Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

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Final Survivor 5 Update!!!


Survivor V : Final Update


What's my name bitch! (Slap!)




Wherein we are tortured with the final, predictable moments of Survivor Thailand... otherwise known as the Southeast Asian Yawn Fest. There's a couple of Immunity challenges... that are predictably resolved, a "look who you beat" memory moment, with Tonya barfing so big you'd swear she was gonna turn inside out, and the ever popular "I hate you, and your mother dresses your funny" jury session. We end with a winner... and not a word of a lie, the winner was just the person that the jury hated least. With that, we kiss goodbye the weekly opening credits moment of Erin’s left boob.

Oh, and they had the "reunion" show... with plumper, cleaned up versions of everybody.



Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
It's all a bunch of review... hence my pleasure at seeing Rob getting bit by that stingray again. We see Ma Kettles ramming her finger down her throat in the first 5 minutes and then it's a race for the final two with two Challenges. Porno-boy and Bilbo shake hands all mysterious like then it's the Omni Obstacle race, which Porno wins by a mile. Off to the Out House where Katie Clipboard takes one in the back. They paddle-down-memory-lane via an improbably long paddle for starving white folk then a final challenge. This is the famous "get real tired, crawl into hot cave, stand in sado-masocist'esque rack" Thai endurance test. Although Bilbo almost bursts a vein or two, Ma Kettle caves - predictably - first, and Porno, yet again, walks. See ya Jan. The Jury deal is an "eat shit and die you bastards" parade of unhappy people and the votes are cast. We time warp to a studio with slightly plumper versions of the final two as Porno-boy takes the million.

The Darwin Moment!
Total Darwin with Jan and Helen not talking. The first Immunity cum Out House event culminates with pathetic predictability because Jan and Helen, like sheep before the axe, are manipulated by the boys. If Jan had just asked Helen what was up, they would have easily opted to both vote for Clay and then it would have been up to random balls or some other tie breaker, but nooooooooo! So it's Helen voting for Jan, and the boys both voting for Helen.

Best Quotes
"So, to the three of you that are left... Break a Leg, and I mean it!"... the beginning of Helens angry time. :D

While reviewing Tree Mail hints at a challenge;
Brian: "well, that's obvious"
Helen: "what?"
Brian: "huh, what?"
Then a lump of pooh falls out of Porno-boy's ear and we worry that the very last shred of mental power has left his body.

"You are the epitome of the trashy used car salesman." ... Helen, still wallowing in her angry time.

"You ignorant racist southern hillbilly." This would be night stick busy getting it wrong again, but doing it with a full belly and all the hypocrisy of any angry black man lashing out at perceived racism. He wanted to tear a strip off Clay on the say so of a remarkably pissed off Helen... "hello? Earth to Ted...." sheesh.

Penny: "WHAT'S MY NAME BITCH!" .... Ok ok... she didn't actually say that.. but her jury question was totally there.

Most Memorable Moment
Look, during the show... nothing happened... nothing exciting... nothing really memorable... although the retread of Tonya throwing up was just amazing... (she's really "screen-less garden faceting" a tummy full of something wet, blech.)
If I had to choose it would have to be when Ma Kettle slips on the balance beam (see Omni Obstacle)... I thought for sure she had broken her hip or something and then Jeff would have had to shoot her.
Oh wait... there was this one moment. At the beginning of the first Immunity Challenge we see Jeff... and he is totally android like in his close shave, hair cut and coloured, botox injection face look. Icky. I can imagine that they wanted to get him looking as close as he could to how he'll look back at the studio for the big stooopid ruse when he "reads the votes".

Now the Reunion had the memory maker in it. Jeff's talking about how the Survivors all had to make judgments about one another because they only had first impressions to go on... and comments on the notion that even CBS gets the wool pulled over their collective eyes. He asks "Where was this girl?" and then they roll tape on Stephanie’s (the fire fighter girl) audition tape. HA! She's all bummed because she was so sick and so bent out of shape in the game that she never got to shine. Her tape included her doing a strip tease with the bent over lingerie ass shot, naked Steph with goofy fake teeth eating local flora, and then a moment of her standing naked knee deep in water (little blurry parts over her boobs) holding a fish against her beaver saying "Eat this fish!" (woah... sushi!)

Tiramisu
Oh what a wonderful happy place... Basically the show winds down with the campers either plotting to back stab each other or making ceremonial lotus blossom Thai funeral pyres to be set adrift on the "memory lane" canoe ride (things called "grathong" or something like that... had "thong" in it..., which, considering Ma Kettle and Katie Clipboards condition, is the only place the word thong should have shown up in this show.)

When it's down to the final two, we watch Brian and Clay burn all their shit in the boat... and the boat along with it... I'm betting they expected to set the burning boat adrift but the fifty staffers arranged on the "secluded beach" prol'y put a stop to that. So we watch it burn. I was kinda hoping Jeff would show up to say "hahaha.... the million was stashed in the hull of the boat." but, alas, earwax.

Immunity Challenge
Omni Obstacle
This is a deal with a little bit of all the other obstacle course challenges thrown together. In notably includes a balance beam, a move-the-little-boxes-around puzzle and eating a big ol'deep fried scorpion. Bilbo got an early lead on the whole deal but totally chokes on the puzzle. Helen and Jan cannot manage to cross the balance bean without several spazzy wipeouts and Porno-boy slams back the bug. Oh and we get the whole soft-core porn star thing for him after seeing his tongue calisthenics when Jeff asks for the "show me your empty mouth" bit at the end. Winner, Brian.

Suffer You Fucking Losers
I can just see Jeff rubbing his hands together snickering as he goes over the plan for this one with the crew. After this ridiculously long paddle down memory lane, that the starving losers cannot have possibly completed under their own power, they go deep into this hot hot hot cave and have to stand in these contraptions with their hands in a wooden shackles, palms up and their legs bent to account for their heads being wedged in another sorta-shackle thing and keep a grip on coins positioned between each knuckle of the outstretched hands. It was like a wooden frame torture rack. Last one with a coin in their hand - and don't move while we wait for the coins to drop - is the winner. I expected Jan to die the minute he finished explaining it. They all assume the positions and after less than 15 minutes Clays body is showing signs of alarming circulation failures. Veins are popping an inch out of his shaking legs... it was kinda gross. It was all set up to be dramatic as coin after coin fell into these steel woks, but no. Jan caves, when she really looked not as bad off as Clay... dropping all her coins at once to quit... followed seconds later by Clay who couldn't stand another moment. They should have convinced idiot Brian that he had to stay like that... but when he realized Clay was out, he dropped 'em too. Winner, Brian. (you seeing a pattern here yet?)

Evil Do'er
Well Jan and Helen are too dim to be actually evil and besides, Brian and Clay have the evil thing all wrapped up. It's kind of a cross between school yard bully evil and standard Joseph Mengela stuff... I got a real Aryan Nation vibe from Brian when he was telling Jan "It's not your turn." The both of them are just total slime... Bilbo seems to come by it naturally while Porno-boy just seems to have decided to stop being a pool boy and try his hand at Dr. Evil.

Eye Candy
ick.
Well, there was the reunion show where Steph and Tonya both looked like 20 something versions of Avril Lavigne and soon-to-be-in-Playboy Erin got to talk about her boobs. Oh and Penny has an unbelievably attractive smile... I mean, she's slime, but still.

Alliance
Brian and Clay and that hand shake.

The Out House
This was the Jury show. The first Out House trip was a big surprise for Helen and the second trip tossed Jan, but it was the Jury Show that held all the fun. This was the Jury asking questions to decide which weasle to give a million too and you could see that they'd rather be giving it to a Nigerian Spam Mail Scammer.

Notable moments were Ted making his digs at Clay and Helen having a shit attack on being tossed out. She ended up voting for Brian because Clay was "more" of a dick. Clay had to tell her to sit down 'cause he had nothing to say to her... hahaha... And Penny! Penny voted on who remembered her useless details like sibling names, home town, etc. Blech. Ken tried to call out Brian on some lie, but, hello... this is the lying game yo. Get a grip... One Million Dollars (baby finger in mouth).

They picked Brian over Clay in a 4 to 3 vote... so it was close.
Two things...
~ Survivor Amazon is next... and they mentioned February as a start time.
~ Ghandia looked like she sold the house to get made up for the Reunion.

Ok... that's a wrap.

Thanks. :D
I’ve really enjoyed the feedback from doing these updates.
You make it worth doing.

See ya in Feb.
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