up at the end of his boat to try and out muscle Rupert (lol) he swamps his boat and sinks... I'm letting this occupy my "most memorable moment"... so I can keep the image of Jon-Jon arguing with Sandra out of my head.
Talk Like A Pirate
Cap'n Probst to Andrew: "As of now... you're one of the losing-est tribes ever!" What else is there to say?
"The person who goes... shouldn’t have any problem with it. It would be for the good of the tribe." OMG! Because, of course, everybody jumped off that boat "for the tribe". Andrew, the Leader-Headed-For-The-Cook-Pot, of Team Moron has a very naive perspective on how the players should feel when their number is up. Let’s see how he feels when they finally behead him.
Reward is a game of Battle Ships played out on four little dinghies in a watery inlet. Even teams, so Drake sits out Jon-Jon and Michelle, and then three crew per boat. Two on two, red versus blue and the winner is the last boat floating. Osten literally sinks his own boat and ol'Black Beard (Rupert) dispatches the other ship of morons for yet another Drake win. They get sleeping gear, another bit of the treasure map and, arrrrg... a pirate flag and more pillage'en in Camp Moron. Christy brings her magnificent overbite to Camp Moron and takes one of two cook pots, artfully hidden beside the fire with dirty clothes soaking in it. She softens the blow with a big hug.... ~barf~. (note: I liked that she had some trepidation at the notion of taking their only water pot... "how would they boil water?")
Cap’n Morons Crew
Tonight opens on Lillian praying for Ryan... the geeky, skinny boy that walked the plank last week. She should, however, be praying for herself, as Ryan is surely occupied lapping up some Panamanian luxury. Staying with Camp Moron, we get to pan pan the team and the camera settles on a decidedly crazy (as in The Shining kinda crazy) looking Darrah. Then it's over to a few moments of cheese as Mr. Quits, Osten’s, boxers continue to do a good job of covering the bottom of his ass. That boy must spend the first hour of each day praying to lose his morning wood! Head Boy Andrew seems to have made Osten his own personal
Cap’n Drakes Crew
Meanwhile, the crew at camp-happy-people, Camp Drake, are all about digging up their whole island in search of the hidden treasure. Yessiree, we can see how happy they are as Jon-Jon has it out with Sandra in an effort to gain a perceived strength position over her... she's having none of that and lets off with considerable invective and plenty of latin charm, you know, like pointing her finger, holding her hip and yelling "fuck" ... often. It's funny though because Jon-Jon looks like some almost naked kid from a gay kiddy porn movie and manages to maintain a look that says "I've thrown up on myself many times." He gets seriously bent at Sandra and little veins start popping all over his face... Their exchange must have been heaven to watch for the other Drakes.
As we run up to Immunity, Lillian firmly establishes herself as a waste of air by losing the last fish hook - although nobody mentions who lost the other two - by tying a crappie knot (and the irony is yummi... I mean she must have a knot badge). Darrah, up till now... completely invisible, emerges to scare us with her voice (er, but did you get a look at her lips? wow... beautiful). The game seems to be who should ya toss... Lips or Granny Panties? The question is anything but moot. Immunity is won in a test of brawn and Rupert-The-Terrible is an ox. Osten... pretty with his shinny pecks but ... no so much on the ox zone. The game? Put the smallest on a rope, suspended (again with the pulleys - it's some kind of theme this year) and anchor a rope with your strongest. Everyone else lines up on the rope but steps away in five minute intervals leaving Osten holding Darrah up and Rupert keeping Michelle up. For two hours plus this goes on! Every so often Cap'n Smack (Jeff) steps in with an idea or two to make it tougher... In the end... Darrah falls, and Osten once again reminds us that while his shorts may be lose fitting, being a walking butt crack is no help at all.
Darwin Loves Pirates
K... If the kids in Camp Moron don't eat Andrew soon they will all be lounging around in some Panamanian resort while the Drakes play out the game. He actually said that he thinks whoever gets the boot should go happily because that person will know it's for the good of the team. Ya right. Andrew, of course, owns several large bridges across the glorious United States and a wee bit of land in the Florida Keys no doubt.
Jeff puts them in their place pointing out that one more loss and they will be record holders. They talk all nice and underdog like but man... they suck. Darrah speaks up about something... and everyone jumps up and runs away at the sound of her voice... ok, not. But it could happen! Lillian, who earlier comments on the notion of losing votes to a pretty face, garners the lion’s share of the votes so she walks the plank... while Darrah’s pretty face looks on. This walk starts with Jeff not actually putting her torch out on his first try and then she gives a Tony Award winning speech about her scout troop (gag).
~ what's with sending the girls to do the pillage'en?
~ next week! The moment we’ve all been waiting for... Osten almost drowning! (it’s almost as fun as... well, Osten drowning.) Oh and somebody apparently makes a dork of themselves drunk at Council... I’m guessing Jon-Jon after his tribe finds the buried treasure and it includes booze... hence they must lose immunity. (all pure speculation)
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