Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless
corto

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Survivor 5 Udate!!!


Survivor V : Update


Careful... She’s gonna Blow!




Wherein skinny white folk and a scary night stick boy prove that the meek shall indeed inherit the earth... the meek, malnourished, emaciated, and mostly dead looking, that is.. Oh and Dom Jeff gets to torture new blood...



Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Sleeping on the pee stains at the mouth of the bat cave, our mostly dead troop of ugly people are about to watch their loved ones be tortured... and they will all urge the torture on and cheer their sickening pain. Bilbo blows a gasket at the old Perv Jake just for the fun of it and then it's on to Reward... er... a disgusting "eat gross things" game with a twist. Jeff has brought everyone’s "loved one" to the island. Notably, Teds loved one is not his wife but rather his bro. A day of Helens hubby gagging on camp Chuay Jai and then Immunity is played with the "loved ones". Build a cube and save yer knob. Theodore Night Stick takes the prize... and Jake gets his skinny ass kicked outta there.

The Darwin Moment!
That would have to be booty girl (Porno Boys porn star wife) eating a tablespoon of ants... I mean... she had to know going into it that she wouldn't be down with the rest of the gross out eats so why even bother with a fist full of totally sickening ants?

Best Quotes
"I miss him so much, but I can't eat that!" This is booty girl saying no to chowing down on a giant water beetle (no, really... it was frick'en huge... 3 inches long). Now you gotta know that he's prol'y said as much while filming his soft core porn movies... although it prol'y sounded more like "I miss her so much, but YO! I'm eating that!"

"Clay’s out for Clay... and he'll cut your throat to get to the million." Helen commenting on Bilbo... and, er...well d'uh. Repeat after me... ONE MILLION DOLLARS (and try to sound like Dr. Evil when you do it.)

"I gotta plan... a big plan." Porno boy talking to his booty girl wife... and you thought he was talking about the game.

"Do it... DO IT NOW." Um... that would be Helen ordering her husband to eat a ginormous boiled tarantula. Somehow I get the feeling she would have made a good concentration camp commandant... I can see her ordering people stuffed into the ovens and whatnot.

Most Memorable Moment
See memory is an odd thing... because most of the time... there are classic moments in the show that stand out... now all I can see in my minds eye from last nights show is Jan... Ma Kettle standing (or sitting) and looking for all the world like she’d died about two weeks ago and in a very Keith Richards like moment of zen, just forgot to lie down.

Tiramisu
Ok... they simply refuse to call the tribe by the name they gave it when the merge went down... CBS keeps flashing "Chuay Jai" on the screen with the day count...
Life in camp-loser is all about being a pecker to Jake on his last couple of days except when Katie Clipboard wins the reward challenge and gets to have her hubby/slave man stay with her for 24 hours. She makes him go get water with her and she shows him around camp.
"This is where we all pee and then complain about the smell."
"This is the boiled garbage we call food."
"Oh, and over here... this is the dirt pile that I wedge my ass into to sleep.
And we all pretty well just sit in little dents in the sand watching the camera men run around the rest of the time while we wait for the next challenge."

Ok... look... We have Jake... who shuffles like a convalescent patient in a geriatric ward, Helen – who appears to be on some form of adrenaline rush and Bilbo who is looking more and more like a cartoon character. Then Brian, getting rail thin and still looking like he has absolutely no idea where he is. ("Christ! Am I outside?") Then there’s Ted... who’s lost plenty of fat leaving a leaner, healthier looking smarmy, ass slapping, night stick grinding scary bastard... and finally Jan... ~ shudder ~ I cannot find the words to properly express how freaking scary it is to see that empty bag of skin dangled over a mostly human skeleton walking and talking... she keeps raising her arms up and when she does, everything just sloshes down her arm-bag to her shoulder.
Bottom line? These people are fucking scary. No wonder Jeff has so much fun torturing them.

Reward Challenge
So Heir Jeff, dark-lord-of-the-sith-take-two, fly’s everybody’s wife or husband in from America (although... not Ted’s wife... she stays away and sends Ted’s brother) as a potential reward. The challenge winner gets to spend 24 hours with his or her loved one. Then Jeff mentions the game is all about consumption and we get the clue that it has to do with eating gross stuff... to the gang is getting primed. They are so freakishly hungry that they went TOTALLY MENTAL when the tree-mail announcing the game came with about a third of a cup of rice. They would eat anything... but would their loved ones?

The game: Line up yer loved ones and cheer ‘em on as Dom Jeff feeds them course after course of the most sickening, barfalicious yuck known to man. Fail to eat, or not eat quick ‘nuf and you are out... No hugging your loved one... just go. It starts with a big scoop of fried Ants.... hmmm crunchy. Everybody eats. Then it’s a 3 inch giant water beetle. CeeCee, Porno Boys booty call, is having none of that... and I don’t blame her one bit... watching the others chomp into it and the yellow hellish goo that squirts out the end as they bite just made me wanna blow chunks. The elimination round leaves us with only Jakes wife and Helen’s hubby. They all looked, not surprisingly, like they were gonna blow their collective cookies at several intervals... and I would suggest that they probably did... but ahhh the wonders of the video editing room. Suffice it to say that the last thing Jake saw of his wife was her ass as she bent over a bucket to puke her ever loven guts out. The meals included a three live squirming fat grubs, a boiled tarantula, and a fricking huge boiled scorpion.... crunchy, squirty, and horrific looking. Not as bad as the Blood Drinking Fest on Survivor Africa, but pretty damn close. Oh, and Jakes wife, doing the big mouth open, tongue-out, thing to show she’s swallowed... is going to haunt me. Too bad CeeCee didn’t last longer in this game, because – for sure – she prol’y has the tongue-out "Look, I swallowed" thing down pat.

Helen’s husband gets to spend a night and a day at camp disgusto. Lucky him.

Immunity Challenge
This was kinda stooopid... although everything is kinda stupid in this game huh. The gang is called to the beach and observes a giant pile of colour coded cubic puzzle pieces. You know that "build a cube" brain-teaser-puzzle? Well, this was that. You had to pick a colour and stick to it and build a cube for immunity. Mr. Nice Guy Jeff brings out all the loved ones and ties the twosomes together for the game. This loaded the deck for Ted, because his date for the game was his brother... therefore not an old lady or a whipped husband. Ted wins immunity.

Evil Do'er
Ok... lil’Bilbo butt head is start’en to bug me... I dunno about the rest of you but he’s a waspy little fucker. Helen nails it when the tribe comes back from the previous games tribal council meeting and Clay has a shit attack on Jake about his (Jakes) comment about working hard. Clay is working it as though Jake said he works harder than everyone else... when really, all he was doing was saying he worked harder than Miss Money Penny. Aside from that...well, he’s just seems like he deserves a few good slaps.

Eye Candy
Well CeeCee takes the cake... she’s got the boy-cut shorts on, the wire frame bikini top and face it... she’s a hottie. Oh and if she can do a mouth full of fried ants... well, I’m just say’en...

Now ... if your into necrophilia... and the term "freshly dead" just turns you off... then there’s Ma Kettle...

Alliance
Chewing Gum has eradicated the last of the Sookies with the dismissal of Jake. Now it’s time to begin turning in on themselves. They have managed to grow a good hate on for both Ted and Clay so I’m thinking they’ll be outta there quick. Will Brian’s alliance with Ted hold? What is Brian’s "big plan"?? Is Brian capable of formulating a "big plan"? and how long before Helens supply of black beauties runs out?

The Out House
Jeff waxes on at the out-house about the wonderful experience with the loved ones... as much as forcing your loved ones to eat live grubs can be called "wonderful" then it’s on to the vote. It’s an easy bean this time... with all the votes going to Jake... excepting Jakes... he voted for Jan again.

Two things...
~ it’d have been nice to read a newspaper article about the survivor "loved ones" shanghaie’en Jeff and forcing him to eat dog vomit for a day or two...
~ please tell me why Jan is still in this game? Doesn’t actually dying warrant being taken out of the game? If she wins the money I’m gonna have to hurt something.
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