Survivor VI : Update
Shock and Awe!!!
Wherein the last little bits of testosterone bubble to the surface, only to be shot down in flames as a pair of stinky panties play host to an entire corral of horseshoes.
~ come on... did you see Alex’s ears? Holy ferengi.
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
"No matter how hot she is... somebody, somewhere is already sick of her crap!" And with that quote, Rob sets the pace for tonight’s two hour final kick at the Amazon. It’s all about the final four turning into the final two. The only thing the show has at this stage is immunity challenges that better be good and the possibility of nasty shit from the Jury. Everything else is boring...
Blindfolded, soaking wet in the ever present pouring rain, raising nipples and lowering spirits. It’s time to walk the maze. A seriously hard looking game of feeling your way to immunity. All the boys "felt" their way to Jenna’s breasts while Jenna felt her way to the seriously messed up Immunity necklace. They fry the dancing fire boy and move right along to the final two days. Another immunity game, played out for the Jury was all about standing there and holding your own. Matt doesn’t bother and Rob, apparently, has spent far too much time holding his own to be of any use here... and once again, Ms. Stinky Panties walks with the only sure thing. She avoids losing instantly by sending Rob home and faces the jury with Jeremiah Johnson aka Matthew and the votes are cast!
The Darwin Moment!
Ok... while we’re here in Darwin Land... what is with CBS? First, when Rob cast his jury vote, you could read "NA" backwards through his parchment which seriously compromised the secrecy of the vote... then THEN when the Reunion show was starting... before they announce the sole survivor... some clown working the titles/captions controls pushes some button putting the Survivor Logo and the words "Jenna’s Family" up on the screen while the camera is still panning the re-assembled survivors... another dead give away... sheesh.
Ok... so the Darwin Moment that almost was... The kids have all fried one another and while the gods must be crazy we can’t escape the reality that it’s Matt and Stinky Panties in the final two. So, in keeping with Matt’s propensity for slightly off-center behavior, he decides to strip the camp of everything flammable, and while Jenna looks on with that default female expression that kind of moans "Ahhh boys gonna burn stuff..." he builds a giant carne, sprinkles on kerosene (where’d that come from??? Their torches?) and sets the boat on fire to shove out into the river. And, as the camera’s replay quite nicely thank-you-very-much, it freaking explodes in a fireball that removes his eyebrows and nose hairs. If it had set him totally ablaze I would have - sadly - laughed my ass off.
"Tomorrow we’re gonna beat Jenna, and then kick her off..." When will boys ever learn to keep their dicks in their pants? That quote came back to haunt Matt...
"When I do that, I embarrass my family..." pretty well everything Butch does qualifies this statement but the dancing works for now.
"Hey, I’m getting groped all over the place!" Yes Jenna... just another day at the office huh.
"If Mat is say’en you’re crazy... you are out of your fricking mind!" Word!!! This is Rob, commenting on Mat’s opinion of Butch’s behavior.
"That’s a little small to a cup there cowboy!" hahaha... Jenna... obviously a cup expert.
Zebra (my better half) "They all look like dorks..." as the final three doll themselves up in Amazon war paint and flashy head dresses. (lol!)
And putting it all in perspective... Rob, the consummate player is working the angles to very bitter end. At the last possible second of his play he’s out with "Jenna, I’ll make you a deal.. step down.. and I’ll take you with me." To which she replies "No... Let’s just fight it out and take who ever we were gonna take." (hence... Not you Rob.)
Most Memorable Moment
A personal moment here... but my "moment" was watching Horse Face Heidi, all cleaned up and squirming to keep her lips squeezed together in a little slut red sphincter that still couldn’t hold those teeth in long enough to avoid one last embarrassing moment of self indulgence at the jury question period. She puts the question out the final two "who do you think really deserves to be in your seat, if not you?" Both Jenna and Matthew say Rob deserved it the most... and the rest of the jury is nodding away like crazy. Then she pushes again saying "is there anyone else? Somebody who deserves it????" hahahahaha... she was hoping hard core - for some crazy ass reason - that someone would say her name... and it was just not forthcoming. A bushel of Limes could not have sucked her face into a scrunchier pucker.
Note: Matt setting the fireball off and almost burning himself up was pretty memorable too!
The last show is pretty lame... I mean, it always is... lot’s of reminiscing and random consumption. The gang eats up most of the remaining manyak rice and whatever else they can get their hands on... They burn everything... and they wander around in a daze inspired by the fact that Jenna is wearing the necklace of "you guys are just fucked". The game was still on... even if it was turned upside down. Jenna manages to screw with Butch while Rob and Matt are off talking and promises Butch she’ll vote with him... then turns on that as soon as Matt puts the next scenario in front of her. Poor Butch never had a chance... I think it was the dancing... or BURNING DOWN THE CAMP.
Immunity Challenge #1
The Maze Game... great fun, this one... besides Jenna’s nipples... The game is a pretty descent sized maze made from canvas partitions mapping out four zones (earth, wind, water and fire). Blindfolded players have to feel these relief maps pointing them in specific directions to find either anther map or a post with a necklace. Get yer necklace from each zone and then head for the winners circle. Butch and idiot-Rob cannot work the game at all, although the boys all seem to manage an outstretched hand onto Jenna’s boobs... Jenna, meanwhile, is one step ahead of Matt and stays there. I’m guessing her career choice helps her perform well while people grope at her. With immunity in her hands, it’s now a question of which boy goes and there was never any doubt about Butch joining the jury.
Immunity Challenge #2
So with Rob, Jenna and Matt left, they go for this really goofy "experience" moment. Thankfully, we were saved from the got-old-fast Long Walk from the previous Survivor shows, as the final three boards a sea plane and go for a sightseeing flight. They ultimately end up at this whey station with the direction to decorate themselves and their headdress for a battle... All in traditional Amazonian style... of course.
The three of them looked seriously dorky when they were done and they end up back at the Pitt to face a final Immunity Challenge.
As expected it’s an endurance thing.
Stand on this on-edge two-by-four perch, with your hands over your head holding your headdress up in the air above you. Now stay put. Matt mentioned before the game that he was considering throwing the competition because he felt it didn’t matter who won, he was sure he’d go to the final two. He bails fast... leaving Rob and Jenna holding their ... stuff. Jenna had several close calls but in the end, Rob did not have what it took to hold it the longest and he caves over... sealing his fate as the next one out of the winners circle.
Me. I found myself rooting for Jenna... maybe it’s the underdog thing coming out... I dunno. I mean, I cannot believe that she won ... it’s totally incomprehensible to me that she made it... but that is what I really enjoyed about this run of the Survivor Series; at every turn they were surprising me. The Thailand show sucked donkey dicks compared to this one and was very very predictable. This show had game going on right up until the very last seconds of the show. I know... I know... Ms. Stinky Panties winning the cash is just crazy... but what the hell. It’s not like it’s the last time the self centered, self important, heartless girl in your high school will come out ahead. Right...
Ok... I have to say it... The first immunity challenge was the maze game... pouring rain and Rob, Matt, Butch and Jenna are standing there... soaking wet... Jenna was sporting some seriously perked nipples. You could hang a parka on one of those. :D
Wow... I mean, Jenna winning immunity TWICE here just threw everything out the window. The boys could not regroup and it was all in her hands.
I wanted to puke when Jenna talked about having worked hard to get here... bah!!! A pox on you! :D Matt admits to having thrown the final immunity. After the final jury vote, Jeff speeds away in a Sea Do Jet Ski and we get this silly video segment of him arriving... on the sea do, in NY Harbor, and taking the A train to the studio. Cheesy... on the big.
Man... every year it’s the same thing... the spiteful, unhappy losers on the jury do their best to get a shot in and the Final Two try to weather the storm.
~ Denna calls Matt on saying "may the best man win" as if he was revealing some big chauvinistic tendencies... and come on... he’s just some dude...
~ Dave asks some butt head question about relating themselves to a world leader so he can step down off his Ivy League life long enough to try and relate to them... I wished someone called him on this and told him he was an elitist dick-smack and to shut the fuck up.
~ Christy does her best to find Jenna’s weakness... and artfully didn’t just lay into her about being a vile bitch to her when they all got together at the start of the game. She calls her on the statement made ever so long ago that her good looks were her handicap. Christy takes that in typical Handicap Elitism/Hypocrisy (my personal bitch is when handicapped people expect on the one hand to have the world bend over backwards to accommodate their special needs, and refuse to let the rest of the planet complain about what makes their life hard. Handicapped or not... life is hard and that’s that.) Jenna made a reasonable effort to explain herself on that score saying people treat her different when they see that she lacks dimension beyond her primary two.
~ Alex... dick head till the very end... if I read that he was killed by a NY Lesbian Hit Squad I would laugh. He was a never ending source of rolling eyes and snotty behavior. Screw him.
~ The rest of the questions were pretty basic stuff... "did you lie?" "why should you win?" etc.
~ Survivor Panama in the Fall... They’re going to have to work hard to do better than this one. This was, by far, the best Survivor yet. There was plenty of game playing, back stabbing, and drama... and yo... it’s a TV show. It’s supposed to entertain me... this did.
~ I really hope you enjoyed reading these updates... I know I’ve had a lot of great feedback and I wanted to take a second to thank you for that. I’ve found this to be a really great way to exercise a little creative element and knowing that you get a rise out of it makes it all the more fun. I am looking forward to the fall...
[ click the icon below to link to the Survivor Update section of my web site ]