Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

Survivor 6 Update!!!

Survivor VI : Update

Joanna, er... Jane, You Ignorant Slut!

Wherein we really nail down a couple of Amazonians to get a big hate on for. An evil psycho chick and a homophobic bigot... yea, it’s All In The Family on the Amazon. The addition of a Y chromosome continues to be a draw back in the games, and pssst. "There’s a gang of really wet women over there". Second episode and they already sound like cheesy spam subject lines.

Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Leaderless girls stay hungry and unsheltered while the boys hunker down in their tree fort and eat flap jacks. But ohhhh "the pressure" is just too much for the boys as they lose yet again. Now the girls are not the only bait in the jungle, in fact, they have their own jar of bait - not that it will help much. Roger outs himself as a horribly intolerant bigot putting both feet in. Joanna pulls back the face mask to show her true Men-In-Black-like evil alien self. She rips into Hear-No-Evil and drives the rest crazy with religious zeal. Apparently she’s quite concerned she’s destined to turn into a pillar of salt for looking at the craven Idol. Janet elects to eat maggots, and someone brought granola bars. The boys surprisingly have a better memory than the girls and win Immunity, so it’s girls-night-out at the Pitt. Janet scoots away to get her hair done.

The Darwin Moment!
Why in gods name (pun intended) did the other women not call Joanna on the IDOL thing? Joanna... a good Christian Zealot, worthy of a horse, chain mail and dead infidels on the business end of her Sword, gets all freaky on the girls because she considers the Immunity Brown Baby a craven Idol and god is bringing them rain because the have the idol... you know, like the boys are cloud free a few miles away? Somebody please stamp the words "Rain Forest" on the back of her hand... that way she’ll be reminded every time she’s motivated to give someone the hand. I half expected her to demand they not win any more immunities so she can keep her faith.

Best Quotes
(use a squeaky voice for this... mmk) "Well, we forgot that we were in the middle of the Amazon and rain comes daily." Holy brainiac... Shawna honey? What exactly did you think the "rain forest" part of AMAZON RAIN FOREST meant? Oh... you knew that... but you forgot... yea, I can see how that could happen what with all the distractions you have there.

Roger: "I’m just not used to losing to women... not that I’m a chauvinist or anything." Bwaahahahahahaa... snort... *cough* hack... choke... hahahaha... Do you think CNN will be there when his wife is done with him?

Oh wait... there’s more.

Roger: (on homosexuality) "People can do their own thing, as long as they don’t bother me.... But it’s not natural... and it bothers me to see it."
Whatever his wife leaves the good folks at Pride will finish off.

Janet: "What? What? It’s full of maggots? I did not know that... nope, I did not know that." CHOMP! Geezus...

Evil Cunt Queen Sheeba: "I’m gonna talk all night about the goodness of the lord!"
(someone)"Can you do it in a whisper?"
Sheeba: "No!"

And while Sheeba is moving her lips at Hear-No-Evil: "Don’t interject in my conversation with negativity or you get the hand!" and she puts her hand an inch in front of Christy’s face. See... Christy made the mistake of asking Jeanne what sorta stuff people were saying after dark and when she heard about the Idol thing and she commented on it... and Sheeba overheard. WTF? You nasty nasty nasty evil blister of a woman... take a fucking pill.

Most Memorable Moment
How the fucking hell did Christy hold herself back from grabbing Joanna’s hand, and kicking the snot out of that total wack-job? When Joanna went off on Hear-no-evil I expected horns to shoot out of her overbearing, ignorant freak-show forehead. If Christy had slapped that hand away and kicked Queen Sheba in the snatch the camera men would have dropped their cameras to start clapping. Yo! Joanna... it’s pretty hard to "talk to the hand" when your hand is hacked off with a machete while your sleep.

Jaburu - girls - XX
Camp Shaboomi is like the land of the sloth. No shit... Christy comes back from harvesting palm fronds and asks for a volunteer to help her do something about shelter... The reply? The gang of them extend their prehensile tails and dig in for a little more snooze time. This about tears it for Hear-No-Evil and she goes off... but only a little. Certainly enough to tell them to screw off when they ask her to do something.

It’s day four (4!!!!!) and this is clearly no Lord Of The Flies scenario. They barely have enough shelter to keep the fire lit in the rain. Torrential rains hit and their just standing there like so many mannequins... they look like a Macy’s Window Display "Sucking At Survivor: The Spring Line."

They are gonna starve... bottom line. There is no camp... they laughably give some sound bites talking about cabin design and conclude with "an A Frame would probably be best." Hahaha... mmmk... why don’t you ask Joanna to hold her breath till that’s done.

They do manage to have a girly moment, running the "dead right" flag up the pole when they find a granola bar that has obviously fallen out of someone’s pack. I mean, they’re eating maggot infected burnt rice, so what do they do? They spear the granola bar with a stick and BURN IT. No really... I’m not making this up. I’m guessing maybe there is some rule that if you get caught eating contraband food you get kicked out. They do manage to make a nice big issue out of the bar trying to get the guilty girl to fess up. Miss Sticky Panties tells us she saw it in Janet’s pack, something Janet vehemently denies, not that it does her any good.

Tambaqui - boys - XY
"It would suck to be outside right now." So comments Rob in a heavy down pour that the boys can sit out in their little shelter. They’ve figured out how to make little pancakes out of the rice and they’re staying dry. Of course, they still cannot pull their team-work shit together for love or money.

Rob is playing the game... thank god, and we get a sound bite of him commenting on the argument between Alex and Roger talking Homosexuality trash. Roger is a typical Archie Bunker stereotype with his bigotry and homophobia... He’ll sink himself with that shit soon. Rob is just waiting for the right time to align himself in a place where there can be a clear loser... and Roger will be that loser.

Reward Challenge
Grab yer partner, spin her around, touch yer elbows and kiss the ground.
Yessireee... it’s the blindfold square-dance game. One "caller" stands on a box and directs his or her blindfolded teammates in pursuit of scattered puzzle pieces. When they’ve got all the pieces, it’s off with the blindfold and "assemble the puzzle" time. Now, I’m trying to ignore the significance of Dom Jeff’s choices... Handcuffs last week, Blindfolds this week... but, yes, I’m expecting dripping hot wax on nipples next week.

The boys are being called by Butch... and he is a total moron. I mean, the guys are tripping over logs, picking up the girls puzzle pieces, and yelling at Butch. It was pretty funny actually. The girls were being "called" by Queen Sheeba and her big mouth managed to get the job done. Hell, she could prol’y fit the Immunity Brown Baby head in that mouth of hers but the imagery would be unshakable so forget that... The girls get their puzzle together first and they win a bottle of fish bait. Jeff makes every effort to ensure that they realize fishing is a breeze with this bait. As it turns out, the girls are not gonna be guest’ing on any Saturday morning Cable Fishing Shows. They should maybe just eat the bait.

Watching the boys deal with losing again was priceless... They’re moaning about how much "pressure" they’re under... ahahahaha... They’ll all make their fortune in Viagra ads next year.

Immunity Challenge
This time it’s a mental game and while I fully expected the girls to win it... alas... ear wax. They have a minute to take a good look at a "typical Amazon village hut" then answer questions testing their memory. Boys? Memory? Who’d have thunk. All I could think about was all the clues in the "typical hut" for them to take away as clues to surviving in the jungle. There was a skillet cooking rice flap jacks, hut design, water catchers, blah blah blah...

The boys answered a couple of early ones and paved the way to their first victory. I swear they are in a totally non-zero-sum-game. They cannot win for trying. When they lose, they are losing to girls... when they win, they are winning against girls... Either way, their overabundance of Testosterone is gonna leave them feeling flat.

Evil Do'er
Personally, I hope it comes out that Jeff put the granola bar in the girls camp but the chances are slim... This leaves Queen Sheeba of the Hand as the evil do’er this week.

Eye Candy
Well, besides some grasping-at-straws moment of the camera looking down Heidi’s shirt there is no eye candy this time. I mean, no... nothing. But that’s just paving the way for next week... with previews of naked girls holding their boobs (unfortunately, their own boobs). Given how little food the girls are getting, I’m a little worried the hardly dressed episode will have a concentration camp feel to it. We’ll see next week.

It’s Rob against the world. The boys didn’t get much air time this week so who knows. As for the girls... they are all over the map, totally disoriented in their collective effort. There is little to no chance that they have it together ‘nuf to pull out an alliance of any kind at this stage.

The Pit
Bad Jeff... Bad! He pits (pun, yeah...) the girls against Christy by calling her on the issues of them treating her like a bag of shit. He even comments on Stinky Panties body language, who goes on to exercise both of her brain cells in making her mouth open and close. Sadly nobody was there to stick anything in her mouth so she didn’t have anything productive to do. Christy gets her moment say’en it like it is and the girls all act like they’re sweetness and light... then vote Janet off. HA! Actually, they voted all over the place, giving Christy, Jean and Jenna a vote each and then sinking the Maggot eater. Janet’s exit speech was beautiful... she tells other women of advanced years thinking they can do something like this to get their hair done instead... hahahaha... I’m telling ya it’s 19freaking60 here.

Two things...
~ it’s all about showing some skin next week... I’m hoping for screen caps.
~ the preview includes a note about how the women just can’t get "camp shaboomi together". Big surprise there...

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  • shiver

    You know that shiver you get through your shoulder blades and down your back when you feel cold. Maybe you’ve just left the restaurant and you’re…

  • selfie

    as I read and read and read about "Selfies"... I quietly say to myself... "um... yeah, tell me again how selfies are a new thing." lol. :)

  • Monday, February 17, 2014

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