Mostly harmless (corto) wrote,
Mostly harmless

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Survivor 5 Update!!!

Survivor V : Update

Death to Smoochie

Wherein we are treated to (*cough*) men squashing beef together, paltry executions (or is that poultry), a near drowning, a game of pickup-sticks, and wanky little skater boy doing a tear jag. Oh, and a reward to anyone that can prove a relationship between Ma Kettle and the international Right to Life terrorist organizations.

Epi Quick Hit : The Show in 100 words or less... or more.. or whatever!
Chewing gum is all about being tired as they search the high seas for their wayward launch. The gang gets impressive in the games, but lose, and Ma Kettle has another "moment". Immunity is cerebral so they get to keep the pagan idol. Jan's lucky day - again.
Sookie boys go at it with the big word parade, all puff'en and flex’en, and Jar Jar slithers away dejected... only to get greedy with the banana's. They win big in an athletic competition and feast, complete with annoying little people acting like airport Moonies dancing around. Ken-the-cop and Jar Jar make up, and Skaterboy comes out with a very unfortunate embellishment of their talk. He even leads them all in one of those embarrassing, drunken, "i love you guys" deals that leaves 'em stuck to their seats. Yet their new bond means squat as they lose immunity and fry that knucklehead - bu-bye Jar Jar.

The Darwin Moment!
Yo! white guy? Don't mess with the food! I'm not sure where pellet-brain left his pellet but it was not present when he basically told the tribe to shove it and dove into the food supply (bananas). This was a "please vote me off" moment if there ever was one. See Rob was all big on himself after having it out with Ken. (they argued, loud.) So, in his testosterone driven idiocy, he goes against a tribal agreement and starts eating unripe bananas. Any questioning of his decision is met with a stern "fuck you" from the urban skater kid lost in the jungle. Total Darwin... and totally writing on the wall for Jar Jar.

Best Quotes
Jar Jar: "I'm not playing any games out here bro!" Said to Ken in their argument... now, I dunno about you but I'm pretty sure the whole point of being stuck without food or shelter in a tropical hell was to play a game. (Bonk Bonk, hello? anyone in there?)

Ken: same argument with Rob, and best summation of Jar Jar yet.. "you were annoying the shit out of everybody!".

Ted: the village idiot, sitting on the grass, looking out to sea... "Boat... booooat... please just show up." Somebody please bitch slap this guy.

Ted again: "I'm gonna play dumb..." Boy that's really pushing yourself.

Jar Jar: After making up with Ken ... the cop logic in Ken is working to his advantage here... Jar Jar comments for the sound-bite, "Ken and I really squashed the beef." mmmk, not sure, but that sounds a whole lot like the subject line a hard-core gay porn spam mail. You boys wanna squash yer beef, that's fine by me, but keep it to yourself awright?

Most Memorable Moment
Brian, porno-boy, is quickly becoming my fav character on Chewing Gum... Now Jan, the re-animated life form pulled from some ten thousand year old block of ice, is getting a little wingy with the isolation, dehydration and malnutrition. Her eminent death aside for a moment, she comes across a bat fetus at the side of the path... (what was she doing when she found this?) and next thing you know I'm picturing her with a protest sign calling Wade and Roe road whores harassing young girls outside abortion clinics. She wants to hold a funeral for the bat bits... She names said bat bits "oscar" (sheesh).
Now that's all freaky and stuff, but the memorable moment came from Porno boy who's only comment in the video moments of various reactions to Jan’s weirdness is to say "My first thought was 'Can we eat it?'"

Chewing Gum
So these idiots lost there boat last week right? The look out across the sea and observe an island. "maybe it's over there..." (the editors show us that it was there last week) Well don't they just throw caution to the wind and decide to swim over for a better look. Classic Bilbo when Clay comments that at about half way across he started questioning the intelligence of this move... You know the joke about the guy swimming half way across and deciding he can't make it so he swims back... Any ways, they get there and don't find it. I was sure Ted was going to drown, and wondered briefly if he started to sink how it would affect the game... but, alas, he did not drown.

Jan does her thing with the bat while the rest of them are busy picking icky crustaceans off rocks and probably seals her fate as "next" by making everyone think she's a loon.

All the action is over here... Crouching Tiger almost gets her head bit off by the jungle-rage of Jar Jar when she tries to have an opinion about the banana thing and a wise little mini-me (Penny) reminds her to shut up and let the boys go at it... Shi Ann even got a "Then fucking shut up" from Rob when she made a reasonable point. (whack whack whack.. the sound of nails being driven into a coffin).

Idiot boy (Rob) went toe to toe with Ken over the issue of stuff Ken had told Rob about votes. The only salient part of the talk is noting that Rob is "told" who to vote for. He's all bristling with "I don't like the back stabbing bull shit ..." and seals his fate as a NPC* for this game.

After losing immunity they - for some weird reason, I mean, someone leaves tonight and gets to eat at a cafeteria... - decide to feast on chicken and wine. We get a video moment as Jake kills another smoochie chicken... Erin (boobie girl) holds the chicken and Jake wrings it's neck. crackle-crunch... feast.

They (surprise to me) managed to have saved up a few bottles of wine from some earlier reward challenge and they get into it here... (who had the bottle opener?). Once he's all liquored up, ol'Jar Jar gets into the slurring "i love you's" with the gang and goes into a whole "I'm already a winner" jag about the wonderful experience blah blah blah... the chicks buy into as Erin gets all wet every time the focus shifts to Rob and even Shi Ann (miserable ass kissa) pulls a "for all our problems, you're a sweet guy" thing. So either they all have decided to vote his ass off and this is guilt talking or they are ever more pathetic. I'm voting for both... pathetic and guilt ridden.

Reward Challenge
Big, giant sling shot deal with baskets on a pole to catch the action from the sling shot. Two teams, and you can interfere with the other teams effort to "basket" a shot. Get the picture? The athleticism of the Sookies should -and does - win the game, but the Chew Toys manage to get from a 4-1 to a 4-4 before losing 5-4 by putting Ted the Whale in Jar Jars face ... really pissing off Rob (best part of the game actually).
The prize was a trip down the beach to this fruit and Thai food buffet (and I was noticing the little "wedge pillows made of smaller rolls"... my brother has one of those... ) and a Thai cultural thing. Some short guys come out and play these wooden instruments and some chicks with freak'en temples on their heads, dressed head to toe in a big sheet come out and do some Moonie dancing. You know, little cymbals on their fingers, etc. I mean, come on... there must be some cultural excuse for doing this thing naked... then it would have been fun to watch.
The significance of this feast contrasting the earlier argument about eating a banana is not lost to the gang but when Rob brings it up he seems to thing everybody else should feel silly... meanwhile they are tallying up the votes.

Immunity Challenge
Hmm... neat game. Put twenty-one sticks (in this case with flags on them) in a circle and two teams remove either 1, 2 or 3 sticks per tern. The winner is the team that gets to remove the final stick. It's called Thai 21. It required some thought... which totally excluded the Sookies and, surprise, surprise, Camp Chewing Gum wins. Their prize? They get to put up with Jan some more and Ted gets to wander around in a daze some more. (They really need to win a food related challenge... all that work the Thai Special Forces dudes did and they still are not making much of the local food sources... plants and stuff.)

Evil Do'er
Gotta say Jeff is fitting the profile tonight. Not only does he relish the moment of Sookies immunity loss with a crack about seeing them tomorrow night when you "lose someone" to laying the guilt trip on the Sooks at council. No way he's not enjoying his job lately.

Eye Candy
You'd think... with this kinda show, they'd be putting just a little more effort into cutting us some slack and showing us more flesh. But noooooo! Actually, after 16 days, they are prol'y all starting to look like there should be 1-800 numbers scrolling past whenever we see their bodies... "for just pennies a day, you can adopt a hungry white person. We'll keep 'em alive for a long time so you can watch 'em suffer."
Oh, boobie girl used "tumultuous" in a sentence... somebody lost a bet somewhere.

They are all such dim-wits that there has really not been much Alliance building going on. The only vid moments we get are of porno-boy and Whale Boy Ted reassuring one another that they have each others back. My gut says this alliance means nothing to Brian so we'll see.
It seems that Ken, Jake and Penny are ruling the roost over at Sookieville and if that's the case, only a merger can save Shi Ann.

The Out House
It's a resounding vote to fry Jar Jar tonight. They all talk about their spiritual awakening at the hands of the SkaterYutz and then toss his whiney ass over the edge. Dom Jeff points this out in a nicely laid guilt trip for the Sookies to walk back to camp thinking about.

Two things...
~ Ken gets in another argument next week. This time with Shi Ann sooo.... there was talk of the merger... and it's going to have to come soon... That's all that can save Shi Anne, unless there are enough brawn v. brain immunity challenges.
~ Robs speech was typically sappy and I'm sorry, but I'm not buying anything resembling a brain on that guy so he can be sappy all he wants. He's gonna end up a girl friend to a lifer named Bubba one day. Best to forget all about Rob now.

* NPC: non-player-character. Standard role playing game lexicon.

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