Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Survivor 5 Update!!!

Survivor V : Update

Track 9, The Headfuck Express

Wherein the results of Dom Jeff winning a big poker game with the producers are played out for us to enjoy. He (Jeff) gets to have his way with the castaways, and seeing as "his way" is the way of the Sado-Manipulator, we are well entertained.

The Post Jar Jar world of Survivor Thailand is fraught with attempted gamesmanship, misdirection, manipulation and a wee little Crouching Tiger caught in a Tiger Trap of outstanding proportions.

Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
It's body painting day (day 19) and other than Ted doing a righteous job with the big gold head thing the gang misses a golden opportunity for Eye Candy galore - or is that just my particular bent towards body painting coming out? The tribes get together for the Reward Zone to find themselves paired off comparing notes on tribal life (or in Sookies case, inter-species warfare).

Then Jeffi-boy loads 'em full of the idea of a merge and they get together for a big-Up-party in the camp... Camp Chewie Jai. Much plotting, drinking, falling down, and puking ensues... It all unravels and the head game is revealed (no actual merge occurred) and Shi-Ann’s uber diss of her tribe comes back to haunt her with a resounding call for her ouster. The little gizzard eater is head’en for the didn’t-make-the-jury snack bar! :D

The Darwin Moment!
Well d’uh... it’s gotta be the giant goof that Shi Ann made by embracing the other tribe mates in the almost-merge zone as wholeheartedly as she did...
Or is the big Darwin moment the idea that all of the losers stopped paying attention to the notion that Jeff is paid to fuck with them constantly?

Best Quotes
"wassschte oud fer NYC... (hic) watch’em ...(blaaaaffffff)" That would be a wicked drunk Brian-porno boy talking to Theodore Night Stick about how untrustworthy Cop Ken is... and then barfing his ever-loven-guts-out. :D

"I want to see if I want her to be part of my kingdom." Er... porno boy, less drunk, but obviously high on his own talents in the game... careful there body-wax boy, being cocky only works in porno movies... gets ya tossed out of Thailand here.

"Penny is the most manipulative" Shi Ann at the very beginning of her string of weak moments brought about by the notion that there had been a merge.

"blubber blubber... snort... backpeddle... sniffle... blow job blow job blow job" Shi Ann trying to get oughtta her big bucket of shit at the Council of Dump.

Most Memorable Moment
Well... see, I think Jan is a waste of air... so watching her stagger and drop her 300 year old Depends-encased ass onto a rock in her drunken stupor was pretty priceless. The not-really-merged-merge-party included copious wine and Jan put a little of that back... just ‘nuf to push her that last 5 inches into "wino-bag-lady" status... She gets up from around the late night camp-fire and tries to walk... we get good footage of her slamm’en mother earth.

Chewing Gum
These dorks still haven’t found their boat... so they’re still swimming the Thailand marathon to get water but they have a pet monkey in the trees... so life can’t be too bad... can it?

Nothing like a common enema... er... enemy to focus a bunch of dysfunctional blobs of wet toilet paper into a gang on a mission. Crouching Tiger gave this to them... a little focus.

Oh, Erin... boobie girl... there’s a bunch of talk about her actually having been a boy at one time... no really... I followed some threads on that somewhere... not sure if they’ve worked it out yet... :D (ps. Who actually cares... we’re talking TV eye candy... who cares if it could write it’s name in the snow 5 years ago?)

Reward Challenge
Ok.. this is what the episode was all about. The gang got tree mail with paints... and instructions to pick one colour and paint yer’self. They get into it going all native... Ted should have won a prize for painting his head gold.. he looked pretty cool. The rest of them... both teams... totally failed to capitalize on this chance to get into it with some hard-core painting jobs... I was kinda hoping for some Demi Moore paint jobs but alas... they stuck to pin stripes, lightening bolts and war paints. Way way boring stuff.

However, when the two tribes got together with His Evilness Jeff for the Reward Challenge, he points out that both teams received the same colours of paints and that the people that selected like colours should pair off and spend the afternoon together. A chance to share and plot. Each pair got a bucket... two of the buckets instructed the lucky pairs to go to either Camp Chewing Gum or Sookie Land. So Crouching Tiger and Bilbo headed back to Chewing Gum while Katie Clipboard (Helen) and Cop Ken wandered off to Sookies camp.

Shi Ann wasted no time what-so-ever in caving in and telling Bilbo every game secret she could. Meanwhile, Ken and Helen basically diss’ed each other in a fit of paranoia.

They all reassemble with Dom Jeff and he tells the two traveling pairs to compare notes and PICK WHICH CAMP THE WHOLE GROUP WILL NOW GO AND SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER AT. He didn’t, mind you, hand out new buffs or ask the gang to pick a new name. He tells them will have all their personal belongings from Sook Jai brought to Chewing Gum and that the gang will get a new larger boat. They pick Chewing Gum as a destination ... due to the quality of the shelter there and promptly decide to call themselves Chewie Jai. They are totally sure they have been merged.

What they don’t realize is that the whole deal is just Jeff asking them all to turn around, pull down their pants and bend over.

At Camp Chewing Gum there is a feast of fruit, cheese, crackers and wine (plenty of wine) waiting. They, as expected, party. Over the course of two days they all re-polarize into groups of alliances... watching Shi Ann go overboard loving the Chewing Gum campers. Boobie Girl gets pretty comfortable too... although Penny is totally game-on and so much so that she becomes an instant target. The wine flows enough to get Ma Kettle all tanked up, and Porno-boy gets hard core hammered... tries to play his guitar and just sucks ass. He ends up puking his guts out while Ted helps him walk it off... And hopefully the camera crews kept Ted from taking advantage of Brian ... I mean, he could have been grinding up against him, couldn’t he... Brian gives us some lovely footage of himself talking to Huey big time... reminding me of the first week with lil’tonya making her national television debut blowing bile over and over and over...

Jan remains in la la land thinking everything is just wonderful and a big family picnic.

Immunity Challenge
The kids go along with their happy merge zone right up until tree mail tells ‘em it’s time for the Immunity Challenge. Of course, they’re all working on the assumption that this will be an "Individual Immunity" challenge... and they have slated Penny for eviction at council, so long as she doesn’t get immunity.

Well, no sooner have they arrived at the designated challenge location then Dom Jeff pulls the sheets up and ruffles his latest fart all over them.

He has no immunity necklace... He points out that there has been no merge and gets right down to business about the next game. Ahahhahaa... everyone is just in freaken shock. It was wonderful to behold their collective deflating... like so many bicycle tires on a bed of broken glass.

The Immunity game is a team thing with each team locked in a bamboo cage littered with "stuff". The goal is to use said stuff to figure a way of getting a series of keys from posts staked out of reach in front of the cages. The bunch of them are in leg and wrist irons so they need a lot of keys!

It’s another race that plays out neck and neck... all the while the implications of the non-merge is setting in and we begin to realize that Shi Ann is playing for her freaking life!!! However, she sucks... so Chewing Gum manages to get all their keys first and dig their way out of the jail to win Immunity (again). We did manage to get a vid moment of mini-me (Penny) clearly mouthing the work "Fuck" but I got the feeling the Sookies were looking forward to frying up a few giblets of their own...

Evil Do'er
Well Jeff, of course... he was practically cream’en himself when the gang got together to go for the immunity challenge and he got to say "um... I never said anything about a merge."

Eye Candy
Ok... boobie girl may have been a boy, but I’m still wishing she got the gold paint and did the head to toe deal.
And Porno boy? Well, if you can get the image of him launching lunch out of yer mind... maybe he’s candy... dunno...

The Chewbaka Alliance is alive and well, as Night Stick (Ted) and Porno-Boy (Brian) continue to walk together holding one another’s dick for support. No concept of who’s feeling like they have an ally on Chewing Gum.

The Sookies are easy. Everybody against Shi Ann. Actually, there does seem to be a close deal between mini-me and boobie girl, leaving Jake and Ken to form a testosterone versus estrogen game in Sookie Land.

The Out House
Jeff calls it all out at the council table as wind, rain and night descends on their universe. There’s a bunch of sweet talk for a bit but then Shi Ann grabs the mic and starts ragg’en on the gang. She’s calling each of them out by name, calling Penny a master manipulator and (my paraphrase) calls Ken a dumb-ass. She’s trying desperately to get the focus on Penny... but she doesn’t even come close. She should have been focusing on the pending merger and how the other guys already don’t like Penny... but she didn’t and she was tossed by a unanimous vote.

Two things...
~ when the kids left camp Chewie Jai to go to Immunity... we got to see the supposed pet monkey come into camp and go on a food raid. Now I’m wondering if there will be any monkey stew in their future?
~ Jeff really enjoyed this tonight... no question. :D

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