Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Survivor 5 Update!!!

Survivor V : Update

The Blow Job Episode

Wherein we are reminded, yet again, that the assembled cast completely lacks admirable qualities. We get hard core sexism, really pathetic gross-out with bodily functions, weenie efforts at manipulation (or is that womanipulation?) and total insanity from the old bird. Yessiree, they’re quite the representatives of North American civilization - NOT!

Special Note:
Go back and re-watch your tape of the tribal council segment... and take a good look at Erin’s’ neck... DO YOU SEE THAT? Yo! That is well and truly an adams apple. No question... so am I being naive? Do some women have adams apples? I participated in the CBS On-Line Chat with Erin yesterday and for some reason I could not get her to answer my question about why she has an adams apple (snicker). Oh, and btw, she/he looked remarkably bad on the "early show" interview... she looked better at her worst on the show.

Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
In a strange kinda war-of-the-roses thing the two tribes live together under one roof, separate but not really apart. Bilbo nails little miss manipulation (no, not like that!) and Porno-boy can’t remember Shi Ann’s name. They forget that they are competing for $$ and they have zero sense of what a toilet is... Porno-boy outs with a really sexist thing ... sure to make him plenty of friends on the outside (ar ar ar) and Katie Clipboard is falling off her nut with never-ending freaking recipes. Immunity is all about wrapping your lips around the tube and blowing... funny how Porno-boy had so little trouble with this one! And the Sookies end up at council. This one is for the jury and what do the Sookies do? Why they stab the boobs in the back (funny, they didn’t suddenly deflate) and the girl with the "sleep with you" offer manages to stay in the game.

The Darwin Moment!
Ok... what the fuck are you sharing the food for? How hard does Dom Jeff have to smack you upside-yo-head before you remember that this is a competition for ca$h!! Total Darwin.

I’ll tip my hat to the runner-up Darwin moment in that these idiots left their food out AGAIN for the monkey to have another go. Once again I ask you... how hard do they need to be beaten before these pin-heads get a clue?

Best Quotes
"It’s like they’ve resorted to the good ol’days when the men just ate and the girls did all the cooking and cleaning." Yea, he (Porno-boy) said that out loud... fortunately the girls were actually not within earshot at the time... else I suspect he’d be late for dinner... as in "the LATE porno-boy".

"She thinks her looks and her little talent* can get whatever she wants from men. Well, I’m 46 and she aint getting Jack-Shit from me!" This from Bilbo, on the way little miss money penny is jones’ing around being sweetness and light to everybody. * exactly what do you think he mean by "little talent"? And yo, Bilbo... everybody wants their furry little toes scratched sooner or later...

"a cup of sugar, and a cup of cocoa... real cocoa, and another cup of sugar" er, this would be Helen about three hundred times a day.

"I see the chicken as a pet. If it were up to me, I’d set lucky free." Yeah, right Ted... this from the guy that set the boat free a little while ago. A pet? A PET? YOU’RE EATING NOTHING and looking down on prepping a chicken for a meal... how’d you lay on all that fat you big freaking idiot? Eating nuts and berries? I can practically see the golden arches burned into the back of eyeballs you hypocrite.

"I’ll put you right here beside Oscar." Oh dear god in heaven (or Othello), please send a tempest and sweep this thing out to sea! Ma Kettle is really just a total wing-nut. She’s all burying the head and feet of the chicken they kill for dinner... and crying and carrying on... Do you think there’s a straight jacket that clips onto two gallon depends?

Most Memorable Moment
The clans of the cave-monkeys are all together facing the last moments before the Sookies head off to do a little back stabbing and the camera gives us an interesting angle on Clay (Bilbo) as he takes an extended look at Erin’s sweet thigh-to-ass-cheek curves... and then, thankfully, lingers for a few moments on said butt cheek. He’s going to miss her... er, him? Hey, she may have been a guy but she’s the only piece of ass on the island right now and I’m not complaining about an ass cheek moment. :D

Runner up? Mini-Me, Miss Money Penny... talking with the remaining Sookies about the impending dismissal of one of their members... and out’s with "why don’t we all sleep together tonight?". (Jake comes back with "That almost sounds erotic!") I’m translating that into "don’t vote my ass off and you can squeeze it all night..."

Chewing Gum
Well the attitude is all about how the Chewies are relaxed and the Sookies are tense. I kinda see it as the Chewies are mentally deficient and incapable of cohesive thought and the Sookies (what’s left of them) are playing the game.
Ma Kettle... the lurching bag of methane, is about as close to a complete mental breakdown as you can get.
Theodore-ic keeps making me thing of a tusk-less walrus! The shot of him lumbering past Ken and Jake dressed in his rancid, dirty clothes to take a wiz against the wall adjacent the front of the cave is pathetic.
Helen is holding it together by embracing the insanity... if spouting recipes non-stop works... fill yer boots.
And Clay! Lil’Bilbo is just about down to earth enough to get confused about when it’s the right time to refer to his dad as an uncle or a brother - we’re talking gene puddle here... nothing close to an actual "pool" in his world.
Then there’s Brian. Porno-boy is a sexist example of male skank... and you all know it. He’s the kinda guy that might have otherwise ended up living in O.J. Simpsons guest house...ya know? Remember all the time he spent talking with Shi-Ann last week? He couldn’t even remember her name tonight. "is sui-yee gone? Sin-jun?" he asks the Sookies when they return from Council. I think the view of him post puke-his-guts-out resting it off against a log talking to Ted seem like they typify his day to day life.

Tick Tick Tick... that’s four times to council in a row. Just goes to show ya that looks and brawn can’t really compete with in-breading, sloth and insanity. Boobie girl has a freak’en adams apple... no question (I’ve looked and re-looked and freeze framed this... Unless she got a lego permanently lodged there as a kid, that is an adams apple. Is, ultimately a little too vacant to catch the tides of the game but she was a good team mate for the Sookies. (note the "was"... as a really adorable bowl of sugar recently said to me, "they sacrificed the boobs in favour of the bitch").
Ken is playing the game... and remains something of an enigma... He’s like a loaded gun in the hands of someone without a target, just kinda waving around in the air full of potential and ultimately, just a tool.
Penny... what a freakish evil little grin you have there. I know you. I’ve met you. I abhorred you, while checking out your ass, in high school... Everybody had a Penny in their high school. Whether you liked her not is more about you than her. She’s talking to Ma Kettle and (pay attention!) licks her finger to use her spit to wipe a dirty spot of Jan’s face! Yuck! (getting Jan’s face all over your spit like that... lol). She’s asking Ted if she can come work out with him when he does some yoga. (Ted rolls his eyes big when she leaves but not before thinking about her legs folded behind her head for a moment or two.) Everything for her is manipulation. And I think she’s gonna be the money girl. (yeah, that was my "beginning of the jury phase" prediction.)
Jake... "I’m prol’y the strongest player on the tribe with the water stuff..." yeah, hence your great loss today that landed you here. Face it... this guy is shallow. There was a glint in his eye when Money Penny offered to sleep with the boys.

Reward Challenge
Well... there was none... no reward... no challenge... poop.

Immunity Challenge
This was a good one... A big blow job game. Nice mind game that Jeff gets to play. He sends them a sealed teardrop shaped bottle of water with a mini-immunity-idol enclosed, and talks about stress as a game component. The game turns out to be all about going down on a pipe... er, going underwater and breathing through a bamboo snorkel. That’s it... add up the total time your team spends down on the pipe and the highest number wins. Penny - who, personally, I would have thought should have been a contender... I mean, it’s just blowing a pipe - is up in 9 seconds. The rest follow suit ranging up to 25 seconds leaving Jake and Brian underwater the longest... But Jake bails and Porno-boy, looking like he could go all day, has to be brought up.

Evil Do'er
Ken had to really be working it, in order to have Penny and Jake vote to fry Erin. Erin comments in post show interviews about how totally surprised she was to be voted off. She had thought Jake and Penny were living up their three-texas-amigo’s deal and was caught off guard at the council meeting. The gang is pretty vacuous in general so actual Dr. Evil style evil is hard to come by... so I’m sticking with Ken as the evil overlord and letting that play for a while in my head. :D

Eye Candy
What? What? You voted Erin and her boobs off the show? Was their no "buoyancy" related reward challenge you could have played or something to make the gang think they needed her? Hahaha... no really, Penny and Ken cut the only actual human figures on the show now so I guess they will have to do, unless your into ... no never mind, I could go on and on there.

Ken and Jake are working well together and Jake is working Brian to get inside his head. Brian, meanwhile seems to be sticking with Ted. The girls constantly stick together... so this is shaping up as a "girls against the boys" thing. Although, I’m thinking Jan has some kind of alliance with Steven King to re-promote the Pet Cemetery novel.

The Out House
The lighting at the Out House really draws you to the players teeth... (and adams apples, btw). Dom Jeff asks ‘em all "why not toss you?", and then they vote. You can see the issues flowing back and forth between Penny and Erin. Note: These girls - like so many others in reality tv show land - have unbelievable teeth. It’s just amazing.

Two things...
~ next week is old home week... some sort of reward deal with a glimpse of home. Oh joy... anybody remember the Bitch Suzan on the first survivor? When they showed us "Frank", her beau? Beached like a whale on the Lazyboy at home?
~ the Harry Potter commercial was the most exciting part of the show.

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