Survivor VII : Pearl Islands
I Lied... Get Over It.
Wherein... a surely gang of cut-throat marketing execs (hell bent to flash bum cheeks), a cave man, various tarts, and assorted wannabes get wet and nasty as Pirate Probst chucks the lot of 'em into the salty waters surrounding the Pearl Islands in their fancy clothes. It’s down to business in a world of pirate booty, big lies and silk ties. While "young dumb and full of cum" may describe some o’the pirates, "evil overlords and the slaves that hate them" describes the rest.
(the show in as few words as possible! - and it was 90 mins!)
Cap’n Jeff sets the pace with the big lie... "lets get dolled up and do some press photos" which translated into "Nice suit... get the hell off my boat." Getting "nothing" translated into getting their running shoes and some money to equip themselves in a fishing village. However, "get off my boat" was bang-on as the well dressed players were tossed overboard. Two teams, Drake and The Morons, crawled out of the surf and swept through the markets of a little Spanish village in search of supplies. Drake took their time, bartered effectively and ripped off The Morons. They can all get on their knees anytime and lick Sandra’s Spanish speaking toes. Mostly they all get food... which is good, 'cause, you know, clothing just grows on the trees on these islands. The Morons pretty well did every possible wrong thing they could, including, but not limited to, letting Osten live to drive ‘em all nuts on their island. Soaking wet street clothes proved a grand source of eye candy especially when dresses were snipped up to make a mini skirt for Hagrid’s ugly little brother, Rupert-The-Dastardly. Everybody builds fires and shelters... with the Morons living up to their name in everything they do, including their pathetic failure to use the MAP in locating their watering hole. It’s humans versus the Bugs again (remember Thailand?) and everybody versus Osten’s butt crack. The Christian Right can calm down again as the immunity idol isn’t some voodoo doll but a cool-as-cakes "Black Axe & Skull" deal... and the first game for it is all about Little Rabbit Foo Foo running through the forest, scooping up the Naked Men and bonking them on the head! They had to drag this big ass canon through an obstacle course and the producers could be heard cheering as an actual photo finish marked the first challenge. Drake wins, and the Morons? They chucked their best pirate booty eye candy machine (Nicole) off the end of the plank for being a nasty little wench... ‘cause, you know... you can’t have too many of those on a pirate ship.
Most Memorable Pirate Moment
K... Osten, muscles on his muscles black-is-beautiful guy, sold all his clothes in the market except for a pair of fitted boxers. Get those wet and the whole "fitted" thing starts to become meaningless. His ass is like the plaintiff in the Kennedy Rape trial... endless source of fuzzy smudge video. Any hooo... his teammates, eager to show their asses on national television decide that if Osten’s shorts start coming off in the challenge they’ll doff theirs in sympathy. So far so good... we get three full on naked guys pulling that cannon around. The "memorable" part came with the play-by-play of who’s in the lead. We get little "Drake Leading" words on the screen... then, with the cameras on the many naked Moron ass-cheeks the screen reads "Morgan’s behind".
Talk Like A Pirate
"I go into freakout mode..." In non-tough guy talk, this is Osten say'en he's a panty waist. You name it... he's afraid of it.
"Everybody laughs at my jokes..." See... now here's where Jon has gone horribly wrong. Yo! clown-boy... they are so laughing at you. Tool.
"It's done. I'm wearing a dress. I'm never gonna put those pants back on!" And I'd like to see anybody argue with Rupert-The-Dastardly.
"And we didn't have to get naked!" The victory cry of Cap'n Drakes crew when they beat the naked Morons.
Cap’n Drakes Crew
Shawn, Christa, Rupert, Trish, Burton, Michelle, Jon and Sandra.
The teams are an even distribution of physical characteristics; the brawn, the cheese, the wimp, the monster, and candy... but Drake just happened to get all the brains too. They're in a tiny little fishing village... so, of course, they find the only lesbian shop keeper and practically trade Trish away for a bag of rice.Sandra speaks Spanish so the barter deal in the village goes well. She trades a 50$ necklace for an entire smorgasbord of food and cooking things... Meanwhile the missing link, Rupert, is trading a $100 pair of pumps for a lonely pineapple. Of course, he stole the shoes from the Morons booty in the first place so... go figure. After considered analysis of their total booty, The Drakes head to their island and set about building a worthy off-the-ground shelter and collect water from the well. You know... the stuff people with brains would do. Oh, and clown-boy Jon bartered for some hooch, so they all get tanked and he makes an ass of himself. Surprise.
Now lets go look at Team Moron.
Cap’n Morons Crew
Osten, Andrew, Darrah, Lillian, Nicole (sorta), Ryan O., Ryan S. and Tijuana.
Alright... right off the bat, you have Ta-wan-ya! right... what's a cubit? and two Ryans? great. Captain Morgan’s namesake crew is well and truly team Moron.
These guys are the classic "madly off in all directions" gang. They leave their stuff unprotected (hence Rupert and his pirate booty) and zoom all over the place without a word to one another. In a fit of misguided urgency, they zoom off for their island... no planning... nothing. Osten goes Mr. Organization on them, which is a far cry from the Mr. Pimp thing he pulls at the village telling the girls to flash their titties at the old men??? whatttthefuckwasthat?? They make a shelter on the sand under a loose shale ridge... are attacked by hermit crabs... and I'm talking up Nicole’s shorts kind of "attacked", and it takes 'em two days to realize their maps shows 'em where to find water.
Drag the huge ass ancient cannon around... and Rupert is a freaking OX. Drake had the early lead and almost lost when they got bogged down in loose sand but pulled in for the win literally a few feet ahead of the Morons. That however, was beside the point. Nope... the real point was the assortment of man-cheeks that made an appearance. Osten, and his video fuzz butt crack becomes separated from his boxers so Andrew (what's brown and white and looks good on an attorney? a pit bull) and Ryan O yank off their pants to ... what? Make him more comfortable? dude... Butt-Crack-boy needs no help in feeling comfortable with his ass on display. Yeah, so this happens early on and the race carries through with fuzzy video and girls doing that mental measuring tape thang! Ryan S kept his boney little ass under wraps.
Best Pirate Booty
Well now... Nicole, braless in her tube dress, presents the skank persona right off the mark but before we can get her bent over a slab at the camp, she goes Teen Girl Squad trying to fry Tee-ya-juan-a! Gets called on it... and she's toast. Boy Booty is well attended in the play of the immunity challenge and now we're just waiting to get the few vid moments of the rest of 'em before their bones start poking out through gangrenous flesh.
Ya Blood-thirsty Cur!
Off the boat they go, fancy clothes and all, chasing bundles of their running shoes that Pirate Probst just tossed overboard. They get these little floaty rafts to help 'em make it to shore and then they change shoes from prada to nike. Dig? yeah, well the Morons leave their raft, full of the prada footwear unattended and Rupert-The-Dastardly earns his handle by pillaging their "booty". Way to pirate bro!
I'm old, wear adult diapers and hang out with 189 twelve year old boys... I'll get voted off... thinks Scoutmaster Lillian.
I'm a ridiculous wimp and way too cerebral for these guys... I'll get booted off... ponders Ryan S.
I didn't wear a bra... it's cool. And Nicole watches the votes roll in.
Jeff's in heaven and the Morons are going to die out here.
~ when Jon and his freaky ringlets hairdo starts wearing his skaterboy hat I'm going to puke on the television.
~ I have no idea who will win... but I'll be sick to death of Christa's voice by next Friday.
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