Survivor VI : Update
Jurassic Freak’en Park
Wherein careful sound engineering keeps us from hearing the retching sounds as the camera men catch Heidi in her bikini. Desperately hungry white people avoid scurvy and the most comprehensive turn-off for vegetarians the world over is played out on national television. Yessiree... that’s entertainment.
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Ok... look, this is the "sick" episode if there ever was one. Opening shot of Roger lying his ass off to the girls and then the first truly ghastly video moments of Heidi resplendent in her 1-800-feed-me-before-I-die exoskeleton and little saline bags. Reward is a log rolling game that mercifully did not kill anyone although Mat had his tail bone rammed up his ass... Tambaqui wins fruit, veg and spices. The losers wash up like so many piglet’s and grooming monkeys and go on to lose again in the Brown Baby game. Immunity came to the carnivores with the biggest mouths - remarkably sickening Survivor moment, and Camp Slut or not, times up for the walking-orgasm... Bye Shawna.
The Darwin Moment!
Shawna? Whatever were you thinking... you little skank. Since when does a woman get ahead acting like the high school tramp that can never walk properly on Saturday mornings, playing testosterone overdosing men off against one another?
"Does anyone here want to make out with me? I asked if anyone wanted to kiss me but nobody seems to want to." Well guess who... d’uh.
"It’s day whatever..." Shawna, so wrapped up in mopping the cream off her thighs, cannot even remember what day of the game it is...
"If a bikini gets’ me further in the game then I’m ok with that." Well gee... big freaking surprise there Jenna...
"I just took a bath with a swimsuit model." Comments Rob, practicing the chant that will be coming from his bathroom for the next couple of months.
"My strategy is to turn on the guys..."
"There is nothing shifty going on..."
"He’s an idiot!!" (referring to Matthew)
Rob is such an endearing character... don’t ya think. Can you just see him being off’ed on an episode of Oz?
Matthew: "Oh, there’s definitely potential there." (re: his hooking up with Shawna - who is all but blowing Alex 7x24)... Um... Matthew? What colour is the sky in your world?
"Butch just took a piece right out of Rogers mouth!!" gasp’s Jeff as the Brown Baby game is played... mmk, that was two men with hands bound behind their backs transferring a hunk of bloody beef stuck between Rogers teeth. Mouth Meat Madness...
Most Memorable Moment
As the very memorable Immunity Challenge winds down and a winner is declared there was this three-seconds-of-video moment that defined the whole night... The game involved a ginormous hip of beef hanging 4 feet off the ground... the kids rip it shreds. Deena is looking back at Jeff as he reads the verdict, pointing to Deena’s team as the losers and the hip, still spinning on its tether, WHACKS her in the back of the head... hard ‘nuf to drop her out of camera. It was definitely a "Press REPLAY Press REPLAY" moment... hahahaha...
Ok, remember that this is Jenna, Shawna, Alex, Matthew, Rob, and Deena, and really the only player on the team is Deena, despite Robs substantial efforts to be a player, he can never get very far from the American Pie character that lives in him. Mostly Camp Hose-Bag is like a FOX dating game, with Alex lamenting how Matthew "uses Shawna as a pillow just when she and I start to cuddle" and images of Jenna looking remarkably "third wheel" like in the background of every Shawna moment.
After they lose the Reward Challenge, they pile into a mud pool so Jenna and Shawna can do their thing... which Deena accurately refers to as "grooming in the monkey bath". Meanwhile Rob is searching around for an apple pie.
Matthew, btw, is Mr. Fish. We get this great shot of him holding a spear of a dozen decent fish over the fire... He catches, cooks and prol’y cleans up the food zone. Er... maybe Mr. Whipped is a better name. Poor Deena is just agog at the whole deal. The fluffers are doing their thing, Mat is slaving away, Rob is being a dick and Deena is just shaking her head.
Ah yes... Dave, Christie, Roger, Butch, Heidi. I like these guys mostly because I like Christie... but watching Butch and Roger blow smoke up everybody’s asses is getting really hard to take. Roger goes about some lame deal of justifying the ouster of Jeanne by telling Christie she’s got so much "value", which, of course, leaves her purring like a kitten. Butch goes on about a big "life defining moment" (when Christie started purring over the comment). I was about ready to barf, although seeing Heidi, aka "Karen Carpenter with a Boob Job" was the clear winner in the barf-o-matic zone. These guys had a major burst of vitamins with the reward win so they’ll be in good, or better form.
A log rolling game for a tray of fruits and vegetables, and some spices... including garlic... which will do wonders for their body odor. The game was a boy-on-boy and girl-on-girl thing with combatants standing on a rolling barrel thing over a pool of water... doing a "first to fall off" game. Five points for a team is a win. It was entertaining and almost dangerous... Matthew fell, landing on his ass against the side of the barrel at one point and I was sure he had been injured. Tombaqui wins this one hands down... I mean, Rob? Jenna? Shawna? Yeah... no way. Oh, and Jenna faced off against Christie... and Christie relished her victory appropriately.
Hang two marginally cooked hips of beef on ropes and tie the players hands behind their backs. Now rip that thing apart getting meat from the hip to your bucket. Heaviest bucket in 10 minutes wins. Just imagine if there was a rabid vegetarian in the group for this one? Alas, (earwax) they were all hard core carnivores and it was just sick. Meat kept getting stuck in peoples teeth and team mates had to mouth-to-mouth to rip the flesh out of the bloody maw and spit it into the bucket. Images of blood covered faces horking hunks of red beef at the bucket are still haunting me. For the record, Roger and Butch, Heidi and Roger, Heidi and Christi all did the mouth-meat-kiss thing. Matt picks a piece of meat off the ground (with his mouth)_ after someone steps on it... geezus. Tambaqui wins again. This is where the swinging shredded hip spins a huge hip bone into the back of Deena’s head.
Really I can only see Rob with his pinky in his mouth cackling like Dr. Evil. Generally, both camps are a pathetic and not really capable of much evil. Give’em time... the gloves may be off now but the claws will come out next week.
Oh give me a break. Heidi in her bikini top is anorexia poster material... Her implants are looking positively terrifying. Christie is actually keeping a little of her body mass by comparison to the others, and kinda looks nice but unless you are into bones, there’s really no candy here.
Hmm... well now... Rob wants to play with Deena but his plans keep backfiring on him. Matthew and Rob both voted to toss Shawna so I’m thinking Deena is working her magic on Team Losers.
Butch, Dave and Roger are playing Christie and Heidi like a pair of tambourines.
The Jabaru Campers actually made air time with a seemingly frank discussion about who’s voting for who... we rarely see footage of that. However, true to form, the editing made it look like they were going to fry Matthew. In the end, Matt gets to keep fishing and feeding his tribe mates as Shawna garners 4 votes and is fried. Alex is bummed. He and Shawna voted for Matthew.
~ Shawna gave a really good exit speech. Just say’en.
~ Next weeks highlights show the gang playing the "Stand on this pole" game... you know, last one standing on the pole wins. And we get preview material of Heidi and Jenna taking off their clothes on the pole to ... what? gross everyone out?
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