Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

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Survivor 5 Update!!!


Survivor V : Update


Et Tu Brutus




Wherein the gloves come off (and the silk jammies go on) with alliance land. Chevrolet drops a bundle, the beefy black guy gets drunk (and a Trailblazer) , and little thai bunnies give a couple of losers a rub down... like that never happens. It's a lurch toward the finish now and, of course, that's all about who can get the knife into someones back faster.



Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
"It's all about who's the best skater... and I got my skates." comments Porno boy and the back stabbing episode begins. The show starts with a 30 second segment of ants, stingrays, crabs and lizards locked in death battles... and yeah, we get the point. They get a mirror and act stupid, then they all plot to fry Clay. Reward is an utter disgrace to human intellegence everywhere and Ted ends up with a new car, a full belly, and a hangover but gets a massage from a little Thia date. Immunity is a puzzel and Brian solves it first... then The Night Stick gets to join the Jury.

The Darwin Moment!
Ok ROAD is spelled R. O. A. D. Your little momentary dislexic episode cost you a S.U.V., you porno twit. (see reward challenge)

Best Quotes
"You're not gonna believe the wrinkles on my face." So... this is Bilbo getting a look in a mirror for the first time in 34 days. The excitement obviously shorted out the mental connections that used to mean he realized everybody else has been looking at him on a daily basis.

"Now I kinda look like a stick figure." Here we have Ma Kettle... where'd she come up with "kinda"?? The "walking man" on a cross-walk light has more girth than she does... Jan has actually consumed her own ass through osmossis - no small feat - and now sports a lovely pair of bamboo legs that end at her rib cage. Can you just see her shopping for support-hose after this show?

"Helen and I are really tight." No Jan! Nothing on you is tight. And Helen will drown you like an unwanted kitten the first chance she gets.

"One look is all it took. I still look fat." Oh my fucking god! Helen is obviously poster-girl material for the soon to be established CBS Survivor Eating Dissorder Clinic and Convolscent Care Facility. Bones, skin, and a wee bit of tortured tissue calling itself Helen says this when she gets a look at herself in a full lenght mirror.

"I'm not drunk... Am I drunk?" and "Helen, I love you." and "My body is drunk, but my mind... my mind is clear." ... yessiree... that's the liquor talking there Ted. Mr. Night Stick ties a few on during his reward challenge and very clearly demonstrates why we now know that he will one day die behind the wheel of an automobile.

Most Memorable Moment
Hands down... the single most memorable moment for this series occured tonight. A month from now... when I have joined everyone else on the planet in completely forgetting everyone on this show, let alone who won, I will still be able to clearly see on the canvas of my minds eye the group of total half whits taking off in search of the first "letter" in the Reward Challenge. (again, see reward challenge).

Tiramisu or Chewy-Jai or whatever
Camp is basically several different places you can "be" while acting like an idiot. Ted and Helen writing in the sand with a stick and being "silent" a meter away from Clay, who is lying in the dirt with his back to them. Like he doesn't know! Oh and they continue to boil a pot with water and anything that doesn't run away from them, like its food. No way in hell any of them are smart 'nuf to have remembered anything the red-barets told 'em was edible.

Reward Challenge
Bilbo checks tree mail and finds a full length mirror and a package with little framed pictures of each surviving survivor. There's some reference to the pending game in there but it's ignored while the bone patrol flexes remaining tissue with disgusting pride and in a pitiful display of typical western cultural lunacy deem "worthy" their skin, sinue, bone physiques. It was sickening.

They are playing for a shower, a meal, a massage, a comfy bed and a Chevy Trailblazer. Basically sweet relief for a tortured body and an advertising bonanza for CBS. Heir Jeff makes a point of shoving the stearing wheel around while driving through the surf. I was waiting for a little white letter, hard to read, disclaimer saying "Do not attempt! Stunt is performed by a professional sick-twisted-sadistic-little-man."

The game is a treasure hunt deal to unearth, untie or otherwise acquire these letters and in scrabble style arrange the squares to form a word pair. Now the "memorable" part of this was that Jeff makes a real point of saying "Survivors Ready? You are standing on the First Letter..." (this being the second time the gang was told that the first letter to find was under the box they start the game standing on). Then he says "Go!"... and they all take off running away from the podium they were standing on. Not a single one of them went for the first letter... not one! Jeff had to cajole them back to the podium. Even after the first couple of people had turned around and run back through the people behind them, Jeff still had to haggle with them about why they really ought to turn around GO THE OTHER FUCKING WAY. It was just unbelievably classic.

Any ways, after much frogging around, Porno Boy gets the letter grouping and word "RAOD TRIP" on his giant scrabble letter holder and calls Jeff over and says "I got it... It's Road Trip!" Jeff says "bite me" (well, not his words), and then Ted goes mental fixing "road trip" on his and wins the game. Brian even had the majumbles to get all pissy that Ted didn't thank him for giving him the answer.

Ted gets to pick a buddy and picks Helen. After they toodle down the beach in his new S.U.V. they pig out on rich, spicy food... hahahha... (I can only freaking imagine how bad the "toilet by the front of the cave" was smelling the next day.) and then Ted subjects Helen to several hours of his not being able to handle a wine buzz. When the four foot nothing massage-slash-attendants get the silk-jammie wearing loud mouth down for a rub, I expected them to start snapping his fingers for shits and giggles.

They bring much food and wine back to the starving white folk and are immediately assulted with the reality that it simply does not pay to let the hungy wolves plot in your absence. Clay, by the way, is right and proper jealous with a capital J about Ted winning the reward.

Immunity Challenge
Immunity was a puzzel game. Hurry up and grab the ten puzzel pieces and fit them in place on a stair thing to climb said stair thing and get the ugly necklace. Brian says "thank you sir" to Jeff when he puts the necklace on him and that sorta scares me.

Evil Do'er
Bilbo should have been called Gimli or whatever... because he's a little freaking Troll. Everybody else did something to earn a spot at the Dr. Evil podium, but those were all part of the game. Like Brian totally turning on Ted to cast him out of paradise... totally understandable. Clay, however, just has serial murder'en, father rape'en, kiddy-porn evil blazing out of his eyes. He didn't so much actually do anything, 'cept just owning those beady little bastard eyes.

Eye Candy
Shut up!

Aliance
Ceasar was at a picnic compared to a day with these guys. Jan and Helen think they have an alliance. Brian and Helen think they have an alliance, and Brian and Clay think they have an alliance. I'm sure Clay prol'y thinks he has an alliance with Helen... basically they're all just stupid and it shows. Enough said.

The Out House
We are lead to believe it's either Clay or Ted on the block and in the end, the once and soon to return to being fat boy Ted is tossed. Clay does his very best evil lear as his name is NOT read and then there were four.

Two things...
~ next week is some kind of marathon three hour show. The big finalle - and, it almost feels like a chore to watch - is next week with a "reunion show" to follow the two hour show. "No singing and dancing... just answers to questions you've been asking." or so says Jeff.
~ If Jan wins, she better be doing "Depends" tv spots inside of six months.
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