Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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If CNN is covering it... does that make it a war?

CNN Special "War Desk" correspondent
Hello... this is John Ashbrook, still coming to you live from CNN HQ at the War Desk.
As you can see on the screen beside my little head, the streets of Downtown Baghdad
are quiet and nothing is blowing up.

We go live, now, to Ashley Crow, at our News Base "somewhere in Kuwait"...
thinks microphone is off
... oh god... somebody come and change this colostomy bag...
I wish they fucking blow somethi
microphone cuts out.

Image switches to full screen, Lady in Desert Safari Garb
Hello... This is Ashley Crow. As you can see, I have on my very best
"watching things blow up" outfit and I'm talking in a slightly british accent,
because it makes me sound bloody brilliant. I am told that our animation
teams have just wrapped up production of several 3-D short segments
showing gloriously boring details of the Cruise Missile launch that took
place several hours ago and struck somewhere in Iraq seconds later.
Lets go back to Atlanta and let John tells us all about it.
thinks microphone is off...
damn damn damn...
microphone cuts out.

Screen change back to studio
Hello... this is John Ashbrook... I'm hoping to reach Retired General
Albert Donaldson for a live studio interview any moment now...
However, lets watch this animation of the cruise missile launch first...

cut to full screen, 30 fps flat colour animation of a navel destroyer
and cutting across to a little animation...

"the decapitation strike launched several hours ago must have been
initiated from a ship that looked much like this one, however it was
probably a lot darker and not actually an animation... in fact it was
somewhere in the Red Sea... and then up it goes... the missile is away...
and while this animation shows it going straight to Baghdad, the real one
would have been much lower to the ground and performed a "mapping"
(cuts back to studio of John making that little two hands raised up,
fingers twitching "quotes" thing... then cuts back)
as it flies...
Oh we have General Donaldson...

John: Hello General...

(split screen with John in little head position, the General on right with
slightly larger head and central steady cam shot of downtown Baghdad)

General: Yes... Hello John, and it's Retired General....
John: I understand you were a tank commander in operation Desert Storm.
General: No... I was in charge of a heavy artillery installation</i>
John: Oh... ok... So General... do you have any authority to make, say
that tall building we see in the background... can you have anyone blow that up?
General: Pardon?
John: The building... in Baghdad... can you blow it up... something... anything...
I mean Jesus Christ we're all sitting h

cut to white noise... replaced by Ashley Crow holding ear piece trying to put her wig back on...
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