Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Suvivor 5 Update!!!

Survivor V : Update

It's a Snuff Film

Wherein the tired and pathetic cookie cutters at CBS treat us to the "visa" episode (again) and manage to make me squirm with sarcastic intent. Jake, the old perve, is shunned. Captain Crack Grinder (Ted) slaps his-self a little booty and Porno-boy reminds us that the only thing he can ride with confidence has a boob job.

Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
How the fuck is it that Ma Kettle is still in this game? I mean... shit. Ok, waddeva. Jake, looking worse for wear, shuffles around making too many deals. Ted's losing mass, and bumm’en on getting votes. The Reward Game is like a punishment and Porno wins. Takes Bilbo on an "elephant trek" and gets to pig out. They bring back booty and everyone’s a winner (fucking gag!). Backstabbing and pose'en, lie'en and cheet'en. Ma Kettle is once again, decidedly loopy and then the editors start the "garden path" thing make'en us think Jakes going... Immunity goes to Helen, although I had to ask Z because it was THAT forgettable. Then, of course, they fry Miss Money Penny.

The Darwin Moment!
I dunno, but I'm looking at Brian and thinking that everybody else is going to be voting and they all saw the "shake yer booty" video of Porno-boys house. I think he should of taken a hit on the Reward Challenge and let Bilbo win.

Best Quotes
"oh my god... I need a nipple on top of this." Jan, in all her glory, hose'en back some shrimp soaked beer (don't ask). She's a scary old bird sometimes.

"They were all out there on the beach, like little lost sheep waiting for their masters." Sorry, not buy'en it. Porno-boy can bristle all he likes but he only comes across as a poser.

Most Memorable Moment
A toss up. Jake all alone after the gang pairs off at the beginning of the reward challenge. Yo Jake... take a hint.
:: or ::
Theodore giving a full hand, upward swing, ass slap to Clay. The camera actually noted the sour look on Helen's face as he did this - remembering head case Ghandi.

Ok... they made a big deal about calling the tribe Tiramisu... or whatever they actually called it... and tonight? They kept flashing the “Chewi Jai” name on the screen. No Tira anything. No matter how you slice this, the game is basically the Chewing Gum tribe picking off the Sookies one at a time... and Jake is next. It's like the ultimate revenge of the short bus kids on the Jocks and their chicks.
Brian is rolling around feeling superior but that's because he's the only one on their team that doesn't look like a grown up cabbage patch kid. Oh, and they're sitting around eating the rest of the chicken feed for sustenance - which is totally yuck, by the way.

Reward Challenge
Remember the game in S2 when Scary (I forget her name) won the game and was taken to this "Bar" for a reward... remember how corny the "prop" bar looked? Yeah, well the imagination-less producers of S5 are still making cheesy sets and selling them as some kind of "local colour". The reward challenge is a game that nets the winner a chance to go on an Elephant Ride and then have a big meal afterwards. Jeff whips out the VISA card and tries to make a big deal out of the visa sponsorship but fails to impress.
The game.
Everybody lines up - an odd number of players - and when Jeff says go, they have to pair off in teams of two, leaving someone behind. Jake looked properly slapped as he stood there alone after the whistle blows - he's out. The teams grab these two planks and have to navigate across this standards using the planks as makeshift bridges - fall and start over. First two teams across, advance. The obstacles continue until there's just two left... Bilbo and Porno-boy. Bilbo looses only to be selected by Porno to accompany him on his date with an elephant. Each phase of the game focused on the looser...
Ted is all in a tizzy about Brian not choosing him - thinking maybe the alliance he had with Brian would come into play... I don't blame Brian for a second. Ted is a whack job, and Clay came in second...
Any ways, the reward starts with the two of them taking a boat ride... then a big helicopter ride and then a micro bus ride to this non-place in the middle of nowhere with a table and an elephant. This well fed woman mutters "weccom to da elefant trek" like a she's standing at the gates of Disneyland and gives the two guys a drink... they suck back these drinks commenting on how weird and wonderful it tastes. All I can think is it was elephant piss and the jokes on them.
They take off on this elephant ride with this local dude leading dumbo by the ear. "local guy" keeps wandering ahead and Porno-boy... with a deathgrip on the railing gives "local guy" a hard time. Brian was actually terrified of being on the elephant... while Clay is kicking back doing some serious relaxing. At the end of the ride they are given a huge Thai feast. They chow down and then start filling their canteen with beer and shrimp and stuffing fruit and other sundry bits in their clothes. All to bring back to the camp for the losers to enjoy.

Immunity Challenge
Snuff Snuff Snuff.
Each player gets three tiki torches. Dom Jeff asks them questions about Thailand and they answer by holding up these a,b,c,d,true,false things. Get the answer right... and you get to snuff someone’s torch. Run out of torches? You're out. Last torch burning? Winner. In a pathetic bid to show that she's not Jakes girl, Penny snuff's first and snuffs Jake. All she manages to do is show what a backstabbing wimp she is. When Ma Kettle gets to snuff someone's third torch she looks to Brian for direction and he does this eyeball thing pointing to Penny. Snuff.
Then it's snuff snuff snuff until only Helen is left... She gets the necklace and the game is done.

Evil Do'er
There really isn't anyone with enough mental acuity to be capable of actual evil anymore... unless you count Penny's sad efforts towards avoiding the chop. Her efforts suck and she's chopped... so there ya go.

Eye Candy
Paw-leese. In classic Reality Show style, anybody worth looking at is gone. I'm still bummed they fried Tonya at the beginning. And Porno-boy? What a slime ball...

Well it's down to Ted, Clay, Helen, Jan, Brian, Jake and Penny. The remaining two sookies are basically "dead man walking" around camp waiting for the axe to fall and until that's done we wont get any real play among the actual alliance members... although Ted is starting to worry about his deal with Brian.

The Out House
Boring! I mean really. Jake and Penny both jones for a chance to stay and the jury looks well fed. They all vote off Penny except for Jake who casts a vote for Jan...

Two things...
~ It would be nice if there was a reward of a bottle of liquid E so they could soak a buff and ram it up Ma Kettles butt... then she could get a nipple for her drink and do some serious Rave'en. (barf) (can ya tell I don’t like her much?)
~ Grace getting married was way more fun than this episode of the show... Come on CBS ... get busy and torture these guys.
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