creativeThe Days of Christmas (5)
On the First day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
a pure evil, pure white cat - I called it Satan. Then she left me.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
two grams of pot! She felt awful about the 'leaving' thing and wants me to take her back, so she showed up with a little baggie and brandishing a big ol'hickey I know nothing about! hmmmm...
Oh, and Satan, the dam cat, basically lives under my big comfy chair.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
three tabs of E! and said "lets go dancing." Geez, I said "No, my ankles are bleeding and swollen!" I chucked the E. It turned out that the pot from last night was cat-nip! Satan got into it big time and now the dam cat lunges out from under the comfy chair to claw and bite at the ankles of whoever's sitting.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
Four turtle doves! No, seriously. She thought it was all poetic and from that song… you know about the Days of Christmas. Well she got that wrong - it was "four calling birds". Did you know that 'turtle doves' are basically pigeons! She came in the door and released (RELEASED!) the fucking pigeons in to the apartment. When she saw that I really wasn't into the 'poetry' of the whole thing… and I after correcting her about the 'calling birds' thing, she stormed out.
So Satan, who is stoned all the time now, is hunting the little shit machines all over the place. I can't even find two of them. This blows.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
a night on the town. She came back this morning (another hickey) and when she saw the state I was in - searching for now completely un-locatable birds - she told me to get dressed and dragged me out for dinner and a movie. I gotta say this pumped me up a bit. Then we came home... holy Christ! Satan has managed to catch something besides my ankles. The cat spread the entrails of one totally off'ed pigeon across my apartment like it thinks it's maybe Charles Manson or something. I knew I was gonna loose it when I saw the pigeon poop all over the furniture but dam, the cat has managed to take the concept of vivisectionism to all new heights. I politely asked her to go home and take the hickeys with her, closed the door and vowed to rid my life of unnecessary wild life.