Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

A few words about The Amazing Race.

The Amazing Race
Ok, you just know that the WOPA’s (wives of professional athletes) have cubby full of those "EasyOff Microwave Cleaners"... because there is very little chance that between the two of them they could manage to get a cloth wet.

The Good
~ When life throws you into a giant pile of poop... and you’re a couple of clowns... you dance, of course. The deal in this show seems to be that the thundering, crashing wheels get all the air time... while the relatively normal people get very little. That a couple of actual clowns are considered "normal" is a telling thing. Oh and the "engaged" couple, Kelly and Jon had the best quote of the night; While he’s trying to move a bunch of live eels from one bucket to another she asks what it feels like... "It’s slippery like a penis" Her reply? "K.. I want to touch it..." I dunno what’s more revealing about them... that "slippery" reminds him of a penis, or that her first response to anything being "like a penis" is to want to touch it. Yessiree... their gonna make a great married couple. Bet they have a name for her at the office.

The Bad
~ I am simply beside myself about the virgins. He should be gelded and she should have her ovaries removed pronto!!! SOMETHING MUST BE DONE TO STOP THAT BLOOD LINE NOW! He is just so freaking useless I can barely hold myself back from writing a two page rip on him. "Please go Chuck... Please just go... Please...." Pleads Milly-the-mole as they watch another strong lead vanish as they try to read a road map. Not even one of those big ass folding freak-out city maps... but a little placemat size, laminated tourist route map. They hop in a boat and sit there arguing about actually leaving, and then, when they do go, they go the wrong way... they tell themselves it’s the wrong way... and they keep going the wrong way... all the other teams start following them but one by one turn off to go the right way. They notice this... comment on the reality of their misadventure and AND keep going the wrong way. Gahhhhhh! It’s his crazed inability to make decisions that convinces me he received several hundred beatings at summer camp. Of course, she is no better. I just wanna reach into the tv and yank that mole off her lip. It’s a damn good thing they had a "fast forward" to clear the decks on this one.

The Pathetic
~ WOPA’s around the world must be clenching their teeth and stamping their pampered feet watching Monica and Sheree be such idjuts. They get covered in dung (a challenge involved finding a clue in a 15 foot tall pile of manure) then, because they can’t conceive of the complex trigonometry involved in executing a three point turn on a deserted country road, the drive their car into a bog... I was simply struck dumb at the sight of them; driving off a perfectly good road in hopes of performing a wide circle turn and basically driving into a mushy bog. Freaking dolts. Then, after the um... fortunate coincidence of a truck coming past with the necessary ropes to haul them out, Sheree gives the guy a hug... nice... cover him with your poopy smelling self.

The Sad
~ Faced with the choice of slogging away at moving 500 kgs of cheese wearing wooden shoes versus digging in a pile of pooh for the next clue Chip and Dale opt for the cheese. I mean, who’d have guessed these boys would be pooh squeamish... I mean... their gay. Ok ‘nuf said.

The "oh my god"
~ So Tian... the "alternative universe Faith Hill as a Crack Whore" look is really working for ya honey. Can you believe these two?? Tian looks great so long as she’s had a half day to sort out her look but when she’s a little worse for wear... wowzers ... I though Jaree was driving a corpse around. These two are the epitome of catty little wenches. Yanking shit out of each others hands, threatening to kick each others asses... Obviously, Tian has run out of whatever she pops in the morning while Jaree has run out of patience for Tian’s skanky ass bitching. They managed to finish up their tasks but I swear they were gonna rip each other to shreds in the process. Whattaya bet they get a contract to do a bud-lite commercial wrestling in something gooey?

and the "logical conclusion"
~ The air traffic controllers got the boot last night... without once demonstrating any mental cunning or special reasoning skill deal that I was certain would endear them to the show. Basically, two guys making all 50 somethings look bad. I hope they both get knee replacement surgery. It was down to the wire for them versus the Arguing Bimbos and in the end, their choice to run the cheese thing killed ‘em. Bet they never thought that a pile of shit would be the only thing standing between them and beating a couple of bimbos.

Planes, trains and automobiles... I’m waiting for someone to yell out "Those aren’t pillows!" Seven teams left...

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