Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

Survivor VI Update!!!


Survivor VI : Update


Bottom Line: Boyz is Dumb




Wherein we meet the sound-bite boy and girl... and get all our "first impressions" sewn up. (this one's long... the rest will be shorter)



Intro: I write these to get my kicks... If I offend you with the way I write... feel free to say so... but don’t expect me to change anything... mmk. If you like this stuff... comment!!! The feedback sure makes it more fun to do.

Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Please place your strategies here, and jump overboard... it’s a new game. Boys to the left and girls (if you can untie the knot) to the right. Thank you, now please prepare to suffer. The boys, in a not-surprising burst of bravado, dance towards the sunset rejoicing in their overconfidence while the girls wash their panties instead of building shelter. While the girls realize how completely fucked they are the boys build for Rodeo Boulevard. Deena reaches for the crown, Roger tries to avoid it and Jeff sits back on his barca-lounger at the crew camp holding his inflamed hernia from laughing his evil little ass off. It’s immunity time with locks and keys and boys that never learned to walk the curb on the road to grade school. Janet my be crying but the girls tasted a decidedly sweet victory over the captains of confidence, paving the way for Ryan to carry the loser banner out of the Pits of Dispair.

The Darwin Moment!
Easily, the most idiotic moment of the show was THE ENTIRE THING. OH MY GOD!!!!! A complete exercise in reviewing the worst stereotypes possible in the gender wars. Equal opportunity activists across the continent are busy stocking up on extra packages of Depends. The women are a complete waist of air and the boys are about as juvenile as you can get and still be allowed to drive a motor vehicle.

Ok... I’ll try to narrow it down to one specific moment. How ‘bout; Deena probably should have hacked Jenna to death the minute she started washing her stinky panties in the food pot.

Best Quotes
Roger: "They don’t have the strength". The first moment of player talk in the show... kinda set the pace.

Daniel: "There is no way they’re gonna beat us at anything." You steroid infected, short little twit.

Butch: "Be careful with those machetes. They can kill you." Excuse me? Machetes don’t kill, people kill... People with Machetes... now go ahead and treat these 20-somethings’ like grade nine students some more...

Jenna: *(who had all together toooo many fine moments of dialogue to fully recount here) "We can’t use any of our womanly powers... with other women, they’ll just be insulted. I mean, with men, you can manipulate them better." NAIL - HEAD... so your strategy was tucked inside your bikini top with that lil bag of saline huh.

Rob: "They are prol’y trying to build a cell phone so they can call their boyfriends to come and help."
- and -
"The camp of the Vagina Monologues". His reference to the girls camp, of course...
He’s full of p&v about how bad things must be for the girls... but he really keeps talking like he spends way too many nights porn hunting on the net, so the sound bites may get old fast. We’ll see... he has a few qualities that make him likeable (saying he will lie and cheat makes him likeable... how fucked is that?)

Roger: "I think we went in a little too cocky." Ahhh... a master of understatement.

Ok, one more from Jenna: "I told Heidi she can show ‘em her boobs to distract ‘em." Jenna is like a little lost puppy in this game... she’s trolling hard for some way to work her only muscle and it’s going to be hard. Considering that she’s not all that to start with, and her microscopic volume of body fat will quickly be consumed as they wait for the pizza delivery guy.

Most Memorable Moment
mmk. Personally, the most memorable moment was watching Christy wiping away tears after the girls split on her... they were edited to look as though they totally diss’ed her because of her hearing disability. In the dark, a lip reader is basically struck deaf. I’m suspecting that her likely development of other senses to make up for the lack of hearing will make her invaluable in the games that will be played here... I think I decided to hate every last one of the incompetent bitches when I saw them ignoring her. We’ll see.

Jaburu - girls - XX
They kinda got off to a bad start watching Shawna try desperately to untie their boat from the barge while the boys paddled away. They found camp, and began to sort themselves out. Camp Shaboomi is gonna be weak bro... girls may be smart, but even Deena-The-Neck kept getting her machete stuck in logs as they hacked away at the flora hoping for a tree house to pop out.

The girls spent day one wandering in a daze trying to make fire, which didn’t show till well after full dark and ended up sleeping on the ground... with the spiders!!! They got all girly killing a tarantula (and note that most guys would be getting "all girly" killing a tarantula too).

Christy tells them that she is deaf right off the bat and you could just see the judgments going down. Mindless swimsuit model girl is about as useful as a vcr remote control out here but yet they judge a physically powerful and obviously hard working woman like Christy. Bah! Screw them. I hope Christy woops their collective asses.

When they get the first logs down to frame a sleeping platform, Jenna (mindless swimsuit girl) uses it to hang their freshly washed (in the food pot btw) panties and buffs... They have nowhere to sleep yet, or shelter from the rain (RAINFOREST!!!) but she’s got time to wash her panties... because, as she says "things can live in there...". I’m thinking she’s got a closet full of Monostat at home. (I think I’ll call her stinky panty girl instead of mindless swimsuit girl) Let’s all make little Jenna voodoo dolls and give ‘em all UTI’s for fun ... mk.

Janet... the token "older woman" has a mental breakdown after a night on the ground with all this "I didn’t realize it would be this hard"... Um... How many times did someone say "Amazon Rain Forest" to you ... geezus. She totally gets down with her self pity and left me hoping they offer up some prozac in a reward challenge.

They are gonna starve. They don’t wanna eat the high protein pump-you-up food CBS gave ‘em and they can’t really fish... although they did catch a little silver fish that they (get ready) cooked in EDIBLE MASSAGE OIL... but only after Joanna wound off this long winded God’s Gonna Love Me For This prayer. Enjoy your religion yo, but shut the fuck up and let the others eat their disgusting sea booger of a snack (and that’s all it was... a freaking little sick booger in a pan). Only Deena-The-Neck and the Mrs. Prozac have enough body fat to make it past two days of no food.

Tambaqui - boys - XY
Well after the debacle at Camp Shaboomi I was half expecting the cameras to switch over to the boys and find the Swiss Family Robinson tree house completed...

Not so... however the boys in Camp Testosterone have managed to build a descent lean-to. They didn’t even set the forest on fire with their Kerosene enabled firestart... Oh, and Roger has no sense of smell. Minor note, but it’ll come back I’m sure. I’m hoping for a challenge with a "Drink the wine, not the pee" thing that he ends up anchor on. He prol’y wouldn’t even mind hang’en with Jenna and her stinky panties.

The boys open their "meager supply" crate and find machetes. Butch, the high school principal warns them that the machetes will kill them (wtf?) while the other guys grin at this statement. He (Butch) is gonna be a pain in the ass... I can just feel it.

Daniel and Ryan manage to get labeled as the lazy boys, mostly because between the two of them they couldn’t reason their way out of public restroom... every time they saw a sign on a door that said "Pull" they’d ram their hands in their pants... whatever... they’re idiots.

The boys are divided along very clear lines... half of them want to be in boot camp because that’s prol’y what makes ‘em hard... while the rest are about 15 years old and really expected to get laid in the Amazon. Rob, the little geeky boy brought a "magic 8 ball" and thinks it will be all fun and games. I can only keep praying we don’t see him with his shirt off... he’s got a pair of man boobs that are quite pronounce and ever since Fight Club (movie) I really can’t handle that. Maybe if he makes it to the merge he can borrow a bra...

The boys are no better off when it comes to food, however they have plenty of body fat to internally combust before they go snakey, and besides, they have Dave... the Rocket Scientist that cannot tell a lie. (he gave ‘em all shit about lying to the girls about catching fish... Rocket scientists, I suppose, are not much good at head games.)

Immunity Challenge
Perfect!!! Tie everybody up and lock them together... Dom Jeff is in good form. The game was for the gang to rush through this obstacle course overcoming physical and mental challenges to acquire keys and break bulk. The girls started totally falling apart on a code puzzle but, thankfully, the boys cannot walk a balance beam worth shit. No really ... you had to see this... big beefy steroid poppers inching along, straddling the log and they still manage to fall off...

The girls manage to catch up, overtake and win... with a hearty "Heidi doing anything with her arms up in the air" moment getting the final key. (see Eye Candy). The girls win, and the boys are laid so amazingly low by this I wanted to sing. :)

The prize? Well immunity of course, but the Immunity Idol is this little statue thing that looks just like a circa 1960 brown baby play doll... you know, the Aunt Jemima era dolls.

Evil Do'er
The whole Shaboomi tribe for being bitches to Christy.

Eye Candy
Well now... where to start... I mean, before they all go Rake from not eating. Heidi is the uber cute girl... who’s Bio on the CBS web site listed her occupation as a Lingerie Sales Rep up until yesterday, when she mysteriously became a Phys Ed teacher. She’s got the blond fly away hair, boobs and a good boob to hip ratio etc... which will all turn to shit after a week... She’s sound bite girl. Lots of camera time. You can bet the cameras will record and play back for us, plenty of Heidi running, Heidi reaching, and Heidi bending over. Just watch.
Shawna is the cute lil’readhead and we’ll see plenty of her.
Now... dig this... Janet, Jeanne, Jenna and Joanna. WTF? How are we supposed to keep ‘em straight?

The boys? Well Ryan was a cutie according to some... but he’s dead now isn’t he. Hahaha... whos that leave... forget man-boob boy, he can do a good Eminem but that vanishes the moment he goes profile... and besides... the boobs!!! Ug. I’m guessing Dave will be the throb monster for the double-X viewers - and if you all get ga-ga for Matthew, know that I think you’re sick! Lol!

Alliance
The girls will all be one happy family until Aunt Flow gets ready to show... then it’ll be just freaking priceless... The boys are divided up the middle but we need more show time to figure out who’s with who.

The Pit
Well they have this great Stone Arch leading into the Tribal Council zone... but, it’s lunch bag let down when, under the Arch we find nothing more complicated than a fire pit and some logs. (Survivor Thailand had the best council chamber!).

Jeff really went to town at the pit... it was great. He leads the boys to the trough and lets the choke on their own foolishness... "So" asks Jeff, "what do you think of the girls?" hahaha... off goes Ryan with "All of them have unique qualities..." Jeff actually breaks out laughing at this... He lets Man-Boob boy hang himself with how hot he thinks Heidi is before he lets off with "You guys are out here in the jungle competing for a million dollars and your thinking about hooking up? This is why you are in really big trouble." The Testosterone may be boiling in these guys but the semen all drained out of ‘em with that crack. But semen being semen... it'll come back.

The votes went down and it was between Ryan and Roger. Roger was rather bossy but compare bossy to Lazy-dip-shit and you guessed it... Ryan is officially on his Amazon Vacation in the Cast(off) Trailer.

Two things...
~ Why the hell did they not fry idiot boy Daniel? Was it just because he’s and all beef sammich? Or what?
~ CBS is presetting us for show elements associated with freedom from clothing... expect lots of little fuzzy smudges on the screen.


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  • shiver

    You know that shiver you get through your shoulder blades and down your back when you feel cold. Maybe you’ve just left the restaurant and you’re…

  • selfie

    as I read and read and read about "Selfies"... I quietly say to myself... "um... yeah, tell me again how selfies are a new thing." lol. :)

  • Monday, February 17, 2014

    Hiya. :) Today was one of those “oh look… LJ is still there” days. Oh how I miss the old days when LJ was pretty much a playground filled with my…