Survivor VI : Update
Beaver and Dickhead
Wherein ... well, look... bright white teeth... underfed-skinny... artificial breasts... the mental prowess of a gerbil ... I mean, toss ‘em an eighteen inch black rubber double ended cock and you’ve got the heroin-addicted stars of every other porno made since 1995.
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Rob needs a little white cat to round out his Blofeld impersonation. He has overturned the thimbles that used to be vessels for Matt (raging psycho) and Butch’s brains and filled ‘em back up with his own brand of reality. Cappa-frappa-mocha-freaky-chino with biscuits is the Reward for playing with spears, bows and blowguns. Stinky Panties gets a free pass (again) to go play coffee bar with Alex... think Beaver and Dickhead on crack. Meanwhile, back at the farm, Neck Lady forgets herself long enough to embrace an unhealthy portion of self importance, to her ultimate demise. SDH (Simply Decrepit Heidi) spills the plot to Stinky Panties, setting the stage for a backstabbing conga line. The Evil Dead Zombie Fish comes back to life to savagely attack poor Butch and a furry spider from Hell manages to find a square inch of Heidi to bite... setting the stage for Jeff’s best dig of the series to date. Immunity is a classic retching fest of malnourished skinny white people trying to stuff nature’s most disgusting protein sources down their throats... American Psycho wins, of course. Rob’s little plot twist, and some choice words from Beaver and Dickhead, sends Deena (and her neck) into the fiery pits of "get the hell outta here".
The Darwin Moment!
Nothing screams disaster faster than "udder" confidence (that’s "bitch tits, piss and vinager"), and Deena has a barf bag full of it when she concludes that it’s a good idea to tell Jenna, let alone the girl on the other end of Jenna’s double dong, that she wants to toss Alex out. The total lack of pheromones in Deena’s life has left her incapable of understanding that Jenna is sticking to everything she sits on because Alex is the current center of her universe.
"We will be a chain... I initiate all communication..." (now lets call the chief on my shoe phone and we’ll book some time with the cone of silence) Geezus christ on a stick!!! Matt is either the best actor on the television lately or he was dropped on his head... several hundred times. That was him talking to Butch after Rob "filled his head with lies."
"dfjaj a; ;h @34;j ;adf;ahhj@#$#$4a;kjajjred ‘ing..." This is Butch talking... he has lost all ability to speak coherently. No really. After Agent Matt briefs Butch on this chain-of-command thing, we see Butch doing this camera talk thing making chain-link hand gestures and speaking... but mostly he was just stringing syllables together. I’m not sure he even knows where he is anymore.
"The group thinks Matt is mentally unstable and they don’t want him to kill any of us." Quwoth the raven... in this case... Rob.
Upon seeing the implements of destruction for the Reward Challenge, Alex laments that "Matt’s gonna orgasm when he sees this!" ... revealing the general opinion of the gang that Matt is one sick fucker.
(Ok...STOP! Put on yer best valley girl voice...k?... Ok, GO) "Do I, like, totally need to put my mouth around it?" Yeah, that was Heidi... and who cares what she was talking about... I mean, she’s been saying that ever week since grade 10 right?
Jeff, according to published reports, is not super healthy... so he’s prol’y not feeling all that patient with the kids... and he’s letting a little of his animosity slip. When Rob grabs the blow-dart gun for the Reward Challenge he pipes up with "Rob! You look like you’re gonna be good at this..." Ok, what exactly does that mean?
"This is getting so interesting!"... comments Heidi with all the conviction of a bowl of jello.
Dr. Blofeld, aka Rob "It’s Deena versus Alex, and both think they’re calling the shots in this game." Dude... you got game. I hope you don’t blow it.
In a moment or rare clarity... Jenna perks up ‘nuf to say "I’m confused... maybe I’m just and idiot." GIVE THAT GIRL A PRIZE.
"Oh... crunchy!" This would be Matt making me want to kiss him. He was tossing a comment at Christie as she was trying to get the other half of the six inch grasshopper down in the Immunity game. Needless to say, Christie was swallowing her own bile in the next instant.
Jeff (half way through the Immunity game) "Deena’s in, and Christie’s throwing up!" You know he loves this game right?
Most Memorable Moment
Deena is talking plot to Rob, Christie, and Heidi and considering their options if Matt, the current target-de-jour, wins immunity. She’s leading them to conclude that Alex must go... there is this moment when Heidi has to absorb some details... and the camera holds on her face while she pushes her swollen tongue out between her lips and retainer (yeah, I said retainer)...I have no description for this that would do it justice but it warranted a rewind-watch-again-rewind-watch-again moment. Any ways, this is a considered conversation by the evil plot meisters and then the camera switches to the coffee hut where reward winner Alex and tag along Stinky Panties are having their own little plot talk. These two sounded remarkably like Beavis and Butthead planning to put potatoes in the tail pipes of police cars. Half sentences... mostly letting the caffeine do the talking.
Jacare tribe? Tribe! What tribe... it’s Rob, Deena making plans and a bunch of skinny people wandering around in a daze. Everybody keeps wandering away from camp to have plot talks... I have no idea how they are surviving from a nutrition point of view. Matt and Butch keep going fishing... but considering that the fish are totally on to them, there’s slim pickings from that food source lately. In fact, we get to watch Butch catch a fish... push a knife through it’s head... twice... then start gutting it... AND THEN the freaking zombie of a "dawn of the dead" fish lurches and bites his finger... dude... it’s a Piranha don’t forget. Ouch.
While she slept... a big ol’hairy spider climbs onto Heidi and bites her knee... or one of her breast implants slips wildly out of place... whatever happened... her knee is all huge and painful. She can’t walk or bend that knee. She’s just looking awful... she must be cringing to see herself in this show.
The Reward Deal shows up at camp as a set of Spears, Blow Guns, and Bow&Arrow gear. Rob goes to some length to tell Matt, or lead Matt to tell himself, to blow the challenge so people don’t think of him as a big threat. Then Matt is all about getting bull’s-eyes in the challenge... right up until the last moment when he (my opinion) throws it, letting Alex win. Rob never had a chance... He practically took his own hand off practicing with the Bow, Heidi couldn’t get her dart to the target (imagine that... Heidi didn’t blow very well) and the rest just didn’t do well ‘nuf. Alex gets to bring a buddy to share with and he picks Beaver girl.
The prize is a trip to a jungle coffee bar... cappuccino maker, iced coffee and FOOD. Cookies, muffins, biscuits, etc. Alex and Jenna stuff themselves and pound back the coffee... and only manage to sneak two "hands full" (how do you pluralize that??) of broken cookies back to camp.
Note: Matt and Butch are still out trying to fish and Rob wanted to eat their share!)
A giant dead grasshopper, a bowl of coconut worms (ugly fat slugs), five icky black beetles (where’s Yoko when you really need her), and disgusting huge, thick, wiggly, live grub. "We’ve taken the pincers off so it doesn’t hurt you going down!" Gee thanks Jeff ... you sick fuck! This was just horrific. Matt powered everything back without a second thought... But the rest of ‘em were struggling. Christie was barfing and swallowing it enough to have me seeing double... I mean, she was swallowing six times for every one time the rest of them swallowed, if you get my meaning... ick. Jenna never even tries (smart girl), Heidi can’t do it, and in the end it’s all about Deena versus Matt. At the Giant Grub final munch... Deena responds to the "get ready... get set... go" with a hand gesture over to Matt who downs it while she watches. Matt gets immunity and Deena never knew how bad she needed it.
Shall we call the evil little "I thought you were dead" fish evil today? Or do we call Matt evil for saying "Oh... Crunchy" to Christie, while she was scarfing down the grasshopper? Is Rob evil for the way he’s working Matt and Butch? Or maybe we can all just settle on Dom Jeff for enjoying their suffering so much.
Bwaaahahahaahahahahaa... gaaahaha... *cough*
Yeah, so Deena thought she had the world by the tail with her little talk to Rob, Christie and Heidi. Lets see... he last quotable moment was "I convinced Jenna that Alex has to go!" This was moments before the thick-neck-girl joined the Rocket Scientist on the Jury. Rob has the game... it’s his to lose by getting anywhere near as cocky as Deena was.
Matt and Butch are doing a total Mutt and Jeff thing eating out of Rob’s hands and that makes three solid votes. There are only seven people left... Rob is quickly getting to the place where his "power of three" will earn him the respect of the Jury and maybe win the game. Christie is flying low and, frankly, being a bit naive... but that can work here. I’m worried about her getting on board with Rob too late. Rob will certainly see that he might not win against her when the jury votes.
It’s a killer vote to toss neck-girl tonight. En route to that though is a great moment of Alex doing a double take when Heidi suggests that she brings athleticism and intelligence to the game... hahahaha! She comments that she has lost one of those qualities and Jeff asks "which one?" implying she’s not exhibiting either. (nice huh) Jenna and Alex are just livid with Deena for turning, as they see it, on their alliance and they go to town on the sound bites as they vote. True to their training, Matt and Butch both vote for Deena... "we’re a chain." Hahaha... oh man...
~ two skinny girls cry next week... oh weee... what do you bet it’s about Stinky Panties thinking she and Alex will be a real couple someday?
~ I’m having trouble thinking that Rob has enough brains to not blow this...
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