Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Survivor 5 Update!!!

Survivor V : Update

The Fellowship of the Necklace, Special Edition

Wherein we are finally subjected to the merge, the kiddies get their taste of home baked sugar – although porno boy had to break a sweat. The power of numbers is revealed and Jake finally gets his face slapped. Oh, no really now, what-da-ya bet ol’Porno boy beat her silly with an eighteen inch floppy rubber dildo the second he got home?

Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Open with the Chewies sitten around dealing with winner-guilt that turns rather quickly to some serious diss’en on the Sookies. What’s left of Sookie is jonsing hard core for a spot on the buss, but alas that bus has pulled away from the curb. Ol’Jake is just about as full of stories as Katie Clipboard is full of recipes... and Ma Kettle’s pants remain full of something else all together. Helen can sing (no question). Reward is an interesting twist of fate... everybody gets a little sugar from home but Brian’s effort to win the Challenge are rewarded with his cup of sugar runnath-ing over big time as we hear about his two cars and baby grand piano (let alone that shake’en piece of sweet booty). They name the new gold-buff tribe Tiramisu, er... Taratao and the intra-tribal deal making bullshit is flowing fast and furious. They play with numbers and sand to land Bilbo with the golden necklace of power, paving the way for a ex-chewie led vote that puts the Ken Doll on the jury and outta the piss cave.

The Darwin Moment!
I mean... wholly freaken shit yo! Brian Brian Brian... what the hell were you thinking. The gang all gets little moments of the home-spun video visits and then he goes on to "try hard" at winning the Reward Challenge. He could see is porn star wife look’en hot in the video snippet. Then he goes and wins the whole banana... hence the whole tribe gets to watch as she introduces us to his two car garage (Caddy equipped), his baby, his baby grand, and his wife’s oh-so-hot little squeeze monkey of a butt. He prefaced the deal with "If my wife does any thing embarrassing... well, she’s a little crazy." Hahaha... she was prol’y sawing the legs off the baby grand minutes after that aired. They snapped video to Brian as the gang watches her dancing for him in wide wonder... and we see Porno-Boy breaking a sweat big time... I mean, it was beading up on his forehead.... Helen summed it up nicely with "yeah... he needs the money... not!"

Best Quotes
This was kinda fun... the Chewies were diss’en out the Sookies while they waited for them to come home from frying Erin’s’ boy bum from the island.

Helen (doing her impersonation of Penny): "I’m gonna have to stab my friend in the back!" (mock mock mock)

Brian doing Ken: "Put a uniform on and ya get all kinds of Bitches Yo Yo Yo" (and yes... he did say Yo Yo Yo... and you could just imagine Kens hand doing that thumb and baby finger thing).

Somebody’s wife - I think it was Jake - on the video: "When you look up in those stars, you can see me looking down..." er... why? Did you die while he was out here?

Most Memorable Moment
It’s a toss up between seeing Porno-Boys wife shake her ass for him, which was nice, and seeing Ted’s wife and new born baby... which was uber scary. Sorry, I’m a baby lover... but that was one ugly little baby.

"Are you lonesome tonight...." Helen breaks out a circa 1950’s lounge singer voice and does a decent rendition of the song while the gang gets suckie about missing their loved ones... And, btw, we got to see most of those loved ones in the video moments... and I really don’t know what all the fuss is about... lol!
The gang gets their new buffs... you know, little spandex-ish head bands... and, of course, Miss Money Penny who started the game as Mini-Me with her bony little frame able to pull it on over her torso like a tank top. Ma Kettle gets the gang into doing decorated hand prints on the new gold Tribal Banner... meanwhile Helen continues to go on and on about recipes... Ted can’t stand it and really looked like he was gonna lose it, but - too bad, btw - he opts to take the boat out for a private cruise.
Of course as soon as someone is away the kids begin to plot and play. Bilbo is none-too-pleased with Ted-the-Rock-Troll and lets Jake know this. Jake then goes on a kick of thinking he can manage the upcoming vote and tries to get the gang in line for either voting off Ted or tossing Porno-Boy. He even starts believing that he’s making progress.

Reward Challenge
This starts with the little snippets from the home video tapes sent from "loved ones". A little treat for everyone. Then the game is struck for who will get to see their whole video.
The gang gets their new buffs from Jeff and then play their first "individual" game. Which, for some strange reason turns out to be a team game. They pair off in seemingly dumb but theoretically random teams and face this deal with moving a ball through an obstacle course. I mean, Jake and Jan are a team. Their combined age is like in the thousands somewhere and it’s a physical challenge. Ultimately it comes down to Brian and Helen. Helen, who was going totally mental in the video snippet should have won, but idiot Porno-Boy goes and wins, therefore sealing his fate as a jury member... in all likelihood.

Immunity Challenge
Time to separate the brains from the brawn. Everybody gets 30 seconds to look at a list of the numbers 1 through 10 and the Thai alphabet equivs. Then Dom Jeff ask’s ‘em questions to eliminate the poor guessers. Bilbo (Clay) knows a few of them and gets lucky... Ken just gets lucky.
With the herd culled, it comes down to a KenDoll versus Bilbo race. They have to decipher these MUD like "go south 2, west 3" like instructions that involve the Thai numbers again. Bilbo dives in and never looks back. Ken, a totally dolt - for those of you that haven’t noticed yet - totally blows this and loses. Bilbo gets the new Immunity Necklace ... this golden starburst thing... and is more than a little happy about it.

Evil Do'er
Jake... it all comes back to you yo. The man that started this game thinking with his little head and picking the pretty and the young lurches around camp thinking he’s laying down a big plot to fry Ted, then switches to Brian... and even gets cocky for the camera about it. He’s being used and led on by the power of numbers. The ex Sookies are only three (Ken, Jake, and Penny) while the Chewies are still five.

Eye Candy
er... mmk... Porno-Boy’s wife... which is so defiantly not a stretch here... considering that we have Helen, Penny and Jan to work with. Ravaged by misfortune (Helen), ravaged by the pursuit of unrealistic stereotypes (Penny) and ravaged by time (Jan) they really present nothing worthy of the "eye candy" handle. I’m betting CBS cannot get through Next Weeks episode without showing Brian’s Wife’s ass at least twice.
And don’t even talk to me about the men... Ken’s gone, Ted’s just gross, Clay is a freak’en Hobit.

Well it’s obviously the Chewie Gang versus the upstart Sookies. Nobody likes Penny but if she seems to not be a threat then they’ll let her stay as fodder for next time... Jake’s next... then Ted... I’m still seeing Brian and Penny in the final... depending on how the Immunity plays out.

The Out House
Well Jeff asks ‘em each a bit about life in camp and everybody has a chance to wax on about stuff... and then Penny throws out a "I’m just happy to be having so much fun with such nice people." Oops, careful there Penny... you got a little left on your lips there... (*cough blowjob cough*)
They vote and when the numbers come back as three votes for Ted and the rest for the KenDoll... we get this priceless moment of watching Jake just scratching his head and realizing that he has been totally had and that the Sook’s are a dying tribe.

Two things...
~ Friends was a total laugh tonight... I know this is unrelated but Phoebe was just priceless.
~ They really oughtta snare that monkey and cook it... just to piss off some animal rights groups. :D

edit: ps... do you read this?

  • Monday, February 17, 2014

    Hiya. :) Today was one of those “oh look… LJ is still there” days. Oh how I miss the old days when LJ was pretty much a playground filled with my…

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  • Monday, February 17, 2014

    Hiya. :) Today was one of those “oh look… LJ is still there” days. Oh how I miss the old days when LJ was pretty much a playground filled with my…

  • 49 soon...

    I do not look my age ~ except for the bald spot I do not feel my age ~ except for the time it takes to heal I do not act my age ~ unless its…

  • (no subject)