Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
Get Yer Hands Off My Manly Spear
Wherein... some skinny guy named Ryan finds out he floats... and cannot sink worth shit. Boy Scouts get the crap scared out of them and Tijuana practically drops to her knees to keep Osten from leaving. Oh and that Sandra is evil.
(the show in as few words as possible!)
We open on two frozen little black people that don’t have enough sense to snuggle up and stay warm although Tijuana-the-popsicle has the doe eyes that are just screaming for Osten to jump her shivering bones. Ryan S., who looks to have died a couple of days ago, is feeling the pressure to "perform" on the next competition. Team Moron suffers while Team Drake burps and complains that they’ve too much to eat. Fuzzy-Rupey and Christa-the-mouth look cute like little buttons in their matching skirts, although her ass would prol’y fit inside his six times over. Rupert-the-dastardly is a bit Sybil with his teen-angst analyst one minute and freaky-cro-magnum-fisher dude the next. Reward lays the seeds of great adventure and the need for distemper shots. The winner gets clue number one-of-three to a buried treasure hidden on their islands ... and a shovel (with a key). Oh, and one crew member gets to go a’pillag’en on the other guys island. The game? Watch Ryan S. drown and wipe great gobs of snot off his face. One assumes Troop 617 had hither-to not been subjected to Lillian in her panties and scout top. This is no longer true. Cap’n Drake wins and it’s time for some pillag’en. Sandra, comfortable in a figurative eye patch and peg-leg heads to Camp Moron to take "one item". She takes their tarp, effectively downing their shelter and puts 7 pirates on to the notion of poking out one of her eyes or chewing off one of her legs... screw the "figurative" pirate crap. Osten, either a world class wimp or part of a "lets dull Lillian and Ryan senses" plot, is a little too concerned he’s going to get a pneumonia. Back in the land of Drake, Shawn is readying for death ‘cause he lost the spear tip. Rupey looks like he’s about to chew Shawn a new asshole but after finding his spear tip he says "teensy weensy"*. Rupert is way too possessive about the freaking spear. Immunity is a good game, pulling, untying, swimming, and digging and despite a glorious early lead, team Moron cannot untie a tiny little piece of string and blows it. Osten plays like he wants off, and Ryan is distracted enough to not see the hammer fall. It’s plank time for the skinny boy.
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
I dunno... but Rupert and Christa in matching skirts is the stuff of many haunted dreams.
Talk Like A Pirate
Jeff: "So Andrew... they sacrifice their leaders in some cultures." We can always count of Jeff to bring salt to the bleeders.
Sandra: "It felt good to be a pirate..." You honking bitch... she takes their tarp? Payback is around a corner wench. One look at camp Moron and Sandra knew they were miles behind. She could have scored a psychological point but instead played evil pirate.
"I’m the goober of the Morgan tribe." No Ryan... you are the dead guy on the Morgan tribe.
Rupert: "My spear is dead." Mmk... Add "manly" to that and we have a revelation.
"Where was it?" enquires Shawn after Rupert finds the spear tip...
"In the ocean" answers Captain Comeback. :D
Swim out, dive down, find stuff and dump it in the submerged chest. When yer done, all of ya swim out, get the chest and bring it back. Alrighty then. Ryan S., wearing the look of a Trainspotting’esque heroin addict, swims out, dives down, floats up, dives down, floats up, begins to cry, dives down, floats up, dives down, grabs a cup... swims to shore. Meanwhile Team NUMA (a’la Clive Cussler) is just about to bring the chest back to shore. Hahahaha... Yeah, the Morons lost huge! The new twist is this great deal with each team getting a shovel and a key. Their goal is to win reward and earn "clues" to the location of a buried treasure on their island... AND winning reward means you get to pillage. I’m betting the Pillage part will be a major part of this game en route to the merge. I think it was Michelle who quite rightly comments that she was glad Sandra was appointed Pirate to Pillage because the other guys are gonna hate her ass all the way to the merge and beyond.
Cap’n Drakes Crew
By all accounts... these guys should be the ones behind. Rupert is huge and clumsy and will prol’y injure himself soon. Jon and Shawn are pussies and Christa is still being permitted to speak (rats). But no... they are dramatically ahead, well fed, with a nicer bed and that is not supposed to rhyme! They have part one of their Treasure Map, so expect their Island to start looking like that peanuts cartoon strip when Linus is looking for his blanket after Snoopy buries it. Michelle, Trish and Burton are all but invisible...
Cap’n Morons Crew
So Lead Council Andrew doesn’t fool me... he spent high school with long hair, stoned, arms in the air yelling "Freebird" and never learned how to coach a team or be a leader. Hell, he’s a lawyer... not a leader. Camp Morgan is in disarray, dispirited, cold, hungry and generally suffering. Not the best pirates ever. Of course Osten walking around saying his body is giving out (between games of coconut ball on the beach) and that he wants to go home is a nice distraction for the team. They lost their tarp and two crew members... they have to pull out of this downward slide. Firing Andrew would be a start. I mean, they have a shovel... if he just turned up missing... Note that Darrah and Ryan O. are the invisible ones on Team Moron. I don’t think Darrah spoke a single syllable in this episode.
Tie up three crew members and put ‘em on a raft... Now, while they try to get free, the other team pulls their raft (via a rope&pulley deal) away from shore. Take too long to get free and wind up way out in the water. Once free, swim back with a "clue" from the raft that shows you (if you can open it) where to dig for a flag. Run the flag up the pole and yer immune. Well The Morons took an early lead but they couldn’t open the clue... they lose and they cried while they were doing it. Jeff shows no mercy as he tells ‘em to head back to camp.
Best Pirate Booty
Well, if Christa and Michelle would hurry up and get naked and frolic in the surf... we might get booty... but all we have now is Rupert’s skirt clad barrel and Sandra looking a lot like she just escaped from a women’s penitentiary. Osten, with his zero body fat lifestyle of muscles on his muscles will start to cramp soon... I’m expecting this to be humorous.
Ya Bloodthirsty Cur!
There are 78 young boy scouts back in Maine that are being haunted by the image of Lillian running into the surf wearing her scout master shirt and granny panties... How could she do that to them?
Pirate Probst does his level best to pull the Morons out of their fake happy and finds that they really are just a bunch of idiots. He calls Lead Council Andrew on being the worst leader since Idi Amin and tries to get Lillian to criticize the crew like they were her scout troop. She’s too smart for that and wont commit to anything because she knows she’s a target. Ryan-the-dead got scammed by Osten with his constant whining about wanting to go home... Ryan S. is fried up like so much bacon and walks that plank. (Avast!) It’ll be fun if Osten does get a pneumonia, maybe malaria too.
~ The invisible people should start coming out next week... so maybe Darrah will speak.
~ Rupert is too good to be true. Something will happen there... I just know it.
* pink panther cartoon reference... :D
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