Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

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a few words about The Amazing Race...

The Amazing Race
Ok... I’ve thought it through, thoroughly (and please join me in dancing the dance of wide-wonder that the spell checker didn’t complain about any of that "ough" action). Milly and Chuck must never marry... they must, in fact, separate. That way we can be certain their genes will simply die off. After this show... no new date will ever be had for either of them... and if they elect to stay together, chemical castration should be mandatory.

(Edited at 4:29)



The Good
~ I dunno how it’s possible, but they managed to shove these guys all over the Indonesian land and water masses and still ended up with a neck and neck race to the finish last night. They must have been dancing in the editing room at their good fortune. Milly-Mole, and Chuck-the-enormous-Sphincter missed a turn (because, you know, the sign was only 10 feet x 10 feet and in English) so they dropped an hour. That was the hour precisely required to let Kelly and John, clearly two of the stupidest humans on the planet, to catch up – despite their significant efforts to the contrary. The four of them have to do the final physical challenge at the same time... climbing this 50 ladder and blah blah blah ropes and bird pooh... then zoom away towards the episodes finish line. Amazingly, it was literally a sprint to the end. Chucky’s hair and Millys gargantuan mole must have dragged ‘em down at the end, because, THANK GOD, they were eliminated. Let the memory of their existence fade from my memory with the greatest of haste. And let them never forget that the one moment of indecision (one among the many) when they jumped back and forth on the "Detour" challenge ("Lets do this... no, lets’ do that... no lets do this.") cost them the 5 minutes they needed to stay in the game. Bwaahahaha...
"And for our last place team tonight, we have a free vasectomy ... Chuck... come with me..."

The Bad
~ The "Best Friends" and "The Engaged Couple". Seriously bad at this... Picture the Friends sitting in a SUV with a wheelbarrow on one side and the clowns on the other. They keep asking the clowns where the clue is... and the clowns, in their never-ending-niceness tell ‘em ... in the Wheelbarrow... "Which wheelbarrow?" I mean... gah! This, however, pales in comparison to Kelly and John. She’s simply incapable of cognitive processing and he’s too damn stupid to take off his sunglasses. Obviously his glasses filtered a colour or something because between the two of them they couldn’t read a giant 5 painted on the side of a truck. Ok, sounds petty, but you had to be there... they were in last place and just made idiotic mistake after idiotic mistake. Oh, and getting to watch John tak’en a wiz in the bushes was just fun wasn’t it...

The Pathetic
~ Milly.
Ok... see, Milly didn’t get her beauty sleep...which, I suppose, means that she wasn’t able to get the 24 solid uninterrupted months of sleep she needed???? But word... she looked like a denizen of Dante’s 7th hell last night... really very scary... and the mole grew arms and was making rude gestures...

The Sad
~ Kelly and John so completely deserve each other... and there’s really no worry about them procreating... I seriously doubt they will ever figure out how to have sex and actually make a deposit. I can just hear them making out "OOOOps... ahaha.. sorry." And "oh, wait wait... stop trying to talk till you swallow, I’m not a dentist." Or "wait, where did you want me to put this..." and a whole lot of her screaming "OUCH... NOT THERE YOU ASSHOLE". He tells her to "fuck yourself" at one point... which was kinda priceless... She, of course, wasn’t all that impressed and reacted by... by... well, nothing. He was reacting to her saying how mean he was for talking trash about the other players... This from the girl who was practically break dancing to her own "Milly-Mole" song.

The "really really unlucky"
~ Reichen and Chip take a wrong turn and end up saying "well, I guess we’ll just keep going this way and do the fast forward." This is what put John and Kelly so far behind... because they really expected to be able to do the FF. Oh, and btw, I finally understand how the FF works. Everybody gets a FF envelope in one of the clues each leg of the race and elect to either use it or no. Each team can only use one FF across the entire game so the idea would be to ignore the FF envelop. Chip and Dale could see the FF markings on the map they were reading and when they figured out they were on the right road for the FF they decided to open the envelope. It was utterly cool though, because they got to hand feed these wild orangutans and that would certainly be a trip making experience for me. Of course, the Christian Right is prol’y all up in arms about this for fear that some Chips gayness might have rubbed off on the orangutans...

Edit: oh, and Chip and Dale were first to the post and for their win, they get a trip described as "to Festive South America"... this, to me, paints the image of banditos shooting their riffles in the air... so we can all hope for bullets to get lodged in the top of thier heads.

Only four teams left... the clowns, the friends, the engaged, and the married gay guys. I’m still banking on the Clowns... they have got to be the audience favs.
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