Survivor VI : Update
Tin Roof... Rusted!
Wherein I get to laugh my ass off at the royal head fucking that Dom Jeff lays on the wanna-be Amazonians. No really, it’s "mess with their heads" day and the kids are in fine form.
Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Lovely opening close-up moment of bugs crawling over a sleeping Shawna’s teeth and The Neck (deena) gets about 30 seconds as "alpha female". Alex loses an argument with a tree, and the tree hit him in the head with a machete (replay replay replay replay) and Jeanne feels the noose tighten. Rob-the-man-boob is practically in tears as the Rocket Scientist and Stinky Panties are paired off for a night of debauchery, lechery, and Jenna’s big fucking mouth. It ends with new tribes, and integration at a chromosome level - no I’m not just referring to Deenas’ status as resident hermaphrodite. A penis makes Shawna feel right as rain, and the Brown Baby is awarded to the best word puzzle players, once again, reminding us that brawn has very little to do with survival when God is played by a short little Domination Fetish master.
The Darwin Moment!
Well this was easy. Alex, in a moment of "see what we can get if we keep a camera on everybody all day" good fortune, is hacking away at a tree and manages to let a rebounding branch slam against his arm, which propels said arm into his face... unfortunately for him he’s holding his machete in the hand attached to that arm and ends up whacking himself in the forehead with the thing... bwaahahahaa... Wait... lets rewind and watch that in slow-mo! Wohoo. Now the real Darwin part is that after all is said and done he actually finds a silver lining in that he thinks the scar will look cool. Cool? Um... yeah and think up a good story to tell the bar fly that doesn’t sound like "I gave myself a lobotomy when I hit myself in the head with a machete."
Deena observes that "Jeanne is sweating in her panties..." Lovely illustration there Neck-Girl... Just what I want to think about as I note that Jeanne kinda looks like James Cagney.
"We’re staying here for the night?" Comments Jenna (Stinky Panties) upon seeing the bed at The Love Shack. Er... well, yeah Jenna... what’d ya think the bed was for? Maybe shooting a little amazon porn this afternoon... ya know, you ride Dave like the little jockey you are and Jeff and his gang will get it all on tape.
"I got to see boobs... This is the greatest thing to ever happen to me!" opines Dave after Jenna has a shower at The Love Shack. Geezus Dave... you need to get out more.
"Well, I’m gonna take my time before I proposition any of these girls, but if Shawna or Jenna want to walk around here naked I promise not to cast any votes their way before the merge." Ok Rob... this is fucked up on so many levels I hardly know where to begin. First of all, of course you wont be casting any votes for ‘em ... you’ll be too busy trying to squeeze another drip out of little Elvis. And word bro!! Take yer time on those propositions... you know, get a little shaggier and maybe spend time talking about how much fun it is to live with your mom, singing Karioki alone, in the basement.
My fav! From this episode... but mostly because of the look on Deena’s face as she says "It’s amazing what a little testosterone can do for someone." ... as she tries not to gag over Shawna’s instant recovery when faced with the proximity of Alex’s penis.
Most Memorable Moment
There was this moment... this two seconds of video as Dave describes the shower in The Love Shack in a voice over while he’s taking a shower... in the background we see Jenna chewing her hair and leering at Dave. You can just see the last few brain cells leaking out of her as the proximity of testicles works it magic. I mean, lucky her... she’s been forced to eat moldy icky rice for two weeks and has the abdominal definition to prove it and, just because she was the youngest (to be explained later) she gets to be in The Love Shack with the cute boy... essentially she gets her tummy for nothing and her dicks for free.
Well, there was no Reward Challenge per-se, unless you consider the game to be the likelihood of the players revealing their tribes confidential data. If you go that route... please just tattoo an enormous L on Miss Stinky Panties. Actually, feel free to use a red hot branding iron...
Tree mail brought instructions for the youngest player to head out with a map and look for the Survivor Time Share. This, of course, left Rob in freak’en tears... we had memorable video moments of him talking to the camera choking back tears whining about how unfair it is that the Rocket Scientist gets to go... geez... want a little cheese to go with that Rob?
Dave and The Skank arrive at The Love Shack to find clean towels, robes, slippers, wine, a bed, a shower and food all over the place. Not bothering to spend one second thinking about how they could pack some of the food to take back to the starving jungle rats back at camp, they dive in to the food with nice clean robes draped over their stinky unwashed bodies. Food leads to wine, wine leads to showers and showers lead to both of them talking about how you can sorta "see through the translucent material" that the shower stall is made of. Jenna starts flossing with her own hair as she watches Dave shower and essentially loses any sense she might possibly still have and they engage in conversation. About 30 seconds into the convo Stinky Panties has given away every freaking secret the girls have... trash talking her team mates and outing all the alliances. She manages to forget about Hear-No-Evils deafness but she treats Christy like an unwanted pet to start with so go figure.
Meanwhile, Dave, appropriately high on seeing Jenna’s boobs - along with the requisite video moment of her in a stinky thong and a some kind of bra, manages to hold back in the convo by distracting her with pathetic fawning. "Rob talks about Heidi’s breasts... and the rest of us talk about your sexy ass... You have a really sexy ass." To which Jenna giggles, opens her mouth to spit out the last gooby bits of her brain and starts looking at the bed.
They sleep together but, fortunately we are not subjected to any starving white folk porn... I didn’t really want to see the outline of his dick pushing at the skin of her back from the inside anyways. However, morning comes, even if they didn’t and with it Dom Jeff delivers the goods. He shows up and asks them to sit at the table while he pours out a bag of jenga blocks with a players name engraved on each. They are to draft new tribes. Jenna immediately covers her face with her hand and silently screams... and how Dave held his laughter in check I will never know.
Dave immediately picks Heidi, therefore breaking Jenna’s only partnership and it goes on from there.
Jaburu (formerly the land the of the beaver)
So Camp Shaboomi is now Jenna, Alex, Deena, Rob, Mathew and Shawna.
Jenna returned to camp and after a very marginal explanation of how it went down, instructs Heidi, Christie and Jeanne to get the hell out and head for boy land. The camera pans around a bit to remind us of what a shit hole this camp is... lucky boys. lol!! Rob is destined to make a total ass of himself and if Alex can keep from cutting his head off, Shawna... the walking orgasm, will be spooning him in no time at all. Shawna experiences a recovery of biblical proportions now that there are nuts in the camp... Alex’s nut’s to be specific and she is just all over that like a chipmunk (paint your mental pictures there). Meanwhile Deena tries to not hack up an organ as she watches Shawna turn it on.
Tambaqui (formerly testicle-house)
Camp Testosterone where the money is... although the screw up the Brown Baby Challenge... but I’ll get to that later. This is Dave, Heidi, Butch, Christi, Jeanne and Roger. The boys are appropriately surprised to find out that Christie is deaf and then they move mountains to make her comfortable. She is impressed by their effort and we get this night vision video moment of her talking about how shitty Camp Shaboomi was about her deafness panning across Heidi and Jeanne as she talks... they looked close to tears. Dave, Roger and Butch are in heaven... because the no-occupancy sign is just blazing on Heidi’s forehead, so manipulating her makes four!
The Brown Baby is up for grabs and to get her you need to find several Amazon type words in a "word search" puzzle. Things like "anaconda" and "piranha". Jenna’s crew manages to get their five words first and it’s all over from that point forward... although the typical editing thing makes it seem close. Dave and his Tombaqui crew can’t spell mosquito so they end up in Pit Row. Notably, I found myself cheering for Tombaqui to win.
Heidi you ignorant cunt! I mean, Jeanne was a toad anyways but still... talk about selling out in a heart beat. "We’ve decided that we want to take you with us to the merge." Says Dave to Heidi... who, btw, was looking very strange in the video moments that she garnered... ??? all plastic-ee and stretched looking... yikes. The boys play their roles to a tee, presenting the testosterone fueled assumption that they will eat the girls for breakfast and, like some may cut grapefruits, the girls just knuckle under and let it happen. And thanks to Heidi they had ZERO chance to cap these guys.
Well look at you Shawna... all alive and kicking... I wonder if she catches some horrific bug that has her puking and retching and farting and all the pretty stuff so she can really impress the hell out of Alex-the-walking-home-lobotomy-kit. Now, I have to say, watching Rob whine about not going to The Love Shack was candy to me... almost as much fun to watch as seeing Heidi and Jeanne react to Christie saying the girls team sucked-cock at attending to her disability. Otherwise... I mean, ok, Jenna in her stinky panties at the Shack but seriously... ick.
Yeah... Dave, Roger, and Butch, versus Heidi, Christie and Jeanne. It was a fifty / fifty thing right up until Heidi sold out her alliance. It starts with the three of them picking short-stick to decide which boy to collectively vote out and they would have had to break the tie and that was at least A FREAKING CHANCE to overpower the testicles... but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. They will eat Heidi (sorry, haha)... If they were serious they would have gone to Christie because she obviously loves them for the way they dealt with her being deaf. No... they went to Heidi because they can manipulate her and because they are all little-head-thinkers...
Deena has to put up with Shawna and Jenna? Doooode!!! Expect her to either muster the pathetic girls to use Jenna’s boobs to get Rob on board or see her cave and fry her girlies asap. I mean, ... Rob? Mathew? Both very weak and no leadership skills... Alex? Um... head wound... say no more. Jenna? Hahahaha... Shawna... hahaha... oh, poor Alpha Female Deena.
Well losing that challenge was a bad turn for the Tambaqui’s. Dave knew, thanks to Jenna, that Jeanne was next to go so the boys worked that and the vote came out exactly as they expected. Jeff tortures Heidi a bit by asking whether old alliances or new teams are influencing her vote.... She blubbers and you can see she’s gonna swing.
Say good night Jeanne. You got hosed.
~ Heidi didn’t spell Jeanne’s name properly... she spelled it Gene. Seriously vacuous girl.
~ This was great... best episode of the show so far this season.
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